Dancing in the Grey – Life with my Asperger’s
© Rory Matier 2015
Please Note this book was written in 2015.
If you are of a sensitive nature, maybe miss this chapter out – it’s not blatantly rude or even obscene but it does discuss personal sexuality. I have never held back when discussing sexuality or sensuality and my readers should know full well by now, that l am at times abruptly honest and candid in my writing, so cannot change that now. This does discuss problems that l experienced with my sexuality.
The views within these chapters are mine and may not necessarily resonate with others on the spectrum – however bear in mind the quote by Dr. Stephen Shore .. “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”
Chapter 11 – Ep 18
Hyper Sexuality Vs Hyper Sensitivity:
But back then, once l had finely tuned the method it worked very well, and if anything improved my sexual performance!
Another problem l encounted and according to my counsellor this is a known problem with many on the spectrum of autism. due to the problems of trying to keep our minds calm and focussed with the task at hand during sex due to mostly hypersensitivity issues. we can become very easily overwhelmed. With me, it was my mind, it was simply travelling way too fast – when younger this proved to be a devil, it has become marginally easier.
I seemingly had an awful amount of bad luck sexually – l loved sex – and yet it was almost like someone thought it hilarious to have a funny with me without actually letting me in on the gag!
I went from premature ejaculation [PE] in my early twenties to delayed ejaculation [DE] which began in my mid twenties and has stayed with me till my current age, which was caused once more by my mind creating way too many images and over stimulating my brain, but also unbeknownst to me, the effects of PTSD. In my early twenties this caused an awful amount of stress which then led to depression. I have never suffered from impotence but l should imagine it was the same kind of fatigue that gets men down, as l know it did me.
However, by my mid twenties and in a very dark phase indeed, l didn’t let it bother me anymore and simply used it to my advantage. Women used to think l had an incredible stamina, which in essence l did. My stamina today is still strong, but as l have aged, the whole process of not coming has become an irksome annoyance! Back then, coming was not what you wanted to do, and yet today with the woman l love, it’s something that would be fantastic and satisfying! Although the process is improving, l will never ‘medically’ be the same as other men.
In my twenties, not being able to climax or reach orgasm was not something women worried about, they were concerned about it for themselves, and if that was achieved, then yours it mattered not. You could always assist yourself in their presence and they were happy enough.
The real problem l experienced was hypersensitivity! That was a much harder one to counter balance out. Penetrative sex was more easily achieved if l could make my partner incredibly wet, that way her moistness formed almost a safety barrier for me! The other way was to always ensure l took a dominant role in sex, so l was always leading the moves. If l lost control of that, sex could very quickly become uncomfortable, stressful and painful.
I remember receiving my first ever blow job, and squirming and squealing like a stuck pig, as the sensations were so overwhelming l could not tolerate them. Another time l dated a very forwards girl who tried a hand job on me and l nearly fainted! And yet another time, another woman – again very forwards – tried cowgirl on me and l did faint! Which was back then a very awkward situation to discuss!
I have to be honest and say that at times it was never easy! Taking the dominant role was by far the easier option, so l had to really know and understand how to pleasure a woman in order for her to not take control, but rather settle back and just enjoy the experience! It was not a case of being sexist or anything like that, it was basically l loved sex, and yes l knew l was hypersexed, and probably had a problem, but with the issues l had and experienced daily, it was the only way to sate my lust and desires. Many women criticise men for not focusing on them during sex, and only thinking of themselves, l wasn’t guilty of that, so my prime focus was always on my partners.
I could basically never ever seem to sate or quench my hunger for sexual activity! I was always keeping myself busy, sometimes not sleeping for several days at a time – my energy never seemingly was able to expend itself – mentally or physically! I would work all day, grab something to eat, then hit the bar looking for talent, from there l might grab a meal out, and then hit the clubs. Sometimes l never slept in my own apartment for up to a week. It was a case of after a club, returning home with whoever, having sex and then showering, then either grabbing some breakfast, popping in to my place for fresh clothing, then basically going to work!
