Dear Blog – 16.25 – 06/0/19

Motivation Madness

I have my next surgeons appointment on the 16th May, and that’s where we discuss the next step for my shoulder, now that the injective surgery has failed. I am looking forward to it, but not really – the next step is keyhole surgery which means that l could be on a two year waiting list with increased pain and damage continually occuring daily, so that’s not really anything to look forwards to.

I might be lucky and find myself on a shorter waiting list, or if the inheritance comes through l might be able to find a suitable choose and book facility that can perform the surgery quicker at a reduced costing – that would be the better option.

Twice in the last three months, l have had Suze talk me down from deleting my blog … my motivation levels are taking a battering. I know l have a form of depression on board but l am fighting it daily, and keep giving myself pep talks.

The injury now is 15 months old, and has been progressively getting more and more painful as time has passed. It has been an aggressive injury for 11 months today roughly, as it was the 6th June last year that l went to see the physiotherapist who unwittingly caused me more damage because neither of us knew about the ‘then’ collapsing acromion. He unofficially broke it! It’s not his fault, because as said, neither of us knew of the problem.

The pinched nerve which was what we thought was the main problem and the upper tendonitis a secondary issue it turned out were actually the seconday issues whilst the breaking bone was the primary as it was squashing down neurologically on everything else. Now that the bone has officially collapsed  and sits atop of my right shoulder ball joint, nothing is coming or going. Well, except pain and increased levels of pain.

I knew before the injective surgery happened on the 27th March, that it was a 50/50% chance thing – but under new health regulations, alternative approaches have to be made first. Under old regulations and a healthier ‘health service’ as in financially healthier’, l would have had surgery first.

So, the reason l paid was to not induce this level of pain, but in truth, to get me closer to the admitted fact from the surgeon that surgery was required. That’s hopefully where l am. But my motivation has taken a lethal blow.

I struggle to keep pain away these days, l can’t get an increased medication, till l see the surgeon and he tells me that surgey is my road to recovery, because Tramadol is a controlled drug in the UK, and l am currently on a low dosage of 50g or 100mg every 4 hours. What l have been doing on the odd occasion is taking 150mg every 4 hours. Originally that worked, to cope with the increased pain that was expected for the first 10 days after that proceedure. But the increased pain didn’t stop at day 10

What it did do, was double the pain levels l had before the surgery and that is what it has been like officially now since about the 5th April. I can’t sleep properly anymore, l am in constant aggressive pain from the time l get up to the time l go to bed some 18 hours later, then to have painfully aggressive slumber for between 4-6 hours per night.

So l am battling with a depression that wants me to give in.

Ironically, l don’t have writers block, l have an over stimulated brain that is pumping out 300  ideas a day with an arm that suffers spasms and twitches every hour, and is numb for most of the day and can hardly lift itself up, with a hand that shakes and has developed a very serious trigger finger which makes typing very hard at times.

Sometimes l don’t want to do anything, l just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, but l am NOT letting that happen. My blogging has become an obsession of mine to hyperfocus on and keep my mind off the pain, and if that doesn’t work, then l just keep working so as to to mentally dwarf the pain, hence one of the reasons behind my increased prolificness in recent months.

I am stressed folks, seriously stressed and l write a lot when that happens. I am self motivating my mind and at times l struggle – so if at other times, all these posts bother you, my appologies. I love writing, l always have, but it also serves as an escapism and as stress relief to serious pain.

Thanks all.

So there we go.

Dear Blog ……


8 thoughts on “Dear Blog – 16.25 – 06/0/19

  1. So sorry that the pain level is so high that it is giving you so much trouble. I hope that they can fix it and soon, on your next appointment something constructive takes place. Don’t worry about writing too much. We enjoy your posts.

      1. I know. Keep an upbeat attitude. I have suffered a lot of pain in my various joints due to an autoimmune disease. But now I am on proper medication and thank God, I am pain free, except when I break something 😛

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