Just Apples to Me!


Post Revisited, Reedited, Reworded, Reblogged From March 27th 2018

These posts are my views on my autism/Asperger’s, they may not be everyone else’s who is on the spectrum.

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“There’s a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure the truth.”

Maya Angelou

It’s Just Apples to Me!

This conversation took place on the 6th November 2010, less than two years after my diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome in 2008 and it is with my Mother. She struggled to accept my diagnosis, and this is in relation to me further suggesting that both my Father had it, and his Father.

Hello darling, l have been giving this Aspergers thing some thought.

Oh Yes?

I think you are right , l think your Father is Aspergic!

Oh Yes?

Yes l got a book from the library on the subject.

Oh right, ok?

I can see now that from around 4-5 years of age you started to show signs of this disease, but that doesn’t mean you have it dear.

Mum, it’s not a disease as such!

Well anyway darling, your Father had it, selfish bastard that he was! Unloving to the hilt that man!!

Oh right, don’t hold back will you!

Well yes, you are right to say he was an Aspergers, but l was a victim to this you know.

Yes l understand.

You will never have a proper relationship now will you?


He gave me his diabetes you know?

What? Mum, he did not give you that, it is not a contagion.

So he told me, but l itch! And now l am asking you, do you think he passed this Aspergers thing onto me as well?

What?? Mum, l don’t think you are getting it.

Anyway darling lovely to hear from you, l think l am going to read more to see if there is a cure. Take care, love you. Bye

There is a lot of humour in this conversation although some may dispute this, and even now all these years on, Mum is convinced my Father had ‘it’, but probably not me, because l don’t look it!!

We live in a society that feels the need to not only just chastise others, or judge them but make huge misguided assumptions based on very little if at all any difference. A long time ago l remember meeting someone and they were absolutely astonished at my height and said “You sounded taller on the phone!” [l am 5’9″]

Which admittedly made me stop and wonder why? Did l speak in a tall manner, did l use longer words which made someone else think and believe l was bigger than l was? How can anyone tell the difference over the phone of someone’s height?

It makes me wonder if l am to meet other people in the future if l should tell them in advance my height just so as to stop their assumptions? “Oh hi, by the way l am five foot nine, have a nice day!”

After my diagnosis of Asperger’s l called my Mother and told her – instead of her saying ‘Oh that makes sense’, all she could say was ‘Are you sure, you don’t come across as or sound autistic? People who know you would not have said you looked autistic either darling, l don’t think so either l would have known!’

When pushed for what she thought ‘autism’ should look like – she like so many others brought up very early overly commercial images of autistic children; ‘Screaming, kicking, spinning, punching or making loud inappropriate noises in public places and added “and they are just odd aren’t they?”

Eleven years on from my diagnosis and only in the last couple of years has my Mother accepted things and acknowledged that she admittedly could see autism in my early years, but not as she had believed it to be. Constant am l in my statement to her of ‘You meet one person on the spectrum; you have met one person on the spectrum, not all of us’.

My Father on the other hand was completely indifferent to it. He didn’t deny , agree or even acknowledge my Aspergers but was amongst the first to rebuke my claims of suggestion that l believed him to also be on the same spectrum as l. He was never ‘officially diagnosed’ and wouldn’t ever even remotely consider that he could be and always shoot off the repeated defence of “If l had of been don’t you think my doctor would have said something about it? As he didn’t nor is he ever likely to, that proves that l don’t have your disease, oh yes sorry … your disorder!”

A classic behaviour of his was to try to continually prove l was stupid and had no idea about what l was talking about diagnosis or not! It was his way of insulting his son without directly insulting his son. It was insulting for this to be said ‘equally as much l should imagine if someone remarked to another about their sexuality ‘Well gosh you don’t look like that!” Which would mean what exactly? That you can tell a person’s preference just by looking at them? People therefore are further suggesting that they can pick out autism in the street just by glancing around the crowds.

My Mothers’ initial description of autism suggested that her Son could NOT be autistic based purely on the basis that he did not look like the others. Meaning that the others looked autistic in the first place? Her statement suggested that l was in her eyes ‘normal’ in comparison to those who were not normal and in so thinking this, her idle remark that l was normal in many ways caused a divide. She had separated me from others she considered autistic in the first place. When prompted to ‘Define normal‘, she simply says “Well you know, normal, normal!”

Which still leaves me none the wiser!

I have a theory as is concerning autism, and the others in so far as there are not any specific others, for everyone has autism anyway, it is purely down to varying degrees or balance if you wish – ask a Libran about balance. Some are more balanced than others! I have met a lot of people during my years both pre and post diagnosis and l am hard pushed to say hand on heart with the knowledge l have now of autism spectrum disorders that there are ‘others’ out there that don’t already have some form of ASD.

Of course there are many that would scoff at this notion equally as many who would agree, that what you are suggesting is that everybody sits under the umbrella of the spectrum is outrageous. That would mean that there were no others in the first place, and if there were no others then no one could take offence or insult to being awarded with the phrase ‘You don’t look autistic!’

When l hear it mentioned these days which is not as often as before l have to concede to not being insulted, it takes more than that to really worry me. No, all it truly does is open up the fascination department of my brain. Like a logical formula in some respects – the ‘Others, the US’s, the Thems of this world is an absorbing subject.

As autism, DOES NOT have a particular styled look to it, how can anyone tell the difference anyway?

