Dancing in the Grey – Life with my Asperger’s
© Rory Matier 2015
Please Note this book was written in 2015.
The views within these chapters are mine and may not necessarily resonate with others on the spectrum – however bear in mind the quote by Dr. Stephen Shore .. “If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”
Chapter 9 – Ep 13
Anyone for Monotony?
“The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes”.
As a child l loved board games, mostly Monopoly and Scrabble – the former because l loved the concept of owning property and becoming a millionaire, so winning was imperative. The latter because l truly loved words, and this game enabled me to exercise and explore the knowledge in my mind, to this day l still enjoy those two games. The one thing however l have never been able to truly master and l do continually struggle with it is monotony. Repetition, established routines, set patterns and extended continuance l could always handle, but not boredom!
For if l became bored, it was like time stood still for me, and did so until l could effectively fill the void, it is many ways ironic that to have a mind that moves so very fast, for it to stop suddenly and feel lost, like it is caught up in a deathly limbo of the unknown. When l was younger l genuinely feared those moments when it felt like my brain stopped of sorts, it fumbled, it fell and gravity was missing from beneath my feet until they found firm footing again!
These times were to be avoided at all costs or l had to face the perilous consequences of empty mundanity! I had to learn new strategies in order to halt the advance of this creeping tedium. At my age today, l am much better at developing new tactics or methods to cope with what l class as empty space, but whilst l no longer run around like a headless chicken, l still have to tread carefully. For me to preserve my balance l need to keep my busy mind occupied and at all times with hobbies, past times and special interests. This is sometimes easier said than actually achieved it has to be said, but luckily my equilibrium is a matured one these days unlike that of when l was a boy.
In Tony Attwood’s book ‘The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome’ under the chapter entitled ‘Special interests’ it explained about focus and intensity, words that l am not unfamiliar with as that is how l approach anything in regards filling my time effectively.
As a child if boredom did strike and l stupidly informed my parents l was met with the responses ‘use your imagination more creatively’, ‘everyone gets bored from time to time what makes you any different?’ All fair comments in truth, however it did not help with the sense of hopelessness or nervous restlessness that started to overwhelm me, l felt panicked, even back then l distinctly remember the headaches that l started to get as stress crept in as l so desperately tried to find something to feed my greedy brain.
I think the biggest problems back then that l experienced was that l was not Mr. Social, so whilst l had friends they were usually spending time with their families especially on the weekends, where as my Father was off playing cricket or football, or occupying his own time with his own hobbies, my Mother was very much the same. My Sister had her own circle of friends, and l was not looking for companionship as such – well not from people – just something to fill that dreaded void. Usually it was because l was between books or out of books, television was not something l was allowed to watch during the day, soldiers was a really great escape, but because my table top sandbox was in the garage and that meant on sunny days l would be tucked away in there that was unacceptable to my Mother who insisted l play with my friends – it was a nasty catch 22!
The times of particular stress and hardship were my pre-teen years when we lived in Australia and Malaysia, l returned to the UK when l was fourteen. I struggled with a lot during those years, especially occupying my time when not at school. I could when in Australia go down to the park at the bottom of the street, but since my clumsiness made me a walking accident, l was not always allowed to go by myself. The beach was literally only a mile down the road and again l was not permitted to visit that, so it restricted me quite a lot.
I had to make up games in my head, l did not have an imaginary friend like my Sister, l did however talk to myself a lot and answered back, which disturbed my parents and apparently my Father more than if l had, had an imaginary friend!?
Because of my love for reading, l was classed as a book worm by my Father, which l found highly amusing and somewhat confusing considering the amount of books he owned and constantly read? He wanted me to mix with the other children, but l always felt so uncomfortable, but l did as he bade. But then if l got bullied as was often the case, l was again rewarded with punishment from him because l was too soft and should fight back! If l fought back l usually lost, and not just a little but returned home bloodied and torn which then in turn caused my Mother to kick off because then l was being tardy with my clothing! It was in truth a no win situation, so l read and enjoyed quiet time on my own creating different fantasy worlds or playing soldiers on my own.
I think in truth that what actually happened was that l simply did not have enough quality things to do with my time, always on my own, with parents that had more important things to do with their time than to spend time with me in addition. The life of a loner is not that hard, it just becomes much easier when you accept it, and so in turn l learned that l would spend much of my time on my own.
