Reflections of Yesterday …

Written in 2010, a year which saw me look back over many years before, and think deep and hard – a journey within a journey.

Reflections of Yesterday

I could ask you a thousand questions Father….
Yet need the answer to only one,
My memory may at times falter,
…But it is not completely undone,
What did l learn from you…?
…That my Mother did not teach me,
A question l oft ask myself true,
… But l just don’t see,

How very much alike we are these days,
Whether you see it or not as l do,
Genetically l learned your ways,
Luckier for me, my footsteps are new,
Meaning that you did not teach me the way to be,
It was a reflection,
Of another entity,
Struggling for perfection,

I see you in me, and understand more than you think,
But do you understand me,
Or am l to you just out of sync,
For like you l too am orientated Aspergically,

I could ask you a thousand questions Father….
Yet need the answer to only one,
Was there really the need for such violent behaviour?
Aimed at your children and our Mum?

I understand that your anger came from your yesterday,
When your Father treated you just as bad,
But was it really necessary for you to display,
And express through your fists when you were mad,

Irrelevant to whether or not it was we at fault,
Or reflections from another time,
Which were guilty of making you shout,
And indulging in your rages to act in brutal crime,

Confusion can be a terrible emotion to manage,
Often leading to upset and turmoil,
Yet why did you not break the cycle and lessen the damage,
And walk away when everything came to the boil?
Or was it just way too easy to show us your power,
Making us all so very afraid,
Worrying whether today we would again have to cower,
Because you had succumbed to yet another rage!

And look at us now, both you and me,
Living alone as we do,
You because of your hostility,
And me because of my fear of being like you,
I have never struck another person unlike some,
Who do not think twice,
About striking out at their children or their Mum,
With fists of iron and a mind of ice,

I have had a few relationships with the fairer sex,
Sadly like you none of these were to last,
For l am often accused of neglect,
Or being too selfish, which as an insult makes me laugh,
I use not my disorderly dysfunctioning as an excuse,
Despite it puzzling and riddling me daily,
And thankfully l am not prone to dishing out abuse,
Although l suffer from memories which are ghostly,

For memories are with us forever, of this no one can deny,
And whilst time can be a great healer of the broken emotion,
Some of the learning’s from our past are best left to lie,
So as to not cause us upset and inner commotion,
Yet with every breath that l take these days,
And each memory that comes to visit,
I must make amends within so as to not cause further affray,
Hence why now on pen and paper do l commit,

Slumbering giants fit for an elephant’ graveyard,
Or retreating echoes from yesterdays’ reflections,
Footsteps from long ago which were hard,
To retrace and walk back down darkened alleys in ruins,

If l have one thing to say Father, it would be this,
As a youngster you caused me so much upset,
Over time and years since then l have to learned to forgive,
But don’t ever expect me to forget,

What did l learn from you Father l ask myself now,
I learned how not to act like a hardened reflection of yesterday,
Yet have never learned how,
To simply forget those yesterdays.

© Rory Matier 2010

13 thoughts on “Reflections of Yesterday …

  1. Surviving childhood is so difficult for too many!
    Some people just shouldn’t be parents.
    You’re a much better human than your father and I’m sure he hates it.
    Beautiful poem!

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