Sex was a way of life, and if l only had one experience a day, l started to get twitchy, restless and fidgety! The retail industry was a prime market for ‘targets’ as l used to call them! I would set my own targets for the week and try to get to that and beyond and usually did. The few times l had a relationship per se, they were relatively short lived. The sex would become drab and boring and way too routinal, with not enough spice, fetish or fantasy!
I was promiscuous for almost six years of my life, and during that reign experimented with many partners, learned much about sexual preferences. It was an incredible passion that turned into a hobby, which became an obsession that then moved into obsession territory! It only really ended once l married, as l am not a believer in adultery having seen what it did to my parents.
But you know, whilst l am not an adulterer, l do get why some are – it’s because sex is sex – one of the greatest pleasures in the world! I had travelled in those years through countless one night stands, group sex, and fetish and fantasy roles, escort services, erotic literature writing, kinky sex, casual relationships and so on. I don’t regret any of it! But having had sex with upwards of 160 women is not something you can place on your curriculum vitae! But those days ground to a halt the day l starting courting my ex wife to be. I don’t regret loving her, but l do regret marrying her!
Looking back, it was a deeply satisfying hobby, an amazing learning curve into not just who l was at the time, but also looking at how people ticked. During the height of this addiction, l found that whilst l had other more mundane hobbies, sexual activity was the main one. As l said the retail scene, the rave culture and of course when involved in nightclub promotions and fashion show marketing, there was never ever a shortage of sexual commodity to deal in. I have always been relatively open about sexuality and somewhat brutally candid, but learned that it was not the topic to discuss at social events as people who would maintain they were ‘open’ to all conversations would display their prudishness!
However despite everything l read and researched or practiced and as such as much knowledge and experience l gleaned, l was still a far cry from being the right relationship material and even further away from being remotely classed as the perfect partner! Sex has always been to me a style of living rather than just a pleasure, which is why whilst l am heterosexual in nature, homosexuality has never caused me to flutter an eyelid or stutter my voice. It matters not to me what people do as long as it is not illegal and does not affect others, then what does it matter concerning their own tastes and desires? When you are hungry, you eat to sate and quell that desire; sex is exactly the same principal. They say curiosity killed the cat – but l ask, did it? Too many people judge others for things they know very little about or have never tried for themselves. It is one thing to dig deep into matters that don’t concern you, but it is another if you are simply fascinated to know how things work?
Some of my previous partners to Suzanne have asked if with all the sexual experimentation l had when l was younger; do l find sex as an activity boring? The truth is – no, never – , l thoroughly enjoy sex as much now as l ever did. As they say the best part to sex is actually getting it! Hyper sensitivity never really went away, nor did delayed ejaculation or the overwhelming sensations, and of course that made me always aware of limitations, but l tried where possible to always glean a positive from a negative and so learned to adapt and live with it.
I was lucky in many cases when younger, the women l dated just wanted to reach orgasm for them and were not that worried about whether l did or didn’t – l know that sounds harsh, but in many cases, it was basically a fact. There were a few that tried to persevere with my ‘flaws’, and with those that were patient, miracles occurred, but they were few on the ground. Sexuality and penetrative sex was mostly the way, but with the likes of tantric sensuality, all sorts of things could be achieved!
My time with the Escort agency taught me a new level of ‘services’. Not all clients needed me past a dinner or an event, yet some did and paid for my time for a little longer, and it was during those times that tantric came into its own.
But back then, sex was way easier, there was no need for romantic inclination, if l was not buying it – via taking women out, or they were not paying me for it by buying my time, then sex was a free and reusable commodity via the nightclub scene! Back then, sex was no different to a play thing, it was like a squidgy toy, there when needed and squeezed for fun and my amusement. And it was just that, an amusement, and a fun filled theme park in flesh! With no love or affection or emotion, then it was very easy to do business with, but whilst sex will never become boring, there are times when it can become somewhat staid.
