I Tea Treed My Eye!
How you ask?? Fair enough, read on!
I am none too sure why, l guess it’s a genetical somersault, but l am balding and faster than my Father ever did. Mind you l am balding like his Father, my Grandfather, it is somewhat irksome. Not said in a vanity driven way, just l am still quite astonished why l am balding in my mid fifties to the level that l am? Of course balding for some men is a natural phenomena it happens, just like Socrates said – Shit happens. But it doesn’t stop Suze with her soft as silk fop from spreading the humour with regards my disappearing mop!
The water here this far east in Kent on the coast is laden with chalk and if you suffer from sensitive skin as l do it makes for an unpleasant time – as it dries out the skin more and encourages a form of eczema with me, most notably on my neck, back, legs and arms, but also now on my balding pate!
Suze says l don’t help the situation because l cannot tolerate cold showers or even remotely tepid showers, especially when the weather is cold and the bathroom window is open. The rental we have is an old house and doesn’t have proper ventilation like some of the newer properties and so the window has to be open in the bathroom, which makes my naked form cold when showering so l have to have the water hotter which in turns also feeds the eczema and its search for drying skin out!
So now l must use a host of lotions and potions and creams and other such preens to make my skin more softer and less sensitive. I add mositure to my skin which deters the eczema, but then l go and have a hot shower and we are back to square one!
I have this patch on my pate which is annoying the crap out of me. My head hair there is not too far removed from that of a baby bird not long out of the egg, it’s a sort of soft useless fuzz that allows me to defend my balding area by saying ‘But l still have hair there so l am not yet bald!” But the truth is there is very little hair there at all, it is mostly visible skin with some kind of bum bluff on it! My belly button produces more fluff or lint if you prefer that my head does. I don’t get it myself??
I am quite a hairy chap, and all my other hair still replensihes itself, l mean l have to shave every couple of days and if left for a week, l have a beard. My eyebrows grow back, as do my lashes and the hair elsewhere. But not on my head! Mind you, for some very bizarre reason l also have naked legs! Below my knee, no hair ever grows there – never has. I am like a sparrow with bendy and hairless chicken legs!
Another quirk l have is my eyebrows – they are bushy and overgrown, and l have to keep attending to them, they are never short of hair naturally, but artificially that is another story altogether! You see, l have this annoying foible of when l am in deep thought, l pluck my right eyebrow without knowing, until suddenly l become aware of that and then panic stricken run to the bathroom to look into the mirror and low and behold l have a naked right eyebrow! Well not naked, but quite unnaturally and odd looking, like l am setting a new trend – hair-bald-hair-bald-hair!
“Fucksake Matier you absolute Muppet!!” l scream in anger at myself and then l quickly hurry over to Suze’s drawers and retrieve her makeup bag and attend to my eyebrow with her eyeliner pencil. I am quite gifted and skilled with that little darling now, l even use the brush at the end of the pancil and shade it all in.
This week however, there was a further incident with the eyebrow. I have been busy doing stuff Deep Blog – sounds like a sci-fi movie doesn’t it? Deep Blog 9 or in the Deep Blog they can never hear you write, never mind scream, or even Deep Blog 9 Scream Deep! But l was working on things as l do, tweaking, twitching and otherwise letting my OCD goof around down there! So l was in deep pondercations!
BUT, so deep was my thought process that l did more new damage to my recently grown back right eyebrow! So mortified was l that l grabbed a pair of scissors and whilst standing in front of the mirror l attended to my left, but sneezed at the same time and so now l have two seriously injured eyebrows!
My Right when not eyelined is hair-bald-hair-bald-hair!, whilst my Left when not eyelined is more like hair-baldbaldbaldbald-hair!!! Not that you would see it if l was standing beside you because of my remarkable eyeliner skills! Trust me, it isn’t easy being me – it’s a fucking art!
Last night l had a bigger problem, showing all clumsy antics up l reckon, this club or cult many of us address in comment is fast becoming a bloody reality and fast. I was sitting here typing and scratched my head where this red patch of dry skin is, and thought no, l should put something on it. So INSTEAD of doing the logical thing of getting some cream on it or even the aloe gel in the bathroom. I saw the tea tree oil in bottle on my desk and picked that up and tipped it onto the effected area. Now this bottle has a stopper, but it still comes out at a fair speed especially if shaken and this is where my problems seriously began!
The oil dribbled onto my fuzzy hair patch, but because l have very little hair to stem the flow, it rolled at top speed down my head and finding no natural barrier in my left eyebrow because of the hair-baldbaldbaldbald-hair simply ran through that, down behind my glasses and smashed headlong like a miniature tsunami into my left eye!
As the oil has a burning property it started to burn my eyeball and l was suddenly in a lot of pain, l got up too quickly and banged my right knee on the underside of the desk, walked forwards and tripped over the sleeping form of Scrappy and fell forwards and naturally put my right hand out and collapsed onto that therefore causing me to scream in agony as my injured shoulder reacted, and l got up with my left hand l then grabbed my left eye and rubbed the damn eyeliner colour into my left eye, with my right hand l pulled open the door to the office and being naturally unbalanced slammed the edge of the door into my head and nose. I stumbled into the bathroom now totally not happy and had to bathe my eye!
So this morning, my left eye has some kind of degree burn in there and around my eye and eyelid and keeps weeping!
And that is how l tea treed my eye!