Doin’ The Dirty Twice Nightly!

Doin’ The Dirty Twice Nightly!

Most times Suze and l do it together,
Occasionally twice and late at night,
Always outside whatever the weather,
You can hear our giggles of delight!

Who knows what the neighbours must think,
Especially if they see the flashing light,
Perhaps they wonder if we are into some kink,
Using the foliage to tickle and excite?

At least once nightly Suze is down on her knees,
Me standing slightly higher and just above,
Suze excels in this position, it’s her expertise,
Me l am thinking is now the time to shove?

It’s always great seeing my Suze flat on her back,
But sometimes it’s under appreciated,
Cos there’s a time and a place for the teasing smack,
But no one wants to feel unnecessarily slimed and lubricated!

At times it’s cold, and still Suze manages to get them out,
They are hiding and don’t always wish to be seen,
But it’s got to be done, afterall that’s what it’s all about,
We have tried all sorts including vaseline!

Eggshells, copper coils, grit, beer and coffee grounds too,
All resulting in failure, a complete and utter mess,
But this way it’s easier, and quite fun to do,
As well as tackling it hands on and reducing the stress!

But sometimes, l am out there all alone,
My tool in hand, and looking for an unsuspecting  bush,
Irrelevant if just me by myself, l cannot postpone,
If needs be , l can always simply ambush!

Never see me coming, l mean l am silent in my approach,
You have to be quiet or you’ll give your game away,
But with my tool in hand, l can peek first, then broach,
Surprising them all and ruining their day!

We both said this year would be different from the others,
No more would we just stand back and simply tolerate,
Abusive behaviour from the wandering vegetable munchers,
Who think it’s amusing to chomp, chew and desecrate!

Now we are in control, twice a night we openly attack,
Seeing off all unwanted garden visiters and shelled punters,
We peel them off our goodies, and hoist them out back,
Because this year, we are the notorious Snail Hunters!


Yep Suze and l are at it again, this time with more gusto, this time with more purpose. Suze is no longer the mad hatter shouting at the frogs and toads for not doing their jobs. This season, we are out there between 10pm to 2am, torch in hand and a bucket, peeling the snails off the vegetables and off the lawns. Sunday night we found 30 snails, last night l shifted out 5 at 2am. Tonight at midnight l found 15. It’s a battle of the wills and for 2019 we are not willing nor prepared to lose to the these shelled predators!


17 thoughts on “Doin’ The Dirty Twice Nightly!

  1. That’s bloody hilarious! At first I was like, rory is mad! He’s going mental! Hahahaha! Until I read down further! Great poem and I hope the snails let up soon! xxx

    1. Hey Carol Anne, ha ha glad you liked it, the snails are just one of the banes of this garden. As organic growers we don’t use chemicals, and l don’t want to kill them, we just want them to not eat our vegetables 🙂

    1. Oh yes Michelle, these darn critters annoy the living hell out of Suze and myself too, hence the extreme measures. As said we don’t tend to spray any chemicals and most of the so called organic approaches don’t stop predation from the determined and the likes of snails and slugs are determined 🙂

      So the only way we can defeat is to go out and tackle them head and hands on. We don’t want to kill them, but we have a bucket filled with leaves with a perforated lid, which every week we take up the woods here and dump them there ha ha 🙂

  2. I remember picking caterpillars off the plants. We never used chemicals either, so we just counted on losing a part of our produce. Sharing is okay, but I hated when the bugs and critters would nibble parts of many plants instead of eating a whole plant. The strawberries were the worst. Bites out of every single berry, none completely eaten. That’s just rude!

    1. Ha ha – absolutely!

      I have just come in from a sorte. Suze is in bed fast asleep, it’s absolutely hammering it down rain wise over here currently, not that rain puts off snails they love it. I don’t mind picking up snails at least they have a shell, but slugs and l want to throw up!

      However tonights haul 75 snails assorted size and six leopard slugs!

        1. Well strangely enough Suze went out this morning at 6am, after the rains had finished and found another twenty – so l am guessing – yes! Snail press adverts are obviously well read in this neck of the woods 🙂

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