Dear Blog … 11.46 – 13/03/19

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Stepping Stones,

The one thing l can’t stand is being in the grey – for those of you who are reading the book l wrote in 2015 Dancing in the Grey – you’ll know this already about me. But it is a true statement. Oh how things have changed in those 4 years, every year changes for me, and that’s not even true, every day of every week of every month of every year changes for me currently, l am constantly changing and evolving.

Some of you may recall the post l made in November of last year A Man on Pause, a mere 4 months ago now – whilst Suze was on a two week holiday in Australia to see her Daughter, Son-in Law and the Grandchildren, where upon l spoke about the difficulties in our relationship.

I am not happy today, l suppose l should be l have my pre-assessment examination today, but let’s be honest we are only having that because we decided to pay for private health care and the biggest vex is that the proceedure on the 27th is to be carried out by the same surgeon had l waited the four months waiting list. It is costing us or rather Suze a £1000 – l did tell her l could wait, now that l am on a proper pain killer, l could wait for the four months.

It’s money we can ill afford, fine sometime this year, money will start to come through from the inheritance and that will greatly received as her natural savings are all but nearly depleted, and with me not currently working – it will arrive with welcome relief – because in many ways it will mean that some firm choices can be made with regards us. It’s sad that a relationship is to be decided by monetary gain, but l do believe that is what it will come to, that will read as horrible, it’s isn’t meant, but it is factual.

I no longer believe Suze is happy with me in her life and she wants to move on with her life. Of course l could be wrong, but so many things lean towards that observation, way past post menopause. I think deep down we are both unhappy with the way things are. I have been in the grey limbo land for two years now, not knowing what is going on with us. We no longer share the same bed, that has been for three years now, we no longer share intimacies, we no longer seem to have any fun in our lives anymore. It’s not a question of not loving each other we do, and we are still friends. But from what l can gather is Suze wants me more as a companion than a partner and l am not sure how l feel about that.

But l am still in love with her, and she only loves me – it was a crashing blow two years ago today to learn that she was no longer in love with me, but just loved me.

In many ways l think she is tired of my Asperger’s and the challenge it is to live with it day in and day out in her life, l don’t blame her, many a time l feel the same way about my own disorders.

We used to be able to talk and talk for hours, but that soon disappeared, l am not the only one to blame, in many ways 2017 was an extremely rough year for both of us. As much of a challenge as Aspergers in her life, so too has the menopause been in mine. She read everything about Aspergers and said she understood me, the inner me, and yes to around 90% she does know me, but she hardly read anything up on her own menopause – l did that, l understand about all the changes a woman can experience and l have tried to be as supportive as l can, and l know as she does too that l have been. But her menopause changed her, and yes it changed her for the better, but l now believe that something l once said to her “I will only serve you as stepping stones in your life’, is coming true.

I have encouraged and motivated her to look at and into herself as l did for years, to really come to understand who and what she could be. I was so pleased to be able to be me again, and now l see l am too much me, as it is causing problems for US. Or rather, we used to be a strong unified US, now we are merely a U and a ME. Two people living in the same house that share a dog. I am hoping the money comes through soon, so if it is release she wants, she can have it, and live her life the way she wants to. I said l would pay her back every dime, she has not asked for it, but it’s only fair. I might be many things, but unfair isn’t one of them.

This is not being oh woe is me, it’s just logical thoughts and watching how she is these days, she is just unhappy and l would hate myself if it was completely down to me. What is it they say? Sometimes you have to let go of what you love the most. i think that may be us this year.

Dear Blog ……

 

8 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 11.46 – 13/03/19

  1. My heart goes out to you in your grey time. I have felt as you do, I understand. The grey for me is like a precipice where I am waiting for a decision to be made before I can either crumble and fall or stand and fight. Menopause does change us women, no doubt, but she is still the same person that fell in love with you the first time. What was it that made her do that? Do you still do it? I know that this an obvious, and maybe even rude question, but it’s also a good one. If you are in love with her, isn’t that very love you feel worth fighting for? I mean, have you tried everything you can? I would hate to see you lose someone so dear without really giving it a “pit-bull fierce” fight!

    1. Hi Cathy,

      Like you, l also have bipolar. I was diagnosed with that in 2004 and then had Asperger’s diagnosed in 2008 – two disorders many said cannot exist together which is false, l know as l have them both.

      And as you also know, the big B isn’t always easy to live with not just for others but for yourself as well. having both together is a real hardship at times. I keep myself generally motivated to keep depression out of my way.

      My partner is a lovely woman, and l adore her for who she is – l have watched her change – we started dating when she was just leaving menopause 6 years ago and entering post menopause which really struck home in 2015 and in those 4 years, she has changed from the person l first met to the woman l live with today. But so too have l. Suze balances me out very well, and l did balance her for many years too. she has always thanked me for making her see the real her.

      I am still the same person l was when she first met me, laid back and non confrontational, that hasn’t changed, l knew who l was and who l wanted to be. But in the six years we have known each other, my health has deteriorated very badly, it’s almost like l am falling to pieces. Living a hard life and burning the candle at both ends l can safely say now catches up with you as you age. Mine has caught up with me. I used to be more of a risk taker, an explorer and an adventurer and now l am not.

      We still love each other, but every couple knows the strain money pressures place on a couple, when one’s health isn’t brilliant places another strain, and of course bipolar, Aspergers and menopause places more strain upon a relationship.

      it’s not a question of not fighting for what we had or have, it’s more a realistic question that if someone is no longer happy in a situation, you can fight to make that better, but sometimes the harder you fight the more damage you do. Time will tell with us, there is onviously more to us than a mere blog post, but l am down, and l have to remind myself that l said no to depression and keep myself motivated.

      Rory.

      1. You continue to amaze me with your insight. Yes, I share the failing health thing too. I ended my first marriage after 12 years and three children for those, and many other, reasons. I see now. I have often wondered if humans are really meant to mate for life. There a precious few species that do. Perhaps we are all just stepping (or growing) stones for each other. I hope your grey lightens soon, in a very short time I have come to really love your writing and hope to read more.

  2. I feel sad for you to be in dilemma. And you are right that if she isn’t happy then she should make a decision. But it should be her decision.

  3. Your procedure is the 27th, my surgery is the 28th…a couple of “gimpy” days, huh? LOL

    I missed a LOT while I was away over last fall. I had no idea. When I rains, it pours.

    Constant pain affects everything in your life. Oh boy, does it! The depression monster hovers around waiting to pounce. It’s another constant battle.

    I hope things works out how they’re supposed to for you both soon. Brighter, happier days are definitely due. Hugs💌💌

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