From those young days of mine, l became deeply associated and acquainted with life long buddies, ‘method, repetition, patterns and time use’, addiction and obsession were soon to join my merry band of followers and soon, established routines would emerge to compliment the group. We stuck together like glue; we relied upon each other to ensure and continue to ensure that my mind stayed in one piece, at the same pace and did not slow down.
In 2004, l discovered the world of online gaming, after some ten years of PC games which were becoming somewhat tedious l needed some more challenge in my leisure pursuits. I was at the time not far out of my diagnosis of the disorder, and constantly occupied with my business, but insomnia was raining on my parade and l needed something to calm down with. I was told by a friend that the game she was thinking of was addictive!
She was not wrong!
But l needed an obsession, something in which l could truly sink my teeth into. World of Warcraft turned out to be quite a big chew, and l only finally quit its hold on me in February of this year , eleven years l played one genre and it served me very well indeed. For it got me through some seriously tough times, and allowed me to escape reality with its fantasy! It travelled with me through my years in the caravan, and at times was my only sanity, next to the two dogs, who l swear with all the walking they got to alleviate further boredoms must have become a good two inches shorter!
My hobbies of today are a far cry from the many l had in previous years, although l do not specifically hold a main special interest at present but l am working on that and hoping that the writing will take its place in my long list of achievements. I collect DVD’s and have been an avid keeper for around 8 years, and have nearly 800 in my archives.
The hobby there is not simply buying, watching and collecting the films as that is the easy part, but more a case of building up collections within the collections – such as actor bases and ensuring l have all the films of certain actors – to categorizing alphabetically all said actors in a data base on my computer, but also memorizing all the relevant data to my collections. So lead actors, supporting roles and B leads. It allows my mind to constantly absorb data and can relax me when searching for more information. From here, l can then commence patterns and chain reactions of data that leads into other data collection. That may already sound a huge concern, but that is just a hobby and not a special interest which can confuse some people.
I have taken up photography quite recently and am enjoying that also. I do not take the usual ‘shot’s of people but of things or ‘moments in time’, but l do take a lot of Scrappy as she too has changed enormously like her Dad! It is a good hobby and l am enjoying it. PC Gaming is back in my life, but is proving a little awkward as l am trying to find a game that feeds my need for number crunching.
I enjoy walking, but can not just walk for the sake of walking. If l am walking from A – B for a purpose l enjoy that, l thoroughly enjoy the walks with Scrappy and Suzanne though. But l need something more solid in my life again, and have started looking at a new business venture, as l have always classed working as a hobby. I just have to keep myself busy, and for me now, today and onwards l see that l must have a mental special interest more so than just a simple practical hobby.
Luckily, currently l am able to keep my mind active, with reading, writing, number crunching and data research with the odd gaming experience thrown in for good measure, but the stirrings of boredom are not that far ahead of me, so again l must tread carefully. I think as l have gotten older and more so become very aware of how Aspergers manifests itself in my day to day thinking, l am feeding it relatively successfully. My mind still travels at the usual 100 miles per hour, but now l am able to wear a safety belt and apply the right brakes to maintain a normal pace and so keep the B word out of my life. But it has not always been an easy task.
It is suggested that boredom is a psychological emotion, when people who without any activity or occupation to stimulate their minds or activate any interest in their surroundings become bored, where as the term to bore, means when a person is seen by others as tiresome, dull, tedious and unstimulating to the appearance of another’s mind., all of which in times gone some people referred to me as!
To mentally respond to a challenge to which you are skilled to receive is my best interpretation.
I can remain focused with a certain amount of fixed rigidity on certain subjects or fascinations for years. World of Warcraft sated my desires for stimulation for years and continued to sate it even after l thought l was completely satisfied. But in truth at that point, it had become a bad routine of habit. It was a game that was played by NT and Aspie alike, a true geek game for many, an established pattern for others for it had a way of feeding many differing personalities.
For me it fueled my need and desire for information and numbers, it allowed my mind to perfect memory and data collecting. I was able to use the games’ structure to train my brain to perform a multitude of tasks with a guaranteed stimulation. I learned the game inside out, but took my acquisition of knowledge further and was soon able to look inside the game and spot patterns in the way that players’ gamed, and how their own personal style of gaming could influence my abilities to make gold in game.
