Dear Blog – 18.25 – 25/05/19

Still None The Wiser!

It is said that when you drop red and white meat from your diet, strange things happen! Okay, well what happens when strange things are already happening then??

It’s been six weeks that Suze and l have been pescatarians … do l feel any different?

I don’t know in so far as mentally, because the last few weeks especially l have felt out of sorts anyway. My shoulder never helps the situation and my visit to my surgeon only infuritated me, and more so since l have learned what has actually happened!

For my devout ‘Dear Blog’ readership who have been with me since this series started with the months leading into my father’s death in October last year, you’ll know that a lot has been going on and ongoing .. if it’s not one thing, it is usually two others if not three at the same time, making it at times hard to hyperfocus on just one thing.

My father’s seven month ‘death anniversary’ was a few days ago on the 18th. Since working with his administration from the estate, all his personal effects and his stories and autobiographies has been quite a journey. I was still going strong at the 6 month anniversary, but at that point l did noticably slow down. I had had enough of my father, and for that matter, my sister and my mother too. I had and have had enough of my genetical family to last me several lifetimes. I have learned more about everyone because of the reading l undertook. Dad’s stories are mostly all in, and l am closing in on the final episodes of his ‘autobiography’ .. yeah the real one.

Dealing with my sister has been very awkward for me, because she is unerringly like my father, it can be at times quite overwhelming, just how up her own pompous backside she is. Exactly like dad used to be. Everyone else is a fuckwit except her. She can never be wrong! Plus she detests not having the last word. She detests not being right! She believes her own lies! She is all about, she, she, she, she!

If l didn’t know better l might think my sister has simply disappeared and dad took over her body upon his sad demise.

My father and l loosely loved each other, but many a time we simply didn’t get along as father and son, he wanted to treat me more as a mate than a son, and l didn’t want my father as my mate, but as my dad. He always treated my sister like a golden egg, she was never at any time not his princess. Even when it was obvious that he actually had started to hate her, yes – hate her is the right word, she was still his princess. She could never do wrong, even when she was blatantly wrong and dad knew it! She could do no wrong, and as a result of that he spoiled her and her two children rotten to the core.

They got so used to it and especially my sister that she stopped working a well paid job to take on board a much lesser paid job, because as far as she was concerned, her father owed her, and as far as dad was concerned, she owed him! Why did she give up her brilliant job – l don’t know, she obviously still misses it. But l can’t tell if she is all talk and not enough walk when it comes to her so called glamourous job as a realtor.

It’s a tough commission paid field and if you are not to a certain point aggressively progressive then you are out. What l think and remembering a conversation l had with my father a couple of years back. Jenny was salaried and then her office became commissioned only, l think this is quite possibly the truth or very close to it.

Yes l know l have digressed, but l do that, as you all know. But it has not been a pleasant journey, this probate, not at all. I made a poor judgement call back in October by allowing Jenny to be lead probate thinking dad would have liked that and my sister would enjoy the responsibility, but l was also fooled by my sister into thinking she wanted her brother back in her life ………. she most assuredly doesn’t.

This whole process has just been made harder with a shoulder injury that doesn’t want to heal, and yet the medical profession has now struck me off their books as repaired, and l will get to that shortly .. but redirected me to both pain therapy and physiotherapy. The latter has come available first which seems somewhat odd. The pain management clinic l have not heard from yet. To my understanding, l am supposed to have my pain identified properly before physiotherapy commences? It’s all fuck eyed to put it harshly! So l am going to be pulled around with a broken shoulder inducing agony and await the pain clinic to book my first appointment!? How does that make sense?

I have recently and very sadly learned that l am at the bottom of the pile again! 🙁

I am going to have to start from scratch on the road to repair!  Some of you may recall that the only reason l paid privately to receive the injective surgery was so l didn’t have to wait the 8-9 months for the operation under the National Health Service. The surgeon told me that if that proceedure failed then the next step was key hole. The proceedure has failed and now l have been struck off the books?

