La carte a des rapports sexuels
“Oh aye, they talk of legalising prostitution,
Like that is exactly what we need,
To make sexual services an institution,
But as of yet, the process has not succeeded,
Many arguments for, as well as against,
One of the oldest ‘arts’ in the world to date,
To make it okay to have sex dispensed,
Structured, and at a price that beats inflation,
And to be honest like, it’s that that stirs my interest,
I mean, how does one ‘make up a price list,
For sexual services fit to impress,
The likely lads tired of using their fist?
I mean what would it be called?
And would it appear in French,
Like an ‘a la carte’ or would that appall,
The English as it has to make more sense?
Menu of sex, intercourse on card?
Sexual services or lovemaking skills for sale,
Displayed in such a way to make you hard,
Like the quest for the Holy Grail!
And would the acts be classed as talents,
Or numbered like a Chinese Take Away?
Would a blowjob be a major event,
Perhaps or just seen as a fraction of the overall percent?
And then how does one grade performance to price,
What if you are unhappy with the grade,
Who do you complain to ‘when sex is not nice’
And do you get a refund if you’ve already paid?
Is it just money back,
Or perhaps a gift voucher for the next time,
When sex is great on the track,
And all is well and clearly defined?
Like you know, how is it to be secured,
Pricing up the sensual delights,
And will you have to pay to be insured,
For possibly practicing and reaching new heights?
Oh aye, has to be said, that l am impressed,
By the possibility of creating such a promotion,
Configuring the arts of making love for the ultimate Dick test!
And marketing the loving emotion!
But deny not that l am baffled,
As to how the list will start to take shape,
Numbering the sequences in and out of bed,
Of this political sexual red tape!
Advertising the wares of such raunchy behaviours’,
‘Tis truly a remarkable feat,
Back to the Takeaway and a portion of sweet an’ sour,
For Joe Blogs and his extraction of sweat!
And what will the list hold if we are to number them?
Will a BJ become a number ‘one’?
Or a six, fourteen or a twenty seven,
Perhaps even just start from basic fun,
And work up till heightened frenzy,
Where you can pre order a combo meal,
And a choice of tasty bevies,
Ripened sexual flavours selection from the Karma Sutra wheel?
And will there be add Ons or ‘applications’
To suit every ones sleazy fantasy’s
From the simple screw to multiple fornication’s,
Complete with complex torturous gadgetry?
Oh aye, by God you can see how painful this list might be,
To create it like a very classy deluxe menu of sin,
From the straight forwards to the downright saucy,
Debaucheries galore for those who like to win,
Not forgetting those who like to explore,
The deeper recesses of the mind,
Not available from her indoors,
Or available if at all at any time!
Reaching deep into the sexual mind of the deviant,
This list must set to travel and to cure,
Sill remaining legally binding,
But racy enough to allure,
Punters from off the street as well as the regulars,
Clients from all walks of life,
All money welcome from sexual prisoners,
Trapped to the mundane with the wife,
An exciting sexual a la carte for those adventurers,
Who like a bit of legalised risk,
Like to have their parts exposed to ticklers,
Not taking the piss,
But understand the needs of man and his weakness,
To sexual desire and all that stuff,
To escape the real world for a while and all the stress,
With females whom like to giggle and know how to laugh!
Oh aye, ‘tis true that this might amount to a fact,
But it’s not politically correct,
You see, for it’s off the beaten track,
And l am beginning to think it’s illegal to be erect!
But who knows what is around the corner,
And what the future might hold,
For those whom are a little bit hornier,
And simply don’t like to be told …
That sex is not to be bought for money,
It is only to be paid for with love,
By the woman known as your honey,
And not a quick shag that costs you hard earned dough!
© Rory Matier 1992
Disclaimer; This is a light hearted piece of comedy poetry only. I have had this read by a few of my fellow bloggers to ensure that my Asperger’s does not cause offence with regards my own sexual openness. I tend to not treat sex as a taboo subject, so l do hope this doesn’t cause any reader upset, as that is not its overall intention, but just a light hearted approach of a heated and political subject that is testing the metal of many.
Something l shall write about in due course is my time spent as an escort in London during the early 90’s. An occupation that l quite literally stumbled into it like indeed so many of the other occupations and fancies l have known in my life. During these times l came to pen through boredom when l attended various events, balls and galas on the arm of another a series of ‘bawdy poems’ on napkins.
I worked for an agency off Edgware Road in London beneath a pub where l just happened to be renting a flat. I had been the training manager for a company known as High & Mighty – a specialist menswear chain for the larger gentlemen in life. I was on contract with this company to create a training manual of excellence but they considered it too advanced for their staffing and upper management and so l was laid off – the official stance, the unofficial stance was that l had been seeing one of those very same upper managers and was laid off to avoid a potential outcry and scandal. However l was compensated very well for ‘services rendered’ and so needed to fulfil my time whilst l looked to secure new employment. The agency was just the right ticket for my enquiring and explorative mind.
One event l attended was a dinner in London, and one of the topics highlighted for the night was concerning prostitution and ‘legalising the profession’, which fascinated me. I was the escort to a rather well to do journalist at the time and she was very interested and was researching this very subject for a series. There was a certain amount of irony l have to add with the topic and the ‘position’ l was holding at the time.
Bear in mind as you read this, that this was actually written in 1992, which is now just over 25 years ago, and back then the topic of the night was in many ways as much of a controversial issue as it was back then and still is today – in fact l would say more so today. The discussions that were talked of that night were ‘legalising prostitution and brothels.’
Escort services are part of the adult industry reflective upon each person’s interpretation. This particular piece was written following the raised topic at the dinner between the journalist and some respected gentlemen from the north of England and Scotland, note with the inclusion of the occasional ‘Oh aye’.
I enjoyed my time in the industry and l met a lot of different and unique personalities and was enthralled and captivated by the whole scene and had at one point considered even making it a long term appointment, however l chose not to pursue it further but it opened my mind up to a lot, lot more and in many respects and worked to broaden my horizons on the people of our world but also, how society views the people of our world. I did however for a few years afterward submit ‘saucy stories’ to certain publications for payment, but that is another story in itself.