Barking Mad Minis – Broken N 2! 2002



Barking Mad Minis – Broken N 2! 2002

I was married for 14 years and l divorced my wife and everything was final in 2008. We were both free of each other and our foibles, although if you were to talk to her, you would probably find that she considered herself normal in comparison to her once way too quirky husband.

She wanted to go for a seven year separation or whatever it was in 2005, when l asked to have broadband supplied to the house, but we ‘made up’, however by 2007 she had had enough of my odd ways and wanted to be done and dusted of me.

Marriage between certain people, simply isn’t meant to be. Of course, l did love her once and l am not going to hammer her head to the ground now, the fact is we simply didn’t work out, we were like chalk and cheese and should never have married in the first place, but she and l would not be the first couple to get hitched for the wrong reasons and we certainly will not be the last.

Problem is, neither of us knew of my Asperger’s when we were married, and although l received my diagnosis in the year l was eventually divorced l never told her, it would not have made the slightest bit of difference. She had already decided after our third year together that l was ‘mentally unstable’ and in her own words tolerated me for the next eleven years. In the same year she decided her hubby was an odd ball, she decided to start having affairs, which she gleefully told me towards the end of our extremely acrimonious divorce.

Meh, life sucks and then you marry and l sadly did. But l happily ended the misery for both parties and now some ten years on, l am happier for it. She has kids now and she is happy and l am pleased for her.

Why have l brought this diatribe up? Perfectly good question, well it was during her first attempt to divorce me that she brought up to her solicitor examples of my ‘odd behaviour’, and this particular tale was brought into the affray! So here we go … l still maintain to this day it was a simple gramatical misunderstanding that could have happened to anyone or in the very least any other undiagnosed and unawares Aspie!

Barking Mad Minis – Broken N 2! 2002

October 23rd 2002 was a Wednesday, l was at home having finished early with the animals and was working on some relatively heavy administration to do with genetics on the gerbils, and the ‘wife’ was still at work, she was due to finish at 5. It was cold outside, l had not long finished walking the dogs and was settling down to a coffee. The phone rang l guess perhaps at around 5.30, and as l answered all l heard was this wretched and wracked sobbing on the other end?

“Hello??” I answered.

“”Sob”, “Sniff”, “Cry sob sob, sniff sob, sob!” Was the answer l received.

“Hello, can l help you, are you alright, who is this?”

“Barking Mad’s been broken n 2!” It was the wife amidst all the crying.


“Sob, sob, the car’s sniff sob sob cry been sob sob sniff cry broken sob sob n  sob sob 2!”

“Vicky? Is that you?”

“Well of course it is, who else would it be?”

“Just asking, why are you crying??”

“The cars been broken n 2!!! Are you deaf??”

“No, not all all, l think l am just astonished, how did this happen?”

“Well it just did, l need you to call dad, and get him to help me!”

“Should you not be calling a repair vehicle or something?”

“Call my bloody dad, stop being so awkward!”

“I am not being awkward, l just don’t understand how the car could have been broken n 2?”

“Well it happens, are you laughing??”

“No, l am not laughing, am just l guess in a bit of shock, that something this terrible could happen, and no one could have seen it?”

Barking Mad, was her pride and joy, it was a dainty little mini that she had been given by her Father for her 18th, and she cared for it more than anything else in the world, so l could understand how devastating it must be to have had her car broken n 2! I mean, how could that even have happened and no one saw it? I wasn’t laughing, but l mean there was some humour to the whole thing, to have a car broken n 2, was not an everyday occurance afterall.

“You are in shock? It’s my bloody car and l am in pieces about it.”

“So like your car then?” I added.

“WHAT??” She yelled into the phone.

“Your car, is in pieces just like you.”

Well the line of expletives that followed, l will not repeat, but it is safe to say that she did not find this observation in the slightest bit funny!

“So, you do find this funny do you, God l hate you, at this present time l seriously hate you! Did you have something to do with this?”

“Don’t be absurd, how on earth could l break a car into 2 halves?”

There was this very long painful pause, “What did you just say?”

“I asked you how you thought it was even remotely possible that your husband could break a car into 2?”

Once more the long pause, bit like a volcano awaiting to erupt, which it did, and with a strong flow of venom! “Not in fucking two you muppet, the car has been broken into!”


“Oh, oh, ooh right, so the car is actually still in one piece? Right, got you, you can see, how l could have misunderstood tha…….” That’s when the phone went dead.She never forgave me for that sleight.

So years later, to have thrown that into her ‘acts of bad behaviour’ as a reason for divorce l still find a little bit much. As a mistake that could have happened to anyone ………… right?



19 thoughts on “Barking Mad Minis – Broken N 2! 2002

  1. At first I was a little lost by your use of the #2. You are very meticulous in your writing and I thought it odd. Than I got to the end and had a good chuckle as I realized you thought the car had been broken in 2. I am still trying to figure out how your mind made that leap but it was awesome. And I have to tell you, I would have been laughing once my initial shock was over and done with. 🙂

    1. It was actually the way she said it Jay-lyn, she was crying when she initially spoke and l couldn’t hear her properly, so misunderstood her completely and was trying fathom out how on earth a car could be physically broken in 2.

        1. Yeah, her exact words were ‘sniff sob sob the car’s sniff sob been sob, broken insob sob cry 2.


          That”s all l heard and l was like OMGod!!!!

    1. Yes indeed, that is exactly what it was. But at least she still had her car Barking Mad in one piece. She never ever saw the funny side to it.

  2. I get all that, but I still don’t understand why she’d call you to call her dad instead of any of these things:
    1. Call her dad herself.
    2. Call the cops herself.
    3. Ask you to call cops.


    1. Oh she was completely wierd as it was – l never understood why l was the first port of call? i am the most unpractical man going, what could l do? In additionally l was 25 miles away and a non driver, maybe she was looking for comfort? She realised pretty soon, it was a bad call.

  3. It was a garbled message and you can be excused to think what you thought. Though it does sound funny if you think about it later! 🤣

        1. I know, it’s what l would have said – am l am supposed to be quirky an all, but it’s exactly what l would have said and most other people 🙂

  4. I can see how, with all the bizarre things you’ve experienced, your first interpretation would be “in two” rather than “into”.
    Foul play on her part, bringing that as an example.
    Another great story! Thanks for the chuckles.

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