When l paid, with money we really didn’t have l was told by the private administrator that l would not lose my position in the queue to repair as l told him that if l was going to be at the bottom again l would NOT go privately – so l was lied to deliberately as far as l am concerned. Because now that l paid and l am not wishing to continually pay privately, l have been dropped to the bottom of the pile!

I cannot say that l am not bitterly upset, many fold. 1] because the damn proceedure cost £1000 that they suggested we do to jump ahead of the queue and making us closer to keyhole which isn’t true! 2] because the bloody thing failed and induced more pain and 3] because l am being treated in a fuck eyed manner.

So l have been dealing with an awkward probate with the reincarnated version of my father within my sister, a fucked up NHS medical system that doesn’t care if l am in pain or not, a sister who seemingly doesn’t want any money and keeps finding reasons to contest everything and l am still none the wiser as to whether becoming a pescatarian has made a difference to my life?

So as said, mentally l am all over the place, l hardly know whether l am coming or going most days, l am now swallowing 15 tablets a day that aren’t cutting the pain levels, l am losing sleep left and right to centre or sleeping like the dead, l am not usually hitting the sack till around 4am, although l am awake at 8am, but sometimes not till 10am! Which is outrageous behaviour! I think l have lost weight, although l am not heavy to begin with. But l never managed to give up smoking, and so l am still doing that which suppresses hunger cravings. who knows?

Do l miss red meat? No, because l wasn’t eating red meat in the first place, now l just eat more fish! Bloody good job l like fish isn’t it!? About the only thing that is currently correct and facing little argument or contestation by anyone is fish! In fish we trust!

Dear Blog ……

16 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 18.25 – 25/05/19

  1. Looks like you’re having a bit of my luck. I absolutely hate that anyone should deal with such bureaucratic bullshit trying to get medical treatment. Especially when it’s pain and possible nerve damage. The longer it takes to get proper treatment, the worse the damage and the poorer the eventual outcome. So called civilized society should be past this kind of crap!
    About eating & diet, during my worst times I had to force myself to eat or buy those nutrition drinks, just to keep my body fueled. I lost all interest in food, pain was demanding most of my attention. I still have food issues. It’s almost like an eating disorder, but not about body image.
    Talk of fish makes me think of the Dr Demento song Fish Heads. I can’t link cuz I’m on my tablet but it’s a laugh if you want to look it up.💌

      1. Oh you chose a good one. I would’ve just gone with one of the simple ones with the song.
        Will Suze swat you if you start singing the song the next time you have fish? LOL!
        …eat them up, yum!

  2. Things are not getting any easier for you Rory, but cutting out red meat otherwise improves the body health.

    1. As crass as this is going to read, when the money is in the bank, l will not care about my sister, red meat, white meat l don’t miss 🙂

      Once l get this shoulder fixed, l’ll be a happier man, but as Grandma has pointed out, the longer it takes, the worse it’s becoming.

        1. So do l Sadje, it’s takes the zest out of life in many respects – l don’t mean oh well time to go cut off my head or something sinister like that, but it can be somewhat demotivating, especially now that it’s 17 months and still no closer to an end game in sight.

          1. A very long time in pain. I remember when I was suffering from frozen shoulder, even the slightest jolt anywhere would bring tears to my eyes.

    2. As crass as this is going to read, when the money is in the bank, l will not care about my sister, red meat, white meat l don’t miss 🙂

      Once l get this shoulder fixed, l’ll be a happier man, but as Grandma has pointed out, the longer it takes, the worse it’s becoming.

  3. It sounds like you’re in the midst of some fuckery, particularly with your family and the pain you’re experiencing. I hate bringing up topics like this, but I have to get it out: , I think many Americans who are clamoring for social medicine don’t realize how it works for real.

        1. Ah right got you, like we have here for and with the NHS – National Health Service.

          As a service it used to be superb, not any more it’s not. I have seen horrendous changes in recent years, it is broken and no longer working.

          I think somewhere in the future it is going to become a system of healthcare similiar to the medical insurances status of the USA and australia.

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