An Ocean of Echoes

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An Ocean of Echoes

Bam, bam, bam!
Again doors slam!

The nightly chorus has again begun,
When blind silence and untroubled nights would be bliss,
Yet living here at times is not really that much fun,
And even eggshell walking can kick off a crisis,

Upstairs l listen to the shattering peace from the under floors,
Shuddering and praying that perhaps it will not last that long,
Tiring of a being a keeper of darker secrets behind closed doors,
Scared that the singer might decide to include me in his song,

As far as memory allows l can remember this bustle from my childhood,
Living in a constant fear, of wondering if it would perhaps ever cease,
And more concerned that perhaps this too might be my manhood,
Growing up and becoming a similar nightmare on another person’s peace,

Even back then, truly l was astounded that she could love him so,
With his hard loving brutality and dried up emotion,
Yet outsiders knew not of this nightly show,
Nor of the inner turmoil’s and mental commotion,

When nothing was ever right, no matter how good it was,
A troubled and stained mind that only lashed out,
Impossibly hard to please the master with his strict laws,
Who ruled with an iron rod and viscous shouts,

Yet despite the hidden shades and yellowing hues,
Still she worshipped the ground, in which he trod,
Always endeavouring to make excuses for the abuse,
Covering up for him and his blatant fraud,

Oh what it must be like to be a pained Father figure,
And living within the confines of a loving family,
Oh how hard it must be to be a worker, drinker and a gambler,
Never mind an adulterer and a nightly thuggee,

At school, l would listen to those who talked of happy times,
My hurt confusion was in a head spin all of its own,
And l would sit there silent thinking of domestic crimes,
Wanting to share, but knowing l was all alone,

For this was my Father, a man l admired and loved so,
Yet terrified of in many more ways than one,
There were times when he was good and this would show,
But the bad times seriously outweighed the fun,

And now am l to recall with fondness my growing up days,
When l worried for my Mother and sister and the strains,
Of knowing that the wrong word here or there would betray,
Further the dignity that was trying to be maintained,

That we lived the normal life of a loving close knit unit,
Yet behind closed doors, we lived in continued fear,
Worrying constantly if the house was clean or if the credit,
Is sufficient to pay the monthly bills, or that we were sincere,

And that the homework was done, and the garden was tidy,
That the dinner was ready and to be on the table,
Where we all sat and listened to the laws we had to obey,
Providing ample information to ensure to him that we were able,

It is not easy living ones’ life in fear of a bully,
It affects you from the time that you leave the home,
And takes a very long time indeed to rediscover and trust the beauty,
Mentally staying with you as you age and forever present as you roam,

Wondering if the hidden anger that you witnessed when young,
Should arise when the pressures of life hit you when low,
And that they too will make you strike upon,
Those that you say you love but are unable to show,

And now many years on, echoes of my past,
That makes up the ocean of my thought,
Are ever present, but l can say with hand upon my heart,
That those memories are just quiet footsteps that have gone unwalked.

© Rory Matier 2009

44 thoughts on “An Ocean of Echoes

  1. Heartbreaking and triumphant!

    Was I not with you in May of last year?! Possible I suppose. It seems like I’ve been a follower of your blog longer than that. Don’t know how this got by me the first time around.

  2. Many people would take the same route and blame it on their upbringing and circumstances. You didn’t and that is a huge plus in your favor. You knew it was wrong and wasn’t ever tempted to go down that road.

        1. Yes very much so, it used to terrify me that l would grow up like him, and when my mother was angry at me, she would throw insults at me – you’ll grow up like your father ‘ because she knew it upset me bitterly.

          My own mother wasn’t the angel she would like everyone to believe.

  3. You are describing my life too, and the exact same thoughts and feelings. The need to oresent the united happy family. The keeping of the secret. In my case it was my mother who was the bully but my father was violent too. But never a word must be said. I lived in fear too. My mother is still aluve, aged 93.mmthis piem needs to be out there even more, Rory.

    1. Hey Lorraine, sadly l feel there are many people who can relate to this – here’s wishing you a lovely Tuesday and thanks for the comment 🙂

      1. I agree with you. I think there are. Many keep quiet about it though, which is sad. Have a lovely Thursday yourself.

          1. Oh lol. Ha ha Rory. Wow, THANKYOU. I really needed that laugh! You have lfted me up after I just received a most horrible email from some person on WP. You remember telling me to say it as it was? Well, someone didn’t like it so chose to atrack me personally, plus my Blog and plus my character. Oh, such is life! It did upset me, but just this one remark from you has lifted me up. Thankyou. And yes, it IS Tuesday lol. 😀

            1. Hey lorraine, l am pleased l have lifted your spirits – but that’s not good to hear aka your troll.

              Did they attack you and your blog on your blog or personally attack you by email in your private space?

              1. They atracked me via email Rory. It was a personal attack on my character, and saying things about my Blog that were bad, and saying that it made her sick hoe people were reinforcing me on my Blog. Since I told you about the first email I have received another that accused me of things that are not true. It was very nasty. But nothing that I could prove. It was quite frightening actually. It is someone who did follow my Blog, then stopped, and then said I had made allegations, which I hadn’t. Anyone can read my Blog, and nowgere have I made allegations. It has shaken me up if I am honest. I am wondering if it is someone local to me who has found my Blog and done this. I just do not know. Anyway, I won’t post for a while as it has shaken me up so badly. She accused me of having pity parties and of people reinforcing me in it, and it made her sick. Because of that I dare not post any more.

              2. Well this isn’t good Lorraine.

                I had a stalker that never released their name, and l could never answer back because they always used a false email.

                I am guessing you know this person as in their blog name?

                I am not much into name and shame myself, but l do try to find however a positive from a negative.