Because of my absolute love of repetition, l was able to carry out certain functions for hours upon hours that most players had no tolerance for. I could perform certain grinding tasks for literally five plus hours on the trot, where as most would have given up through boredom after ninety minutes!
The game for me was an incredible delight for my active mind, it continually moved forwards and l moved with it, but absorbed everything as l progressed, where as most players simply learn and remember what they need and move on quickly. I was not any slower, if anything, because l remembered with a detailed clarity everything, it made me faster, l did not have to ask anyone for advice, or Google search anything, it was all there in my mind ready for instant access. I had access to market prices mentally remembered from sometimes as far back as fifteen months so l could advise easily anyone who needed information fast, l knew maps of the regions without looking at the map, l could remember every single node that could be farmed from every single map in the game, further more l knew how often they were farmed and how quickly they respawned after they had been farmed. Even to me, that was a phenomenal memory, but only backed up what Tony Attwood had said about ‘special interests’ …’focus and intensity’.
And with regards Tony Attwood’s wording of Special Interest’ it took me a very long time to come to terms with that phrase, l believed it to be a little insultive at first. It was Suzanne who managed to make me understand that in fact my whole life was made up of Special Interests and hobbies. That l had always had many hobbies and past times, but l always had a very keen Special interest during those times, and what l had become confused with was that he was ‘not’ saying l only ever had one interest, but l had a very intensified interest on the go amidst the ‘many other’ activities ongoing, and of course this was very true. In fact, it was many a time the intensification or obsession of those interests that moulded me into who l am today, and not so much the many hobbies. I had simply taken the word’ special’ too literally!
Facts, figures, words and numbers again can hold me spellbound as l can see patterns, routines, anomalies and work them to whatever l wish or want to. Understanding how these patterns worked in the likes of the game mentioned already l was further able to explore how the loot table worked and how drop rates could be forecast and so on, l can’t always explain it, but many a time predictions for certain things became rather spooky when verified. I do not believe for one moment l stand alone in these attributes, for of the few fellow Aspergians l have met all seem to share a creepy similarity to my abilities also, perhaps not exactly the same, as none of us are exactly the same as is, but it is there. I can have many hobbies, but usually only have one main special interest which l am loyal to religiously. I have learned from fellow Aspergians l have met during my travels that they too work the same way.
I was a cub for many years when young and from this ambitiously climbed the ladder to achieve scout and venture scout status, and these days were good for the likes of exciting trips, jamborees and mountainous treks with hillside camps, most of this life was spent in Australia and by the time l did become a venture scout l was in the UK and the activity was waning for me.
Whilst never a particular active sporty freak geek, l have pursued in my time archery, baseball, canoeing, horse riding, badminton and a once beloved hockey much to my Fathers dismay as he was very much into cricket and English football, which l never achieved a liking for and still do not to this day, but neither will you catch me sitting cross legged watching any channels dedicated to sports now as it all seems rather trite and mundane to me.
Horse riding ended when my marriage ended, as it was in truth my ex wife’s passion and whilst l enjoyed it, l can not deny that it was at times a horribly dangerous sport for someone who was prone to bouts of clumsiness! I did spend some time working with horses and ponies on the ground a few years ago as a stable hand and that was in truth way more enjoyable than in the saddle! My last business which l ran for nearly twenty years was all about animals, notably the fur covered ones, as that was my field of specialty and not the other types like reptiles, avian or aquatic so working with the equine industry was in truth just another feather to add to my cap.
Ever since learning to read, l have read books, and adore reading, exercising and stretching my mind into the world l am entering, it was here that my love for writing first emerged as l could create my own escape worlds. I am often surprised by how very few people actually read these days quoting it as a ‘boring’ way of spending time but each to their own l guess.
In my teen’s l collected books on my specialised genre which was the paranormal and the occult, the supernatural and fantasy. Even back then l had to have these catalogued specifically and became quite upset if anyone tampered with the way they were shelved. Back then l had special A4 pads that were very carefully laid out with columns so that l could store all the titles, the author and publication date, where the book was in terms of which shelf, for this too could not escape my attention for detail and of some 8 x fifteen foot long shelves which adorned one wall, l would have small labels ranging from A-Z to ensure that a book never failed to be found.
