Almost everyone has an addiction to something sweet,
I am no different, except mine is not something that l eat!
Chocolate is something consumed when one is down!
Mine is more personal, and makes others frown!
But it awards me an immense inner satisfaction,
For when l am miserable, it gifts me gratification!
There are many styles of my candy, it has to be said,
Personally mine is motivated by the hungering in my head!
Some prefer the listlessness awarded by the booze,
Or the highs inspired by a drug-induced snooze!
Others get their kicks from smelling their flesh burn,
Hitting objects, scratching themselves without concern!
But for me, l like to feel my emotional tormenting spin,
Carving delightful slices is my ultimate sin,
Wearing upon my body the badges of achievement!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s personal to me, not your merriment!
Scarring my soul in such a way, is unforgivable,
But with this suffering my damage is still liveable,
Mentally, each slice of the cake consumed is a lesson,
To walk warily next time on the way to the delicatessen!
Dark horrors constant within my mind, never far away,
Lurking within shadows, preparing to strike any day!
Mood swings that can change at the flick of a switch,
Usually as a result of my life nose-diving in a ditch!
Contending with a continual attack of nightly terror,
Struggling daily with a life that has seen its’ fair share of error!
Maintaining a healthy and stable mind, is indeed an art!
Like a finely tuned restaurant menu of a la carte,
Mindlessly l acknowledge that life is not easy,
And conceding that despite my candy making others queasy!
l have travelled far to reach the end of the darkest tunnel,
At times squeezing through, like a rock through a funnel!
One can succeed if they choose to, and see the light,
But it’s not easy, and does come with a hell of a fight!
Life is for the time being well worth the effort,
And delightful slicing is currently no longer my mental escort!
© Rory Matier 2013
This dark poem highlighting the journey l had undertaken with self-harm was written in 2013. I am now 6 years free of that addictive habit – it becomes an addiction and it becomes a habit and to say l am free by six years may say to a non self harmer – okay so what?
Well my arms and legs are covered in the scars of a series of yesterday’s they trace a story, l will never forget them as they are now a part of me, of course l regret them, but they are part of the jigsaw that makes up for a large part of my life. They got me through the insanity, and for that combined with the fact that l am still alive and able to appreciate them, and respect them – they are the physical and visual reminder of where l had once been and how so very close to the bottom l had been.
To where l write today in July 2019, each scar is there to serve me as a reminder why it is good to be alive.
Today is six years exactly to the day l stopped hard core self harming for good.