                Don’t let the bullies bully you out Lorraine. because then they have won, instead you could turn it on its head, and basically explain to your readership what has happened and ask for their input?

                A lot of bullies don’t like to think that they are going to be defended against – so they can keep on doing what they are doing but BULLYING is NOT acceptable, and most assuredly Cyberbullying is less acceptable.

                You could report them to WP for harassment?

              3. Thanks Rory. I’ll see. It has shaken me badly. Smiley face back at ya.

              4. Thanks Rory. I just wondered if it was true about my Blog,vwhat she was saying. Except that other things were said as well. Anyway, in defiance I DID just post an older poem again. I hate bullies who play mind games! 😊

              5. Thankyou Rory. You have helped me so much by just listening, and talking back to me. I do know the person’s WP name, and her Blog. She told me in an email where she lived, that she has just moved, and it is not in my town. It is way up North from here. But I don’t believe her now. It could even be a man. I could think of some people whom I know who might do this. But this person was a so called Christian, who was all over me in the beginning, saying what wonderful poetry I did and what a wonderful person I was, and saying if she lived near me she would be round like a shot to help me ohysically in the house etc. Then she did THIS, after leaving me for a while. She had also put me into contact with another bligger from the Isle of Man suppisedly, who also emailed me all over me etc then she too got nasty. I don’t know what is going on zrory. But I thank YOU from the bottom of my heart for talking to me about it. My first knee jerk reaction was to delete my Blog entirely. It scared me

              6. Blimey Lorraine, no don’t delete – that’s not the answer – sadly when we blog publically like we are doing, we are opening up our souls to the world. Not everyone will like it, some will follow us, then stop that, then follow us again and it goes on.

                My first thought for you is to block those two bloggers from seeing your stuff, and maybe check your settings to see if you have the option to authorise comments first so nothing terrible is left in your comments section.

                As said you could write a heartfelt blog to your readership, explaining the situation, not mention the bloggers names or do so, that is a personal preference, and ask your readership if they think that the allegations made against you are everyone’s opinion, l think you will be pleased that your readership will not agree with the bloggers bad comments.

                Also tell them, that it worried you so much that it scared you, you were thinking of deleting your blog and not posting for a while, so your readership can see the seriousness of it all.

                Or – don’t write anything, scratch it up to experience and carry on as normal 🙂

              7. Thanks Rory. I am thinking about all those options. I couldn’t understand the pity pary bit. I know I write about my cancer and blindness, but then I also wriite in a more triumphant way, for want of a better word. Plus I write humorous. Plus I write about birds and natire a LOT. Anyway, I got mad and just
                Osted an old poem again lol. There were some nastier things though that concern my local area, that have truly scared me. Anyway, let’s see what I feel later lol. Smiles and big thanks

              8. Thanks Rory. I am drawn to the making it public bit lol. Not sure if that will do more harm than good. Someone ekse did something like this to me recently as well, and then named and shamed ME, telling utter lies about me. So I don’t know. Apple carts and other things come to mind! It us worrying when I was accused though of something that could go legal. Nasty person. Thanks Rory. Smiles

              9. Right. Been doing some searching, and three of them seem to have been in it together. Sorry, just ranting! Both just stopped following me. They were following me earlier today. Plus the other one who plastered lies about me all over ber Blog. Sooooo it is a group of them! Duh!

              10. Not good Lorraine, these lies you refer to, you know if there is anything slanderous in them, you could report them to WP and have a case l feel?

              11. I see your point Rory. I had kind of thought of that. But didn’t know how to prove it. Bulkying rings are hard to break up orbget reported. The first person who did it truly DOES have pity parties magnufico! Never seen anything like it in my life lol. She is in Austealia. The other two are one suppisedly in England, the other in the Isle of Man. I never thought theyvwould be connected with the one in Austealia though. The one in Austealia after pasting it all publicly, what I was meant tonhave done, made some of her posts private, so that those who wanted to read them had to ask her for thenpassword. I have no idea what went on after that, but she knew many of my followers. She has been blogging for a loooooong time. Has loads of followers. It is really complicated. It is actually horrible. To a blind person and all, who is extremely vulnerable! But that us maybe why they chose me!

              12. Yes l can imagine, however our world is not nice – if you can try and move on Lorraine, otherwise they will have beaten you. Some people are extremely petty , and she is starting to sound like one. Maybe she is jealous or envious or .. well who knows, but she sounds like someone who should be pitied for taking things to this level.

                That’s not me saying you need to forgive her or feel sorry for her, but just scratch it up to experience and continue to display your strength by continuing to write and post yourself 🙂

                We cannot always please everyone all at once Lorraine 🙂

              13. You are so right Rory. I do know that. And avtually the word jealosy dud come to me. Really, it was the word allegations that scared me as it referred to something that is going on locally that is quite scary. But you are sobright in what you say. I felt it as a threat, but could not prove that. I shspect a person living locally. But cannot prove it. Must just be on my guard now

              14. Another thing you could do Lorraine, is to update your about section and make reference to what you write, making a side note that not everything you write may be to everyone’s taste or liking and these are your personal observations. I include that kind of disclaimer on my autism and mental health posts ……

                “””These are my views on my autism/Asperger’s, they may not be everyone else’s who is on the spectrum. “””

                . That way is this happens again you can say ‘Have you read my About Section?’ Because in it, l have made reference to this very thing.

              15. I did put a Disclaimer in my actual posts but that is a really good idea. To extend it. Inactual fact, I
                Osted in one post that I was NOT looking for help or advuce. But that first person from Aystealia chose to email me with exactly that. I gave her a flea in her ear, referring her to that and told her I didn’t go in for psycho babble. I oreferred other routes. Then she plastered nasty lies all about me on her Blog. But this suggestion of yours is a real good one. THANKYOY

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