There were times when l had so many hobbies ongoing it was very hard to keep up with them all, as a youngster my mind was constantly whirring – l recall with a certain relish my days in Malaysia when l would group with the lads from the local Kampongs and hunt [yes hunt] butterflies which were absolutely enormous, and they would then pin them and sell them to the tourists, or the times l played in the monny drains and was in awe of the myriad of colourful life forms there, from frogs to fish and from snakes to other crawlies!
My memories of very early passions are somewhat dim and distant, but apparently I was quite the bug collector according to my Mother. As young as four years of age, l was already displaying an unhealthy interest in zoology in Australia. I became absolutely fascinated with the infamous and deadly red back spider and the notorious funnel web spiders which l would collect with ice cream sticks and promptly drop into jars and store them in the refrigerator to share my daily gatherings with my parents! Whilst many years on, l was no longer found in the harvesting of arachnids, however l still have a fondness for spiders and will happily sneak a look under boards or planks on the ground, or look at cobwebs and involuntarily shudder at the huge beasties that emerge to look back!
During the time spent in the caravan it was not uncommon for me to share my living space with a host of eight legged creatures who showed no remorse whatsoever in showing up at thrilling times for them, but an emotion not always shared by me such as when on the loo or ‘dropping’ literally into coffee times! Additionally many years on, l was asked to undertake a consignment of understanding the overall availability of tarantula species that were looking to be imported into the United Kingdom from cobwebs afar, which was again an awesome task to have on board, and one that the child in me set about earnestly and l can assure the reader that there are many incredible species out there in our planet.
The interest in creepies and crawlies, was not just a youngsters fascination for it stemmed long into my teenager years, until l eventually outgrew it as l have a tendency to do with most of my obsessions. But it did on more than a few occasions give rise to some interesting discussions with my parents as to why l had a small and yet highly active mini zoo environment under my bed. It was more than once l have to concede that l would forget to feed this collection of spiders, caterpillars and other bugs, not forgetting the ant farms, and this would result in either major escapes or sadly horrible deaths, with the latter resulting in the scent of decomposition gradually leaking out of my uncannily tidy room, and entering my Mothers’ breathing space. Which upon her closer investigation would she discover the gruesome remains of my insect museum!
The bugs looking back were not so much an obsession but more of an interest of how things worked or sadly for them, how they died, or morphed in the case of the caterpillars! But l think every child had this kind of interest at one point or another, perhaps not to the same extent, but as l am only me, how would l know what other children hid under their beds at that age, it was not like l was actively involved socially even then!
From around eight years of age l developed a passion for all things military, and was no different to many youngsters of my age back then before ‘toy soldiers’ were considered not correct or whatever other political hoo-ha that is attached to them these days and this lasted until l was in my late teens, but by this time l had graduated from the mere amassing of several armies all on one battle top to specific eras such as Napoleonic. But at that time, it was not simply a case of war gaming, but of books on military, posters and drawings and framed pieces but also weaponry like Zulu spears and shields to strange looking swords which were more readily available in the 80’s than they are now. If not Napoleonic then it was other nations such as the Samurai which even today l still have a hankering for oriental and eastern colours and culture.
As l have already written l had a morbid fascination with the genre of horror and all other untold spookiness and from this further stemmed other passions, this being ‘ghost hunting’ and devil worship, the latter upsetting the local vicar immensely! When the supposed poltergeist activity occurred in the house and the vicar refused to exorcise the ‘demons’, l was told to stop astral projecting and definitely stop playing with the Ouija board and my simple request of ‘Séances still ok?’ was not well met.
My religious instruction teacher at the time already had his hands full and was none too pleased at my insistence of learning about cultural religion rather than only his chosen field of expertise, and constantly complained to my parents which must have been odd considering that my Mother was Salvation army background and my Father’s parents had wanted him to be ordained a Catholic priest, so who knows what the teacher was thinking of complaining to them, they already had problems with me anyway.
Over the years, l have tried my hands at stamp and postcard collecting, yo yo’s, rubrics cube, comics, annuals, drawing, painting, telephone numbers, train spotting, pottery, Airfix models, dinosaurs, archaeology, thunderbirds, ironing, sharks, word puzzles, flower pressing, butterflies, pen pals the list was actually endless and this continued in addition to the war gaming and the military, the reading, the occult and ghost hunting and upsetting all authorities on various levels for many months, in fact in truth most of my teenager years. [Bear in mind that this was way before the arrival of computers].
