Red Sea Rider


“Did you really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
― Tiffanie DeBartolo, How to Kill a Rock Star


Our society is filled with Taboo, topics people don’t wish to talk of or about – our society is broken and the only way we can start to fix it, is to really start to listen to its people. We do need to work together to end the stigmas.


Red Sea Rider

Loose mind, dangerous property,
Unhinged beyond control and deadly,
Carefree thinking now gone away,
Decisions made that today is the day,
Thoughts of long determination,
Finally born into creation!

Glinting edges blinking in greed,
Desires anticipating urgent need,
Whitened shorelines clean,
Begging for drawing screen,
Looking out upon dying horizon,
Sunset’s truth now emblazoned,

Within deeply darkening mind,
Hot tears welling at approaching time,
Damaging stroking complete upon left,
Angle correct in the ultimate theft,
Intake of sharpened bitter filled air,
Too late now to consider if fair,

Right now complete in twin,
Sadness and despair in pained sin,
Birth of final breath closing,
Contemplating of slice imposing,
Fear now gone into oblivion,
Upturned face now in position!

Dismal affair of solitude’s,
Bravery of life taken now intrudes,
Once a token of life beautiful,
Now a withered husk dull,
Viewed by night time slider,
Moon frowns upon another Red Sea rider!

© Rory Matier 2018



18 thoughts on “Red Sea Rider

      1. Hey Gary – many thanks my friend 🙂

        As you and l both know, it doesn’t have any right to be a controversial taboo subject steeped in stigma, that’s basically just society shaming the actuality of it, fear and ignorance – it makes me really bloody angry with people even those in so called professional circles who say ‘we shouldn’t discuss the S word in case it upsets people?

        Well l think bollocks to that it’s an upsetting emotion to be in .

  1. A thought provoking poem. These topics need to be discussed along with their implications of those left behind. A great effort.

    1. Hey Sadje, do you sleep? It must be very early morning for you currently 🙂

      On topic, exactly, people never like discussing this as it is too taboo and too much stigma attached, which is stupid in today’s climate we should be discussing everything conerning this topic inside and out.

      1. You’re right. And I have seen a few posts here on this subject. And I do have erratic sleep patterns!

  2. Rory, it is because it is such a taboo subject that there is hesitancy in bringing it up. Not only that, if you do bring it up, next thing you know the paramedics are knocking on your door to do a well-person check. It’s inherently complicated and almost a paradox, as a person with ideation may be feeling so very alone but they fear reaching out, but at the same time if they did they would see that there are those who truly do care for them and so the ideation may subside. Also, from the concerned person’s perspective, if someone is talking ideation they are afraid to do nothing and then the person takes action, but if they do act the person’s confidence could be betrayed. I really think that EDUCATION is the key. Everyone needs to have a list of questions to ask the person to see if they are “only” feeling this way, how often they feel it, if they have a plan, etc. At the same time, if ANYONE is feeling this way PLEASE reach out. You don’t have to be in that place alone. PLEASE!

    1. I was in this place for a very long time, and as an ex-self harmer of a pretty serious nature [l was a cutter], l was considered high risk for a long time.

      However, it is ONLY recently that more care and attention is given to people feeling like this. When l was going through, the only true thing that got me through were my two dogs.

      My Family shuffled me under the carpet and pushed me into darkened rooms so often l was begiining to feel like a mushroom.

      It needs to be discussed more. I am fully aware of how ‘social media’ jump on board these things these days, to the extreme that they can push those suffering further away from actually openly discussing it as a subject.

      I have even been hushed up in the past for even deigning to mention it. But society needs to grow up and come to realise that mental health is inside everyone, and we all have it. Mental health should not be stigmatised to the degree that we cannot discuss it and more importantly that society should feel that mental health only means poor mental health.

      1. Rory I’m sorry you were in that place and that your family was incapable/inadequate to a helpful response for you and may have made it worse by it. Yes it *does* need to be discussed, openly! I can’t tell you the number of my juvenile probationers who were suffering from ideation, self-harmful acts, attempts. The usual parental response was to take them to emergency room which either put them in short term residential (5 days or so) and they would leave with a prescription and a referral to outpatient counseling. We need not only to talk about it, but we need to have widescale support groups OUTSIDE of mental health agencies for individuals who may have ideation but not at the point of planning. It could head so many off at the pass….

        1. I am pretty open in my blog Li. Somewhere in the depths l have some very open posts on this subject. I make no way to hide my experiences with regards this whole subject.

          I have 26 suicide attempts as in actual attempts. Not long back May 2017] and one of the original reasons l set up the original layout of this blog was to talk about all of this, l nearly walked off a 300 foot high cliff so terribly destitue was the state of my mind.

          I have come a very long way even since that episode, and even longer distance since my first ever attempt when l was 25. As a subject it is very dear to me, but only because l can so easily understand a person’s darkened alley way when in the depths of the deepest hole.

          It’s not just talking that needs to be discussed, it’s action. It’s education and not just in specific facilities, but everywhere, it needs to be seriously examined as a subject in schools from a young age and treated with the same respect as sexuality, gender identity, bullying, cyber bullying, stigma, taboo and the list of so called untouchable subjects that society prefers to ostracise itself from because of ignorance or arrogance or disbelief of just the age old stick your head in sand fear, and maybe it will go away.

        2. Yes it does. I think there is a connection between the school shooters as well. So many end up “suicide by cop”. It’s a bad choice for all concerned, especially the unfortunate victims, the police who have to mow the shooter down, and for a life that could have gone somewhere other than where it did. Rory, you mention it has been since May 2017 since you’ve attempted. May I ask what’s kept you out of that dark place?

        3. My last attempt was May 2017. I nearly did it. Beautiful sunny day and l was literally 6″ from the final jump. I looked at Scrappy and Suze and said to myself ‘Fuck , l really need help, l was literally six inches from no return!]

          It turned out the meds l was on for my depression were dealing a serious amount of psychosis to my brain in the side effects. I saw a different doctor and he presrcibed me something else, and l decided to not take them. I worked my way out of that mess through trial by fire.

          I started my blog in September 2017, and it was originally quite a dark blog, nothing like it is today, as l changed its stat in November that year. But l purged demons by myself, not with medical help in November, and l was at that point determined to not slide back.

          With the shoulder/neck injury l can feel depression creeping in due to the pain. So l just stop something, sit and think and create something livlier.

          I not once in 30 years found any decent help from the medical profession, counselling or even psychiatry.

          I was diagnosed with two forms of PTSD, 1] for a crash in 87 where people died and l carried the grief for 30 years [purged November 2017 and 2] because of my Father and growing up with him whom l am currently purging with the My Father in Reflection series.

  3. Hay Rory, as someone that’s been there more times than I can remember I hear you, things really need to change.


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