Rabbit Testicles, Frog Droppings!
The second part to the ‘inappropriate behaviour’ saga.
Suze and l lived on the Isle of Wight for a year, and would have still been there had it not been for the poor quality of the maintenance on some of the rental properties which are stories or nightmares all by themselves. However in August 2015 we decided to go for a meal in a lovely little restaurant down in Appley called Three Buoys.
Suze l have to add, l feel is an absolute saint, and more so with the at times challenging behaviour l present her with, this particular episode is note worthy to this point.
You will have read before of my confusion with the so called appropriate versus inappropriate behaviour as far as society is concerned, equally as much as the times when l have drawn reference to when younger and my Mother would instruct me to not look at the disadavanatges of certain people, wheelchairs, one legged people and so on. I would like to say that as a maturer man my fascination with ‘things’ is more adult these days … alas however, there a times when the child within is still present.
I am never quite sure if it is my Aspergers that dominates this part of my brain, or just a small % of childlike curiousity that still lingers and that in essence we all have it, but many push that aspect away from them as they get older.
I still have a penchant for cartoons, albeit l don’t spend hours watching them, there are on occasion programmes l will make time for and maybe snatch five minutes viewing before more pressing matters take ahold and l must move on again, but you know there are certain ‘adults’ who have no tolerances for such things and usually add a line or two of this ethos ‘“What am l a child?“
Well we each of us, DO still possess that behavioural trait within us if we just let it out on occasion. However, l digressed.
It was to be a romantic dinner for the two of us on this hot balmy night in August, a nice meal out, a nice relaxing bit of entertainment. The Three buoys is indeed a nice restaurant, busy most of the year around so it is usually very busy with either seasonal traffic or the regulars. But the Isle of Wight in or out of season can be a lovely area whatever the time of year.
Suze in the early days of us was always weary of me, because she never knew what to expect? Was l going to be okay with crowds or not ok? if we go out for a meal now, some of my behaviours don’t change, l tend to wish to have my back to the other diners, whereas her position is looking at the diners. In 2015, l chose on this particular night to sit facing out at the restaurant so l could see all the diners, and as we were at the back of the restaurant it meant l could see ‘all’ the diners.
The waitress came and we ordered our food, and sat back and talked a bit, looked out at the beautiful views of the channel and enjoyed the ambience of the night …… or would have if it wasn’t for the sudden arrival of an expletive!
At the time of it’s arrival, l looked up, as l had been talking to Suze, so my attention wasn’t directed to the diners, and yet looking out at the sea of faces, saw nothing untoward? Had l just imagined the word FUCK? I looked at Suze and asked her had she heard it.
“Yes.” She simply answered and started talking again.
“Just yes? Someone just yells FUCK in a restaurant and all you do is answer with YES?”
“Yes, it doesn’t matter, does it?”
“Well l suppose not, it was just strange is all.”
We carried on talking, when suddenly …“FUUUUUCCKK! Rabbit Testicles!!”
I looked up and scanned the horizon of faces, a couple down the far end were indeed scanning at the same time, our eyes met, realised we were not the culprits and we continued with our scan.
Suze suddenly said “Just ignore it.”
“Ignore it? Who says Fuck, Rabbit Testicles??” I asked incredulosuly.
“Does it matter, it may just be someone with a small issue.”
“I don’t know, and l am not turning around to make it obvious darling, so just ignore it and let’s just carry on, ok?”
Which of course, is perfectly reasonable as a suggestion, but once my mind is stimulated to something unusual, l cannot simply switch off to it, so half heartedly l was talking to Suze with my left eye, whilst my right was scanning the restaurant. However after a few moments, nothing materialised and we resumed our discussion, but ..
“Fuck, wanker, frog droppings, you got hairy legs and camel tits!!” The mystery voice shouted out.
You can’t ignore that kind of comical cacophany of blustering bullyshit, who can??” So by now l started scanning the tables again, my Sherlock Holmes hat was fitted firmly in place and l was sleuthing my way visually through all the diners, the staff and the tables with the turn of phrase, slowly slowly catchda monkey spinning at 90 through my brain.
Suze interrupted my thoughts “Darling, you realise it may be someone with tourettes?”
“Oh l know that babes, but l want to know who, l will not be able to settle until l know who our eloquent swear trooper is.”
“Because l am fascinated with things like this, l always have been, don’t you find it fascinating?”
“No, not at all. Rory you are not going to make a scene out of this are you? You know get suddenly all excited or anything untoward?”
“No, of course not, l …
“Fuckitty bollocks, wanker anchor mate! Rabbit testicles, frog dropping , camel tits waynker!!” The lady on table 6 suudenly exploded.
“GOT YOU!!” I hollered, “Truly excellent!!”
It may have been at this point that nervous Suze suddenly became that funny shade of beetroot red again, and almost visibly slipped down in her seat. Table 6 stopped and looked across at me, as indeed it appeared so did everyone in the restaurant, staff and diners alike. All breath was held awaiting to see the next move. “Alrighty wanker?” Table 6 said in acknowledgement, “Your heads full of funny hair!!”
“Yes, it is, yes excellent!” I answered, the inappropriate imp now in full devilish swing.
“I have got tourettes camel shit wank wank wank!!”
“You hide it well!” I answered smiling, “Worry not, l have Asperger’s and we are supposed to be eccentric and inappropriate!”
Table 6 laughed at this heartily “Brilliant mucky chops, wank, tit fucker!”
I could hear an even stranger noise below me. Looking down l saw Suze looking absolutely mortified at this exchange of words between table 6 and our own. “Rory please stop talking, just sit down, are we going to have to leave? Leave the poor lady alone, she obviously feels uncomfortable.” She hissed in a rough whisper.
“No, she doesn’t, well l don’t feel she does, l will ask her.”
“No, no darling please don’t everyone is looking at you both!”
“So what? I am just having a conversation with table 6 about her tourettes.” I answered and then shouted across the tables to 6. “Are you bothered we are talking about this?”
“Not at all, l am used to it, as indeed you must be with your behaviour. People and society don’t get it wanker! However, your meal has arrived enjoy, nice chatting wirth you!” 6 answered and smiled.
I waved at her, sat down and looked at the meal in front of me “Thank you” l said to the waitress who had the oddest smile smirk and worried expression l have ever seen on someone’s face, and turned to find Suze glaring at me. “What?” I asked her, “What’s wrong, what have l done wrong?”
She just sighed and muttered, “I think we may need to talk about this topic of what is and what is not appropriate Rory?”
“What as in now, tonight or sometime later? It wasn’t at all inappropriate you know. The problem is that as 6 said, society and people in general don’t get it. They like to ignore these things and pretend it’s not happening, nothing wrong with it. It was just at best a strange bit of conversation. Did you see all the people listening, some were smiling and others looked remarkably uncomfortable – that’s typical society Suze!”
When 6 had finished her meal she came across and thanked me for basically talking to her, and wished us a good evening. Her husband was obviously used to it, and simply said to Suze. “It’s okay really, no offense cause, Abigail enjoyed the interaction, most people will not even look at her when she is excited let alone talk to her.”
Our meal was great, the food is really good at the Three Buoys. We never had the conversation about what is and what is not considered appropriate behaviour that night and only occasionally has the subject been raised since then. Admittedly l don’t go out that much and so am not in that kind of position anymore. But l still get the tingle if l see something not quite right when observing people, even today. Suze is now kind of battle hardened to this behaviour … well almost!
Anyway thanks for reading … but before you go, are you easily embarrased by this kind of behaviour?