Whilst many a time sex proved to be frustrating for me when younger, it was not that it was never entirely pleasurable, just never seemed to be wholly gratifying for me anyway, l thoroughly enjoyed the skin on skin sensations when engaged in the activity itself, and for that matter still do, thankfully so does my partner. And l think it was because of my own sensitivities in certain areas that sensuality rather than sexuality became more of a focus for me, instead of what many favour as in penetrative sex, ‘wham bam, thank you maam’ style, l would prefer to explore the partners’ body more slowly and thoroughly, allowing for more foreplay. Tantric sex if l am honest was a move in the right direction for me, for this allowed for a more sensual lovemaking to occur, it was not a speedy practice, but more of a spiritual awakening kind of sex.
Softer and gentle and way more arousing, but it was the introduction of this to my life, that allowed for me to discover that l could enjoy sex without the extremely sensitive side exploding and causing me to become frustrated.
My Mother never had much time for sex according to my Father, but she was more of a romantic woman, and the love she wanted l do not believe that my Father could actually deliver, so over time and his odd behaviours [her wording] was just an put off for her. She wanted to be pleasured by her husband sadly however it was all over very quickly and this was the biggest turn off for her, so she simply stopped making herself available for him, but this happens a lot in many relationships as is.
The biggest problem with tantric sex is of course that it can be a rather long winded affair to say the very least and is not the commodity one deals with during a one night stand, so many a time it mattered not what l preferred, it was still straight forwards penetrative sex. I was simply feeding my addiction, my obsession in flesh.
In addition to the physical sex, l was also being paid to write naughty fantasy stories for a couple of the adult magazines, which l always found so humorous, here l was struggling with hard core penetrative sex due to being overly sensitive below, and writing to please others that probably may not have had any problems, but needed extra stimulation, l could not help but find it ironic.
Late twenties, and my ‘special interest’ or addictive obsession started to wane a bit, l was becoming aware that l was in fact hypersexed and that perhaps l should pull off a bit, before l burned myself out. Initially the fascination with sex began as a way of me improving not just by bedroom skill set, but also perhaps a way of boosting my confidence levels with people and maybe testing ground to see if l was ready for another relationship? In some ways whilst not immune to the activity itself, l had managed to combat some of the problems l was and had been experiencing. They were not cured, but they were easier to live with! Of course l never ever managed to fix my chatting up phobia, but l had truly mastered ‘flirting’! So on that level l had become more confident, albeit with women, many a time l wore masks so what did it matter? I was detached from emotion to quite an alarming degree!
The Sexual Obsession or The Black Phase as l class it was quite possibly the first real time l entered the dark side to the disorder, l recognise that only because l have been in there a few more times since that initial step in. It came around then due to a very bad and sad end to a relationship l was involved in at the time. The full on addictive obsession that followed with my sexuality was l thought not just a learning curve, but perhaps also a strange ritual of sorts, a cleansing and attempt to destroy demons.
Did l intend to allow sex to over take my every thought? No, not originally, but the deeper l became embroiled with it as a subject, the broader l was able to explore, and l have never been one to do things half heartedly, especially if fascinated.
However, as they say and l too have written a leopard can not change its spots, and thank the Gods above for that l say, sex is still an important part of my life, for me it is a form of emotional communication, and whilst my partner will say that l am very caring and loving, l still like to express my affections and tenderness for her during our lovemaking.
I was very lucky to have got through those years without becoming rigid or routinal in my performance or style and personally thank both the arrival and discovery of tantric sex, for it allowed me to relax during sex, and enjoy the experiences of foreplay and loving more.
Furthermore, my partner and l share a very deep and sometimes profound connection in not just our lovemaking, but our over all relationship, it comes back down to what l said many chapters ago about not only finding the right person but being with them. When partners understand each other this goes a long way into making things work, we both know about each other and in many ways because she understands my ‘Aspie’ behaviours and thinking’s better than any previous woman l had known she is able to compensate and help me to ease off any grey areas l may still encounter during the tender moments.
Additionally we do not treat sex as the be and end all of everything and we have humour during these times also, even now my mind can at times go off on a tangent, and l simply say things that might not seem relevant, for that specific ‘time’, an unusual thought to do with something, or something that my off kilter comical outlook will spot, something akin to those serious frames in love films, and you think, that is this moment but it is way too funny not to share! Sex is supposed to be fun, entertaining and a leisure pursuit after all, l think too many people look upon this as taboo, l don’t … more importantly neither does she. We are an ‘us’ a term you will see a lot of in the chapters and as such we both believe that we are whole again, for me, finally l can say l am fitting in, and have a sense of belonging, not so much to society for that matters not, but more importantly for me, but also for her.
