I wrote this in 2012, and at my own concession this will not be to everyone’s taste. However, this was written after l reached the conclusion that the end was futile. After 26 attempts with no success, l decided that perhaps l should simply accept life and whatever was going to be thrown at me, l had two choices accept and fight for a future or accept the shit and wallow in it.
When l wrote this, l was in a dark place indeed, but my love for writing and my attempt to use my own humour to lighten up helped me enormously. It is dark poetry, some would consider it grim, but l think the biggest problem we truly have is simple – people and society don’t like to discuss such things – well wake up people – this shit is real.
The path since that day in 2012 has not been easy, it has been filled with depression and saddness, but still l have battled on. One slight incident last year and in truth had that been successful l would not be sitting here typing … but l am. I vowed last October 2017 that whatever lay ahead of me, l would tackle head on. I have been in a very positive light since then, it has NOT been easy. It can be all too easy to simply slip back into the darkness, the melancholy and let that win, but that ‘aint’ happening!
This is light hearted humour, written by me, not about others and it is NOT making light of a serious situation, but merely making light at my situation from a previous life. I can laugh at this now, because it talks of my state of mind and my life, and if l cannot laugh at my life – my successes and my errors as well as my coming to terms with journeys and understandings that combined make up my story – well who else has that right?
No one! If anything for me, this is a measure of one of my proudest moments, not the poem, just the philosophy, you would have to have had lived my life to understand that. Reaching this decision was a big step for me.
So without further ado, l give you …
There is a funny side to suicide,
That not many can see …
And that is because of their fear of vulnerability!!
Darkest Hour Choices!!
Oh bloody hell, why can it simply not be easier?
With so many choices it’s making my dark hours, cheesier!
Why not a damn button, to make the end simple?
Instead l am fretting like a kid with a pimple!
I mean how long seriously will it take me to drown?
Do l need stones in pockets, just to stay down,
And what about the sense of panic, when you are under?
Knowing my luck, it will be nothing but blunder!
I will simply bob up and down like a twit,
So l think it’s safe to say that idea is stupid and shit!
Okay perhaps l should try to suffocate?
But if l do that, will l surely not just inflate?
And at what level does one stop to hold their breath?
Is it really when you are one step past death?
So great l am going to burst my eyes and my drums,
Bollocks to that, hardly sounds like a lot of fun!
l wonder what it would take to die from the cold?
Ah that will not work, at present l think l may scold,
I mean to seriously die from the freezing,
It needs not to be summer, but at least winter teasing,
Damn think it’s safe to say, out with hypothermia,
I could wait for it to arrive, but that’s just pure insania!
Aha, got it!! Perhaps l could try electrocution!
With my clumsy history, least l would avoid prosecution!
Right so what shall it be, wiring or something more intense?
Like dancing naked on top of an electric wire fence?
Hang on, where do l find one of those here?
Damn, back to the blackboard l fear!
Jumping from a great height, a huge fall!
Smashing to the ground like a used musket ball!
What if it goes wrong, and l just break my bones?
Then all l am left with is a series of painful groans!
And besides l live in the flat lands, no heights!
Oh well another one for the smite!
There are many l feel that just will not work!,
I mean firearms in no good in case l go berserk!
Going to be hard to jump out of a plane,
And do l really want to throw myself under a train?
Should l throw myself under a car or a truck,
Oh God, not fair to the guys who have to clean that muck!
And let’s be frank, it’s out with explosion,
And not to drink for days because of dehydration!
Not my cup of tea at all, l have to say,
So there are some ideas l can throw away!
Should l die from not eating, starvation!
Or maybe go out with style in cremation?
Perhaps l should research into hanging from a loft?
Don’t be daft man! You live in a caravan, that’s just soft!
Well maybe l could find a very tall tree?
And swing over a rope, attach and just dangle free?
Again bad luck l feel would just simply kick in,
Rope would snap and l would just end up dropping!
Damn, this is just not so easy, it’s bloody hard!
Perhaps slicing my throat with a sharp edged card?
I mean grief l have seen those annoying paper cuts,
So l need to fall into a load of processed paper, that takes guts!
Unless of course l don’t land on the bloody edge!
And worse land on a ream or a huge paper wedge!
I have it, simple as l will take loads of poison,
But what’s that entail in true definition?
Pills, mushrooms, pesticides and carbons?
Gee Whiz this is just becoming a load of confusion,
But say if even that doesn’t really entice the trigger,
And l end up with parts of me missing or simply mutantly bigger?
Oh l am getting so weary and tired from all these choices!
Hardly inspirational enough to just die and rejoice!
Perhaps something more far away and easterly exotic,
Like sepuku , or perhaps suffocation from the erotic?
But hanging off the back of my door, with my bits on show,
Seems rather pointless and also sounds again rather slow!
I suppose there is always the old classic, of bleeding!
But slash wrong, and death by this is oft misleading!
And think of the problems if it goes wrong, what stress
Dealing with all the blood and the stickiness
Oh l give up looking for all these fatal ends!
Think l will go and get pissed at the pub with my friends!!
© Rory Matier 2012