We each have a darker side to our writing, our dark imagination can turn our pen and thoughts into some very twisted alleyways. Fear is an insidious beast when running amok in your mind. Between 2009 – 2012 l lived in constant fear where l lived, l was the victim to some extreme bullying: mentally, physically and emotionally. This can play havoc with your sense of balance.
The reason behind the treatment l received was because l was viewed as different – my Aspergers was seen as a threat – l know, hard to believe, but we really do have an awful lot of ignorance out there!
It was during this period that l wrote some very dark pieces. I find that if you want to write about something then you must have at least some premise of experience with what you write. Those who can write of depression, suicide, self-harm, drug taking or drinking can write extremely well about those experiences, because FEAR has overtaken your mind,.
Whilst this specific scenario never occurred directly to me physically the mental abuse delivered took the shape of some of these nasties in the form of suggestion, it took me a good 18 months to recover from my manipulative times when renting in hell which is what l used to describe 2009 – 2012 to those who ask of me.
This piece isn’t short and not for everyone’s tastes, l was caught up in a nasty depression, but equally exploring the writing at the time.
So matey, l guess you are wondering,
By now, why you are tied to the chair,
With me walking around thundering,
Cursing and screaming, well that’s fair,
Surely however, this you must know,
The reason you are here for me to see,
Is because of your slandering not long ago,
About little ol’ me,
Do you honestly not know who l am?
You arrogant little twit!
I am an important man,
And cannot abide your ugly shit,
Damaging my reputation and my esteem,
You are causing me some serious distress,
When you run about and scream,
To the neighbourhood and take the piss!
You simply cannot besmirch my upstanding,
Because you think l am wrong,
In your small feeble world of misunderstanding,
Crying out your woes to the throng!
For they are my people and this is my turf,
Who do you honestly think you are,
Assassinating my character with your ‘mirth’
Sad to say my friend, you have gone too far!
I am as said an important man,
Albeit at times, sadly misunderstood,
Yet have no time for cheap scams,
From wannabe boys of the hood,
So you see, l have you here to teach,
You a lesson, one that you will not easily forget,
Perhaps it is best to say l intend to preach,
My philosophy to you of bad debts!
It is true that all you have done is mouthed off,
But with just a few choice words,
You have upset me, the boss!
And in so doing, you have spurred,
Me into action, leaving me no other option,
But to take you firmly into hand,
Allowing me to use you in a wanton,
Way and exercising my game plan!
I can see by your eyes so wide with terror,
That you are a ‘tad’ curious what l have in mind,
Well l think it’s going to be trial and error,
Hence why your hands are tied behind,
So that they do not get in the way,
Of my selection of brutally edged toys,
And as such not spoiling my day,
Nor the amusement of the watching boys!
You see, l have said this already my friend,
That l have a reputation to uphold,
Don’t need some moron like you trying to offend,
My stakes with the crew and as such lose my control,
Which has taken me a good few years,
To build up, and earn the respect,
By those who now view me as one to fear,
And have learned not to neglect,
Requests that l may place upon them,
Every now and again and sometimes often,
Not ignoring pulses to their brain stems,
Which is dangerous as l can soften,
Hard headed fools who like you now have ignored,
My gentle persuasion techniques,
And found themselves in positions they cannot afford,
For quite a few days if not weeks!
Now, as l pace around your wetted chair,
I ask myself what shall l inflict,
Upon you as a lesson learned to ensure,
That you understand fully the conflict,
In which you have roused upon my weary mind,
Causing me to become so angry,
And as such wasting valuable time,
Which l hasten to add makes me additionally cranky!
There are choices l can of course take,
Whether to simply tease, hurt, maim or even brutalize,
Your mind, body and soul and as such your intake,
Of overall pain and surprise!
Hell perhaps l should basically just end you,
Then carve you up and feed you to my dogs,
Enjoyable meal for them this is true,
But perhaps your death might incite the cops!
So this just leaves the annoying question,
Of what to do with you right now,
And how l need to express my aggression,
To you for the sin you have shown,
Aimed at my professional capacity of being hard,
Not forgetting calling me what you did,
Which in all honestly jarred,
Me for a while and undid,
My calming composure normally held,
And placed me into this very spot,
Where upon all my anger had to be expelled,
Hence why you, you shifty little snot,
Are here bound and gagged,
Spilling your fear across my wooden floor,
Trust me, that alone is enough to have you capped,
Without offending me anymore!
However now let us see,
What delights l may have in store,
For your mounting terror, and awaiting frightened body,
That does not easily lead to a boring chore,
But is sufficient to appease my reddening mist,
And evens the score of your stupid offence,
Making sure you understand the gist,
Of my vengeful intent!
Shall l perhaps just break both knees,
Or scrape your skull with a finely tuned axe,
Am wondering if this alone would please,
Maybe even if l was to flay your back,
Possibly the removal of a few fingers,
And maybe a few horrendous burns to your legs,
Would make your lesson linger,
Longer in your mind and have you beg…
… For mercy and proffer an apology not yet present,
Which l suppose is acceptable,
Seeing as you can hardly speak considering your torment,
And your current position is unconventional,
But shall l simply hurt or maim you,
What you think about it all?
I mean you can see my position here, true?
You must fall!
Simple as, undeniably no truer fact,
Insulting someone like me, comes at a cost,
Either follow it up or use more tact,
Don’t make the comments and then try to become lost!
So now you must pay and with interest,
Otherwise every Tom, Dick and Harry,
Will begin to think they can resist,
My requests upon them for protection levy!
So we are back to my collection of weaponry,
Choose one, make my day my friend,
I have some here that are truly a guarantee,
Of absolute agonizing pain that you should befriend,
Maybe the axe, the baseball bat, the clippers,
Stun gun, hacksaw, claw hammer or even the sharpest scalpels,
All of which l have used before on nippers,
Like you who thought it funny to trample,
Over my goodwill and deserved reputation,
Like l was nothing but a belligerent slob,
Worthy of no respect, and with a simple infatuation,
Amounting to nothing more than a loud mouthed yob!
However l have indeed given this some deep thought,
And decided that judging by your absolute fear,
Your terror filled muffled cries and sobbing eyes,
That perhaps all l need do, is already done here,
And to proceed further would be unwise!
In order to teach you a valuable lesson,
To respect those who are more powerful than you,
Was learned here in our small session,
Already, l can see by your nodding head, this is true?
The secret is to not hurt you at all today,
But to have you constantly in a state of paranoia,
Thinking what may happen the very next day,
Constantly looking over your shoulder … and fearing the next corner!
© Rory Matier 2012
Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.