Today l still struggle with sensitivity issues, but two years on from us as a couple and now l can say that this little demon of a problem is not as hellish as it once was. In an understanding, loving and caring relationship where communication is key these can be ironed out very smoothly.
Of course sex is not just about the physical act itself, but is also about intimacy and closeness, trust, understanding and affections to do with loving someone. I found previously and even in my marriage that intimacy was hard for me, l think in truth because my ex wife after a while became disinterested in my quirky behaviour and of course she like l did not know of Asperger’s Syndrome let alone that her husband had it. I am none too sure if that would have made the slightest iota of difference, sex for her was straight forwards, she had no patience nor tolerance for sensuality or even for the likes of tantric sex which she firmly believed was only about stamina, and her partner helping her to achieve her own gratifications when it came to orgasm.
In years gone by l had found that it was extremely hard for me to manage the inner emotional side to the loving relationship, for l seemingly was always dancing in the grey to the black and white world l loved. As hard as l would try to combat this emotion, the harder things became and in the end sex was simply performed almost robotically, comically in a sense.
My wife would often say that l never ‘cuddled’ after sex and yes l can see why she would think that, it was obvious, l did not feel like cuddling her for in my eyes it was always her own feelings she wanted addressed and quite frankly l was starting to tire of her selfish behaviour. I used to think and say that l was not a cuddle person, and in some respects this was true, l do have to be in the right mood for cuddling, but the right mood for me is quite simple, l have to be relaxed and not tense. After sex with my ex wife l was hardly ever relaxed and so was not in the mood to cuddle.
Many a time l would still have a great deal of energy, hardly surprising, nothing had been spent so to speak, insomnia was also a constant issue during these times and l would become restless and have to get up again, leaving the sleeping form of my ex wife in bed. Many men l have read fall asleep after sex, l sadly was not one of them, instead of relaxed l was stressed, and sleep simply evaded me, so l would go downstairs and either watch a late night film or use the computer until mentally l was shattered, then l would go to bed.
I am a very lucky man these days, the problems of before are not as keen as they once were, l still have sometimes a very busy mind, l do not think that will ever go away, but slowly and surely as our relationship comes into fruition as an Us, all manner of obstacles can be overcome. These days l always cuddle and l stay in bed because l like to cuddle and enjoy the closeness of her next to me, l also sleep better although l can be somewhat annoying with snoring!
My Mother would say that my Father was clueless when it came to intimacy, he did not know what it meant, to him sex was straight forwards and he would take his pleasure and then roll over and go to sleep. During my own marriage l had problems understanding the term, l thought l knew what it meant, and now with my current partner l know that back then l did understand it correctly, except my ex wife only wanted it when she needed the comfort but had no time for it otherwise. But l do believe that the main issue with this is that as much as l loved her, we were not close to begin with, we did not share a connection nor did we have a sense of belonging. This l will cover in a later chapter, but we married not for the right reasons.
When my partner and l first started talking about our relationships from the past and the flaws we had both encountered in them, l did indeed paint her a very dark picture of myself, l used the colours to describe what l believed were my downsides, quirkiness and odd behaviour and l had done so only because l believed that this is who l was. My confidence had been knocked for six from both my marriage and the relationship afterwards, and the pictures that those two women had of me had left an indelible mark imprinted on my mind.
I can accept that when married my ex wife and l did not know of Aspergers, the relationship afterwards was during my diagnosis, but the relationship of today is both with the diagnosis as well as my acceptance, but more importantly my partner knows the true me, l no longer wear masks and have come to learn that the man from before is a much better person with the knowledge that l now have.
Today l am very much in love with my partner Suzanne, she is a mature and lovely woman, we enjoy the openness that we share as a couple as well as an intimate and fulfilling sexual relationship that is fed by truth, trust, communication, understanding and acceptance, and realising that in order for ‘us’ to both flourish we need to work at everything, day to day, week on week and month on month and never fall victim to the routine of what we have. To not take each other or our emotions for granted.