Things really took a turn for the interesting when l discovered working for a living at around eighteen. I had sampled this working thing a few of times previously admittedly, but these had only been seasonal or part time, or in the case of my first ever business when l was fourteen. Work proved to be one of the ultimate thrills l would ever discover, l could plough countless hours into it and as such consume huge windows of time and even better get paid for it! I have always held the philosophy of doing things l thoroughly enjoy only with work that way l will always enjoy the experience as a hobby will never tire of its presence in my life!
Thankfully as l got older it was not so much hobbies which occupied free time but working, although l still struggled to find suitable hobbies that could keep my mind busy and out of the monotony path. And so the likes of history, classical and modern became topics of interest as there were so many facts and figures there, unusual music and fabrics and then came the study of the ‘art of dandyism’ . Fishing was suggested and l tried it for around a year, but found that instead of my mind becoming entangled, it was usually my rod and line, and instead of exciting fish species for dinner found l was inundated with Sticklebacks, Minnows and the dreaded cold, not to mention muddy shoes and usually soaked to the skin, again due to my clumsiness!
However what was noted during this time, is that l had a real flavour for colours, and the lures and floats would hold me in an almost trance like state at the local fishing shop, no bloody wonder the fish were attracted to the damn things!
Late teens and yes work was filling a huge amount of my free time, l was a dedicated hobbyist of this pastime but was not allowed for legal reasons to work 24/7 so still had to occupy somehow surplus time. Catering college filled some, writing short horror stories for publication filled another slot; collecting old and antique books became an interesting side line also even more exciting was the ability to source out old books at the wrong price and sell them at the right price. One of these little gems was to find in a jumble sale, the first reprint of The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ by Victor Hugo printed in French priced at 5p with a resell value of £1750 to a bookstore in Surrey. That sale truly shone in my eyes and made a good years worth of hobby for me
By my mid to late twenties l was now employed professionally and as such developed a whole array of differing activities and interests and some were very special indeed l can assure you. With a little more money available to me, l was now able to venture further and deeper into some of my fascinations!
I had started to seriously look at religions and philosophies, cultures of other races, accents and dialects, business and entrepreneur enterprising, writing became an earner for me when l began writing erotic literature for magazines in London. Plus l seriously discovered my sexuality during these years and explored tantric sex and the karma sutra and studied sex with an ardent pleasure. My musical tastes leapt from unusual to down right bizarre and l became involved in the rave scene, and an even deeper and more penetrative look into the paranormal. The more l found out that l could survive on very little sleep; the more information l had to absorb to keep my ever hungry brain alert and active.
Running twenty or so hobbies and interests is l should imagine quite difficult for the average person, but this was the only way l could keep my mind stimulated, but in so doing, both myself and others noted that my personality was perhaps a little quirkier than others around me at the time. I preferred my own company most of the time, did not have a specific love interest, and was not ‘settling down per se’ with a house, wife, kids and a mortgage as society as a whole seems so hell bent on promoting as normal!
What many people did not always understand was that although l had many ‘interests’ ongoing at one time, it was a basic requirement to assist me in the quest for knowledge. But in my late teens to have more to occupy home life when not working was simply more rewarding than listening to or watching my parents constantly drain themselves during arguments!
But knowledge was the thing l craved the most, so yes to war gaming, but also a bigger yes to learning and understanding the history of how the politics brought Napoleon and Wellington together, or how certain armies were made up and comprised, of an in-depth comprehension of the uniforms at the time and so on. It was no different when l studied ancient warfare gaming with the Romans and their enemies in my younger years.
I was becoming very fixed in areas such as work, career and ambition, was determined in a steely fashion, and did not enjoy interruptions by outsiders when l was alone with my hobbies. My social time as was, was restricted to ‘paid work’ – there l was supposed to be social and pretend l enjoyed it, however when alone l did not have to wear any masks and could just be myself.
If l was on a cinema weekend, then that is what l was doing, if l chose to be alone, l was – simple. I do not like watching something l have never seen before and being disturbed by someone. During these years l earned the title of being of a selfish nature, which l found unfair in truth, l simply enjoyed my own company more, was social when required to be ‘or paid to be’, entertained when l felt like it or when l was studying something – like the sex. Sex became a very serious hobby for me, it was fun, entertaining, enterprising and adventurous, not only did l become obsessed by its presence but almost addicted, it was like a drug. Ironically with regards this subject l have read that whilst many on the spectrum are considered ‘asexual’ many others are considered ‘hypersexual’, l would have to class my own personality as hypersexual.
