The Light at the End of the Tunnel
It has been an awkward week so far for a number of different reasons. The probate, my sister, the solicitors, the shoulder injury and external blog activities. I have been slowly but surely closing things down.
The result of all these activities and problems has left me tired and stressed and quite unsure if l was coming or going most days.
With the raging insomnia combined with the shoulder pain and the gradual deterioration of the areas around my shoulder it has meant that days are not easily defined for me anymore. I know today is Thursday, l know it is the 30th of May, l know that, because the calendar tells me so. So it must be. But if you had of asked me that when l awoke this morning, l probably could not have told you the answer with any clarity anymore than l could have told you my own name.
Currently days are all joining together to make one long day, l have on average about three hours sleep a night if lucky. Everything is shot to shit literally, my bioclock is clueless as to what a normal sleeping pattern is anymore and l don’t know what it is either. I just now know that l am awake at 8am, and l am up anywhere between 8-10am, and l go to bed anywhere between 3-5am. Sometimes l get five hours sleep and wake up deader than before l retired for the night, and other times l mostly get between 2-3hours sleep a night and wake up looking like a zombie!
The reason for this is, l am trying to close down all kinds of activities that l no longer need in my life, as well as trying to bring the damn probate to a firm conclusion. The former is less stressful, the latter is more stressful.
My sister and l are currently communicating again but only through obligation, we must communicate to finalise this estate.
Thank goodness, tomorrow is the last episode of my father’s autobiography! as l have neared the end , l have literally pasted them up for my own archive. Readers tick like sometimes before they could have read it. It is not that interesting so l understand why people are not reading it, l am only reading it myself to glean the last few answers to questions l have had. Many questions have been answered successfully, and the reading of that document has in some places answered not just the questions l had but answered questions l hadn’t asked.
Before the manuscript, my father maintained this partial autobiography would answer many questions l had and did not have, or had not yet asked of my father when he was alive. Before the manuscript l knew my parents as a couple by about 97%. Reading this book, and l now know my parents at around 98%, l believe l will never have the remaining 2% answered. I have learned more about my mother through this and not so much new of my father. but that is fine, with my mother l had suspicions and they have been addressed.
Both of my parents were liars, l knew this when growing up with them at home. Both were as they aged, guilty of selective memory. My father directed as many answers as he could into this manuscript, and he died before completion. The manuscript finished on page 198 officially, tomorrow with all the editing l have performed during the series itself, it will finish 193 thereabouts. He got to 1998 in his real life and then he stopped dead. For the remaining pages, what could he then write?
Well in truth, he could have written a lot more, he could have written about his children, or his daughter especially as she was the golden child. My father and l stopped speaking properly with each other in 2004 when l told him to fuck off and stop being a bully. By 2007/8, both of his children were going through a divorce from their partners.
I applied for a grant to help me with legal costs and then the law changed and l had to pay back the amount l had as well as all my costs. I divorced my wife on adultery and mental cruelty and abuse as she was guilty of, but the law changed and we could no longer mention that anymore, so l had to then divorce her on mental cruelty only.
My sister wasn’t allowed to apply for a grant,, because my father stepped on board and paid for everything and told me when l told him l was getting divorced that ‘your sister, has got in first mate1’
My answer was quite simply, “I wasn’t ringing about that, l have a grant, l was ringing to let my father know l was divorcing my wife, actually, but it doesn’t matter, go and help your little princess!”
Which my father did, from 2007 – 2018 long after her divorce my father helped my sister financially, and principally ignored me as his son for many years. He was a grandfather afterall, and as l ‘wasn’t capable apparently’ of bringing children into this world then my sister deserved everything and he would make it up to me when he was dead!!’
For me personally, l started losing interest in his autobiography about six weeks ago, but l had made a pact with myself to get it finalised as a project, and tomorrow, that pact agreement is complete. My views on this are basically, dad should have stuck to short stories – he did well with them …… only them.
But through this darkened tunnel, l have indeed learned a lot more about my family. Through the whole probate l have learned more of my sister and my mother, and through the end of my fathers days l learned significant amounts of my mother alone. Finally, l can see my mother for the woman she is and isn’t.
My shoulder is playing up immensely now, pain is horrendous, the next appointment l can get to see my doctor to get the ball rolling for a second opinion is on the 28th June!? The pain is intense across many areas now as the shoulder starts to really react with everything that has gone wrong with it, and now my upper chest on the right side, behind my right shoulder blade, the top of my shoulder and my armpit and side of my chest there, leave me in an assortment of various pains from plain discomfort to agony.
I am hoping by the end of next month l will be on the road to getting some serious answers for my shoulder … hoping anyway!
I am also hoping that in the next few days, l see some monies coming into my bank account from the estate and further hoping to see this whole thing finish and finalise by early June, first ten days or so.
Thanking my lucky stars l am not in a depression but my motivations keep taking a battering, so l will be pleased when some of the stress load is greatly reduced if not just gone forever. Maybe l can have a normalised sleeping pattern resume and l would not feel so dog tired all the time.
I have been engaged and involved in a lot of deep thinking and progression of other sorts in the last two weeks. I have been working deep in the blog, changing things and linking others – l am looking forwards to starting a new series next week called ‘Changing The Face Of My Blog’ as l have finally come to quite few decisions of late with regarding my blogging and l wanted to share those opinions and answers with you all.
But finally and thankfully The Light at the End of the Tunnel is approaching.