And this works for me.
Islands of Illusion
The island of lost gardens allow me to float into memory,
Blinking within moments of pleasurable times from afore,
Hinting of forgotten goddesses’ caught in times’ history,
Like frozen statues carelessly whispering on my shores,
Watching spider less webs caressing pillars like restless chiffon,
And scattered shells rhythmically pulsating their wares,
Caught up am l, in hypnotic and alluringly sultry imaginations,
Remembering forbidden fruits and misty sunset snares,
Of surrealistic silks brushing against aroused rosebuds,
And mirrors of the lacy hourglass languishing through hazy nights,
Curvaceous reefs of coral brightest in the suns’ dying bloods,
And ravishing bodies entwined in magical heavenly spice,
Yet, sitting within my gardens of ancient time and memories,
Thinking of yesterdays’ vibrant and rustling silkiness,
I ask myself what l miss most of the plundered treasuries,
And were there any forgotten jewels of fluorescence,
Was it the smiles of pearled grace, or the sexy alluring voices?
Or the way the breezes would catch upon their hair on a windy day,
Would it be pleasures like these that would command my choices?
Or simply more down to earth romantic orientated plays,
Should l choose to foolishly think of blossoming loves?
And be transfixed upon the petals of floating affairs,
Caught up in clouded and cynical refuges of the white doves,
When in reality, these visions end in tears,
Am l to soil my memories by recalling monsters that dwell,
Deep within the archived vaults of forgotten times,
Souls that cherished nothing more than to create merry hell,
When love had vanished and they became so unkind,
Or do l journey into horizons closer to shore,
Allowing shallower reality to present my jeweled choice,
From all the women l have adored, loved and more,
But for peace of mind choose not to hear their voice,
Nay, l do not miss yearning souls, nor unashamed blushing hearts,
These days as back afore l am more easily impressed,
Aroused and hypnotically allured by the finer and unforgotten art,
Of what all men refer to as a ‘glimpse of breast‘,
At times just the merest hint and suggestiveness of their presence,
Is enough to send my mind racing through erotic frenzies,
For downward or sideward glances of ample cleavage is a beguiling pleasance,
And beautiful pairs will always hear me address them as your ‘excellencies’,
Be they gently swaying teasingly behind loose and silken chiffon sheers,
Or held taut and pert in lacy and revealing lingerie,
With others confined controversially in corsets looking austere,
Their voluptuous and bodacious presence is undoubtedly risqué,
Just sitting here, mentally like a rabbit caught in the approaching beam,
Thinking lazily on how these magnificent beauties can be contained,
Behind Wonder bras, playful hands and of course whipped cream,
……….. Leaves me somewhat tingly and somewhat strained!
Walked have l before, amongst flora’s in the gardens of Eden,
Enjoying the scent and aromas’ of perfumed roses,
Sampling and tasting the delights of all the fruits eaten,
Whilst teasing the promises of sensually arranged posies,
Traced amorously outlines of beautifully soft silhouettes,
Under apprehensive and nervous fingertips,
The nakedness of their treasured passions with no regrets,
Before consuming their gentleness with hungry moistened lips,
And lost in thought, within my islands of time,
Do l recollect the softness and provocative of each swell,
Remembering with clarity their warmth of a balmy night time,
And how they would mesmerize me under their seductive spell,
Venturing excitedly over such sweetly curved mounds,
Of rosy coloured cream flesh with aroused peaks,
Tantalizingly offering ripened fruits that can still astound,
The seasoned veteran with an array of techniques.
Suggesting alone to the ravenous heart, unbridled nightly pleasures,
And reminding us of feminine pastures that require seeding,
Romantically demanding our undivided attention in sexual leisure,
Whilst visually stimulating our minds towards fertile feasting,
Breast relishing is truly an erotically fascinating experience,
For beginner, novice and more hardened appetites,
But still, the briefest of glimpses is no less mysterious,
And will continue to wither all prisoners’ of this age old delight!
© Rory Matier 2015
Chapter 12 – Ep 19 – Soon