Of Longest Goodbyes,
I have been back for a few hours from my Father’s house – l shouldn’t have to step back into his house another time ever again now. Of that l am thankful, l simply don’t have the energy reserves for yet another visit. The last time l was there was January 19th and as it was that wrecked me, but this last visit has simply finished me off. In that period of time which is now a month, my shoulder has deteriorated so far that every move today was bad news. I found those last few ounces of energy and did what needed to be done.
Suze and l travelled up to Surrey to meet one of Dad’s friends who expressed an interest in the books – not to purchase – just to have, and boy oh boy talk about a scavenger. Judging by the way he managed to traverse his way around the collection, it was easy to see he had had his eyes on my Father’s books when he was alive. Dad had included him in the sheet of wishes attached to the Will – not a legal document just a ‘this may help you’ offload some of my stuff sheet. This friend happens to be a book trader – so good luck to him if he can at least make something from them financially.
He also helped himself to every single one of the Frank Sinatra CD’s – l didn’t mind – but l tire of being thought of as a fuckwit – and this friend l think thought that of me. We had a falling out when my Dad was alive last year but dying, you may recall the episode, if not, no problem. But it was a heat of the moment thing for me, and whilst my Sister hates this guy with a passion, my thoughts are with the books not simply being binned on some fire heap somewhere, although l was a little astonished at his desire for the FS CD’s – all 73 of them!
“Do they have a good resell value on them Jim?” I asked.
“Oh no, l just like FS” He answered however at the same time he wife answered “Oh no, he swaps them for others.” At least she was honest, unlike Jim who threw her a scowl as if to say “Shut the fuck up woman you’ll give the game away!”
That attitude annoys me, l am giving you a truck load of stuff, you have my blessing, why lie about your intentions? They went, and all he did was simply, “Yeah thanks, took you enough time to honour your Dad’s wish sheet!” Suze had to hold me back from knifing him with the wooden letter opener l was holding!
Jenny has the house clearance teams in on the 28th to finally empty the property and then the clean up crew [supposedly] in on the day after to clean the house up ready for the estate agents visiting on the 3rd March, with a view to the house being placed onto the market pretty quickly after that. Thank God, its only 2 months later than we both agreed to in October.
My Sister and l will not have any kind of friendship after this house is sold, and l no longer care -l have seen her in a totally new light since October and it is one that does her no justice! Equally l have seen my Mother in a new light, and as to my Father with all the work l am doing with his books and stories he is about the only one l haven’t learned much about. YET, having said that – that’s a lie – l have learned a lot about his Asperger’s – the disorder he refused to acknowledge he had. I have seen that, over and over again in his written words and his house.
Some of you have said that perhaps there is a book to be written with regards my Father and myself and l think there is, but it is to do with my planned book 5 Shipsa Docking.
I finally learned the truth today to Jeannes departure from my Father’s life and the real mystery about why he finally depressed the ultimate destruct button to his life, and l need to address that, alongside everything l have learned about my family with the death of the patriarch.
My Sister’s lack of effective and constructive ability to do anything with Dad’s death except the narcisstic approach has started to turn me seriously against her, as well as with the truth that was disclosed today – we are to be done soon.
Working with my Father’s words has been a journey, but l started and l will finish it, l do in some respects regret starting, but atypically Aspergic of me, l must complete what l started. It has to a certain degree had a negative impact on me, and combined with the depression of my shoulder, has been hard going – but l think in the next three months l should be concluded with that journey. By that time and with all the other information l have, l will be able to finally write the book l have been thinking of writing since Dancing in the Grey closed.
I rescued some more soft toys today, and some more books and some other bits – but l am finished with his house now.
I know many of you have comments outstanding on other posts, that need responding to, l will do that in the next few hours, for the time being, l need to take some quality downtime and get my reserves back up.
Thanks for reading,