The Minus Mojo Days
You know those days?
Yeah, the days where your motivation is on a low ebb, and your enthusiasm is crash diving – now of course, l will get it back up, it is just one of those days. The day when nothing goes right, when everything slams on top on you and reminds you that you can’t always be in a happy happy place!
Now l am not depressed, my anxiety is as fine as it should be – but currently my mojo is – 3 never mind that l don’t seemingly have the energy to do anything, but one of the minus mojos is making its presence known more than normal.
Mojo – 1 is my shoulder for the first time in weeks is absolutely caning me, that real deep rooted pain as well – there is no mystery. With Suze away even though l am resting my arm, the things l am doing will cause strain, and they will catch up, and l am no longer disguising that pain with a serious doses of Tramadol. I have felt the pain itself since l started easing back on those damn tablets but decided to let it ride by the power of one thinking. Which principally does work – power of the brain and all that. But if l overdo it, the arm doesn’t have much choice – the work has to be done.
Mojo – 2 is Scrappy bless her stumbles a lot these days, due to her arthritis. We award her the right medication, well those her stubborness allows us to supplement her with. But it’s been hard since the vets that day, because you find yourself scrutinising everything.
You think is she buloo? Is that cope able for a dog, l mean there are plenty of ageing dogs that are slightly crazy humans too, but does that affect her health? Probably not.
She is eating and drinking and going to the toilet, so functioning. Then you watch her pooing knowing what you know and think is she pooing okay, does she look like she is in pain?
Then you look at her quality of life?
You ask then, does she have the quality of life she deserves? Then you ask yourself, what are we using as the defining goal for that? She loves being with us, around us, but is that a qualitable life for her. Should she be doing this and that and the other, and more of it
Then you remember she is an elderly dog and they slow down, so their quality of life alters to reflect that process. So then what is quality of life, what are her expectations on her life? To be loved, secured, maintained fed and watered and walked. We do that.
She sleeps more, she doesn’t seem to make any noise signalling her pain, and l have heard Scrappy in pain, so l don’t think she is in pain per se. She is very creaky with the arthritis but will not takespecific medication which makes it harder for her and us, and heart breaking too. She is currently asleep – does she sleep peacefully, is she in pain?
Then you look at her walking her head says ‘You can go further, and her body declines her that, but as long as she can walk then she is just as happy as well. She still has spirit and stubbornness, and that’s not of a dog who has given up. Then you find yourself thinking of the anal tumour, has that gotten bigger, are her poos the right size, the right frequency?
Then you look at her coat, it’s okay, but she will not let you brush her and especially her rear, is that stubbornness or pain or discomfort?
Then she tumbles and she walks strange and she is limpy and then you start asking yourself all those questions again.
But as the vets said “With Scrappy it’s one day at a time, and she’ll let you know when she is ready to go.”
Yes, l know my dog inside out, l have known all my dogs that way, because despite everything and all the people l know, my dogs have been my best friends, l am closer to my dogs more so than people.
Scrappy tumbled again today, and l am helpless and that saddens me terribly. But now she is sleeping under the desk, snoring and farting as usual and when she briefly wakes up, her eyes that check you are still there are bright. So it is always l believe going to be on Scrappy’s terms – it always has been – she has defied so many things in her life that could be read as such by some as miracles.
But it doesn’t stop you stressing as her friend.
Mojo – 3 is l am tired and slowly but surely l am curbing my sleeping pattern, l am trying to pull myself back to a regular routine but with the stress of life and at times non tableted pain in your shoulder it aint easy. It’s not that l can’t sleep, l sleep like a log, but l wake up just as tired. Take last night, oh okay 2.04am this morning, l was in bed, but 2.09 am l was asleep. I had the most horrific dream turn nightmare and woke up with my two alarm clocks this morning at 7.30am, but fell asleep again till 10am! That wasn’t supposed to happen!! 🙁
But l guess my body is saying, you need to take this time now. So it is a case of perseverance so this revovery l am always on about can occur. But l am just tired of feeling this tired despite so called sleep Ha ha! Right moanie Minnie me!
The bullshit of yesterday stressed me and the people who bought the car haven’t returned the damn paperwork yes, which just annoys me!
But it’s not the end of the world, l have to remind myself of the quote l used this morning in #364
Some days are like this. And the only way to get through them is to remember that they are only one day, and that every day ends.