Some have said when they have said it, that it was meant as a compliment? How can that actually be the case? Unless being ignorant is a compliment to someone’s character. That they are not specifically being negative, and l think in some cases this might be true … but still we come back to ‘How can anyone specifically define a person, just by looking at them?’

But l can easily understand why others might take some umbrage to being challenged to their autism presence and not looking the part.

They could be forgiven for thinking that those who question the authenticity of their autism may be thinking less of them for suddenly discovering that they have something that was not visible to them, and perhaps they now need to fear the hidden. When someone proposes that they didn’t see what you have, are they further implying that you are less the person they thought you were before the sudden arrival of new if not astonishing and revelational information’s, or are they as certain medias hint offering you a compliment?

It always comes back to stereotypical thinking and preconceived ideas of what people should look like ..

Autism – “I am a stamp collector!”

Society – “Oh right, ok.”

Autism – “I am an astronaut as well.”

Society – “Oh right, ok.”

Autism – “I have autism.”

Society – “Oh wow, you don’t look autistic!!”

Autism – “Right, so l look like a stamp collector and an astronaut and you challenge neither, yet l don’t look autistic , how so?”

It’s always preconceived ideas and stereotypical thinking. Society has an idea fixed in their head of what autism SHOULD look like?

It can be troublesome a thought to ponder on. My Father was always insulted if someone was to directly refer to him as autistic or Aspergic because in his eyes he was being referred to as less than ‘normal’ which is what he regarded any flaw as in the first place!

But so many diagnosed under the spectrum prefer to not even come out about their autism in the first place for they too fear the stigma attached as well as the taboo issues connected to autism. In my Father’s eyes he was better than autistic, because he was normal. In his eyes being autistic was not normal, irrelevant that his Son believed him to be under the spectrum. But my Father was NOT alone; many prefer the sanctuary of normalcy.

When l was diagnosed it was welcomed for finally l could attribute my identity properly and align it with my soul. Sure l still had many questions, but now at least l knew l wasn’t going mad as the medical professionals had hinted at for years and years!

As much as l am a dog owner and walker, or a gamer or a gardener, a writer, a poet or whatever else that formulates my identity l could finally say that l was Aspergic and proud, so it mattered not to me if someone said ‘Oh you don’t look autistic’ for l could equally answer ‘Oh you don’t look stupid!

Autism … can you tell the difference?

These posts represent my views of my Asperger’s, my autism and may not be the same as others on the spectrum.



22 thoughts on “Just Apples to Me!

  1. I admire you for your openness in writing this way. I have a nephew that is autistic although I’m not sure where he falls on the spectrum. I know his mother knows and does her best for him. I was actually the first to notice that he needed help while he stayed with me during her PT but I had no idea at that time what Autism was. So keep going, keep educating. As someone who very much loves an autistic child, I appreciate it.

    1. Thank you, l am glad it serves : and you find it helpful.

      I have always tried to write as honestly as l can about everything in my life in the hope that someone can relate and know that as large as the world is – equally it is small and that we all share at times similarities, whatever they may be.

  2. Oh for crying out loud, you sounded taller? I like the “oh you don’t look stupid’ comeback. It seems like there’s a whole lot of magical thinking going on in the world – I think it, therefore it must be so.

  3. Maybe it’s in bad taste but that conversation made me laugh! It totally mirrored conversations I had with my mum about mental health over the years. When mental awareness became ‘mainstream’ (after 15 years of my own crap) she finally conceded it was a legit diagnosis and not a ‘mood’. Glad I wasn’t the only one banging my head against a brick wall 😂😂

    1. We are talking about a woman who for years refused to use a Cd player on the premise of radiation. who attended a show, and found Rock Hudson sitting in front of her, she idolised the guy and he autographed her programme. But when she found out he had AIDS she burned the programme in case she caught it. A lot of the older generation especially struggled with many concepts. Even before my diagnosis and there were two, the Aspergers was the second, with Bipolar being the first and upon that all she said was ‘Well l always thought you had problems!”

      You just got to see the humour otherwise you would go mad!!

  4. I love your sense of humor. I don’t look like I have anything wrong with me. Who can see my high blood pressure? My myasthenia gravis? MG can cause me to talk or walk like I’m drunk. I see people sadly shake their heads. They think I’m drunk and don’t know it goes with my “disease.” To add insult to injury I was also diagnosed with Complex-Partial Epilepsy which means I can have a seizure while driving and still be able to drive but not know where I am; or while talking and still talk to you. I may say nonsense, but I won’t be aware of what I’m saying. I think the Lord got a huge laugh when he decided to allow me these problems. Fortunately, I’ve not had a seizure since 2011.
    Thank you for the follow. I’m not familiar with Aspergers Syndrome, but will look it up. You’ve given me an idea for a blog – all about what it is to be normal and how impossible it is. I look normal, but I’ve often wanted to wear a sign that says – “I’m not drunk. I have Myasthenia Gravis.”

    1. Hey Quirky – like you not knowing of Asperger’s, admittedly l was not aware of Myasthenia Gravis – l am reading about it now as l write.

      Thank you also for the follow.

      Yeah l can relate to the high above humour aspect of it all also 🙂

      Thanks for commenting here today, l look forward to more of your posts.


  5. I think your mom is try to clear herself from the responsibility of not paying enough attention to you as a kid to see the signs. That makes her statements to some degree, understandable. While your father might have a mistaken impression about this so he thought some stigma is attached to it and hence denied it altogether. You are doing a great thing by educating us all on the blogosphere. Thanks

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