Creepy Crawlies Becoming Crawly Creepies!
The Tales of The Frog, The Spider & The Snail!
But first – a quick slug!
Who remembers seeing this …..
Many of you know l have a seriously bad problem with slugs – in so far as if l see them, for some bizarre reason l feel like they are in my mouth and l start to retch and have been known to actually throw up! Should l stand on one barefoot, well that’s it, game over for me, l throw up there and then. I have this thing called touch taste transference which is even more bizarre! It basically means certain things l touch l can instantly taste in my mouth, but also sometimes just looking at things and l can taste them!
I have to be very careful squeezing limes and lemons!
I remember watching this film and seeing this particular scene and l threw up there and then, it was ALL just way too much! Also if l see children with snotty noses or people pretending to retch or bring phlegm up in their throats l have serious problems – an example is just writing that line and l just avoided running to the toilet!
This story is three small tales but isn’t specifically about slugs, thank goodness, because l might find myself in a position where l simply would not be able to actually write it. In the last couple of weeks l have had to handle a few slugs in the garden – most notably leopard slugs – l don’t really like any slugs but of all the slugs we have l suppose the nasty black ones l used to see in the Lincolnshire Fens turned my stomach into liquid jelly – the leopards or Limax maximus [which literally means biggest slug] are just about copeable. I had to handle a few that were making a beeline for the vegetables. So l had to manhandle these things and place them somewhere else, which was a bit icky, but hey ho.
The Spider …
I don’t have a problem with spiders or arachnids as they are scientifically referred to … l actually like them, no seriously l do …. over the years l have had my fair share of dealings with them – many different varieties, big ones, small ones, fast ones, slow ones and even prickly hairy ones and jumping ones! I have been bitten and stung alike by spiders, been made ill by certain ones, eaten roasted ones and even handled poisonous both voluntary and unknowingly! I don’t mind them …. as long as they abide one small rule of thumb. ..
Not surprising me, or jumping on me, or taking an uninvited hike down my neck or up into my shorts or … well anywhere really. If they can abide by that rule l am really cool with them. I mostly fascinated with spiders, something that hasn’t changed from when l was a five year old handling red backs in Australia with a lollypop sticks. Hell l even had a pet one called Henrietta who was a Huntsman – so they’re fine.
Now Suze, she doesn’t mind them either – BUT she doesn’t want them in the house – my arguments of they keep the fly populations down fall on deaf ears, because Suze doesn’t like flies being in the house anymore than spiders and her countered argument is … “If there are no flies in the house, we don’t need the spiders!”
Last Monday as in the 3rd of June at around 11pm, l was working on the blog, Suze had gone to bed. On a wee trip [excuse pun] to the toilet l discovered that Suze was not in bed, but was looking up at the space just above the open door?
“You alright darling?” I enquired.
“Spider!” She answered still looking up above her head.
Walking into where she was l looked where she was looking and yes there was a spider indeed. Relatively big brute as well, if l say so myself. Thankfully as said neither Suze and l suffer from the dreaded arachnophobia.
“Well babes, what’s the problem? It’s not doing you any harm?”
“Well l might swallow it!”
“Well don’t eat it then, duuh?”
“Oh yes, aren’t you the funny fucker! I mean when l go to bed, l don’t want spider here skuttling across the ceiling and dropping into my mouth!”
“Why would the spider even want to do that?”
“It can happen you know?”
“Well maybe so, but l don’t think this spider has that desire, judging by the size of it, l would say it’s a her, out hunting or looking for hanky panky, so l very much doubt, dropping into your mouth is on her agenda for tonight.”
“I don’t care if she is out for a quickie, l don’t want her dropping into my mouth when l am asleep.”
“Do you how many things potentially pop into our mouths whilst we sleep? You know l was reading only the other day tha….” I stopped when l saw the look on Suze’s face. The ‘STFU look!
“It – she needs to be out of here … now.”
“Okay well l can do it for you, no problem.”
“Really how can you do that when you are NOT supposed to be reaching up above your head. It’s no problem l can do this myself!”
So off Suze went, into the kitchen and retrieved a glass, and a piece of slim card. With these tools of the trade, she managed to trap madam spider, slide card under glass and voila one trapped glass encased spider. Which is where, the hero of the day steps in ..
“I’ll take her out the front babes, pointless you doing it, you are in your nightwear. You go to bed and l will offload the spider.” Taking the spider and the glass from Suze I started walking to the door, where just as she was about to close the bedroom door and l stopped her and said “Babes, could you come and unlock and open the front door please, both my hands are filled with glass and spider.”
“Really? Some hero you are, l could have opened the door with the spider and the glass blindfolded. Bit pointless me coming to help you, when l could have done that myself! Why did l give you the spider in the first place? Typical man!”
As she unlocked the door, not to be outwinked, l did say “Well at least you don’t have to go outside with the spider, that’s what l was saving you from doing, because l am still dressed.”
I went outside with the spider and the glass, went to let it go and suddenly madam spider jumped out of the glass and landed on me … to which point l squealed loud enough to awaken the neighbourhood and wearing black as l was, l couldn’t see the spider but could feel it on my neck … oh no, NOT an univited neck crawl and so l started doing the crazy spider’s on me dance! Do you know the one l mean? No? Well it involves you squealing and jumping up and down whilst shaking and patting various parts of your body whilst your partner is standing on the doorstep in knickers and a tee shirt laughing so loud that there are tears rolling down her side! Are you familiar with this dance ?
As it happens, Suze had seen the spider fall off me and run under the car, buuuuuuuuuuuuut she didn’t tell me that for a good minute and some! She just let me, you know the hero doing a good turn jump up and down and squeal like a startled piglet!
Yeah, well that’s the spider’s tale … but me an’ spiders ‘we are tight!’ so long as they are not crawling all over me!
Think that’s funny, wait till l tell you about the Snail and the Frog tomorrow!