During my marital years, l started to become more specialised in my activities and l guess more dedicated, l no longer ran twenty or so, but had slimmed them down to around a dozen. Ironically and sadly sexual activity was not high on my ex wife’s agenda of must do hobbies!
In my thirties l started breeding and keeping Mongolian gerbils which my ex wife had introduced to me when we were dating, although my Sister had one as a pet when she was younger it was a vicious beast in comparison to the pair l saw much later on in life. I was instantly charmed, fascinated and curious with them; little did l know at the time, that these two little furballs would ignite a huge special interest in me that would last for almost fifteen years! When l went along to Pet City in Peterborough to look for a pair of my own, l was greeted with either agouti, [their natural colour], black or pink eyed white, and occasionally an argente colour was present, at that time which was the early 90’s, it was very hard to see any other colour mutations or variants.
From my first pair, l soon owned thirty pairs and had commenced what was called at the time a breeding room. I read all the available literature around at the time, to better acquaint myself with this species.
Before long l was taking an active and keen interest in understanding the genetics of the animal, why were there so very few colours available in the market? Were there not many breeders of this species in the UK? Many questions continually hampered me every day. So what began as an innocent ownership of an exotic breed of animals, within five years developed into one of the largest privately held collections, boasting many new variations and l could probably hold my hands up today and say that l contributed back then to awarding the mutations we see in shops today. As a hobby l was passionate, dedicated and loved it, from that activity l soon turned it into a business and profited again from something l adored.
More of this in another chapter, but as said it had travelled from being an interest to an enterprise which turned coins in the purse, perhaps not a millionaires salary but sufficient to pay for itself. It expanded much more than it had originally started out as. In the hobby sense to things and in terms of time, it took me from 1993 – 2005 and every year l thoroughly enjoyed it, and then almost as quickly as it had arrived it was over as a passion, l had moved on.
I have found over all my years that certain hobbies or special interests can keep me fixated for years, whilst others may not even see a full twelve months before they are waning. If the right elements, components or ingredients are present, then that is it, l am hooked! When this happens, l then actively do that episode to death, l learn absolutely everything there is to learn and as such begin to specialize in the topic and that information will stay in my memory banks for years afterwards.
In truth of the many Aspergians l have now met, this is how we all operate, we do not just learn something and accept it, we MUST know everything there is available to us! Everything l have ever taken on board has always started out as a fascination and then it becomes a hobby or a special interest, in other times it becomes so addictive it can only be classed as an obsession.
Personal computers arrived for me personally in the mid to late 90’s and this opened up an incredible doorway into easily sourced out data, as well as storage for thousands of documents that l had previously written down into books or lever arch files.
The 90’s brought other passions like the X-Files, Mulder had to be an Aspie right? PC gaming entered the field of time consumption, but also as l was married at the time, it awarded me a great get out of the visit the parent in laws excuse! But the arrival of the desktop computer also brought with it a new meaning to companionship!
I have very few actual hobbies on the go at this present time; l listed them at the start of the chapter, but l am always eager to learn about something new, and forever looking forwards to the time that a new special interest catches my eye
Outside where l live, is a very long grey road,
It’s ideal for thinking, pondering the load,
I walk it often, whilst enjoying time with my dogs,
Setting the worlds’ problems straight, whirring the cogs,
Thinking is just the tip of our busy hectic mind,
What really goes on in there, all of the ticking time?
Walking as far as l do, each and every passing day,
Allows me to continually explore, thoughts highway,
It enables me to look deep into the mental abyss,
Sometimes taking me to past horrors and other times to bliss,
But deep l can journey to my inner working space,
At times, my thoughts will never express upon my face!
Philosophizing, analyzing, processing my entire life,
From now, from before, and ahead along the road of rife,
Easy as it is, to lose track of time beneath each stride,
Consciously showing me how to view as l glide,
Thoughts highway continually observes and it sees,
Visions of who l am, now and after, dark real me.
© Rory Matier 2011
Chapter 10 – Ep 14 – Soon