Dancing by my Numbers 1987
Part 1 of 2
You know someone said to me a few months ago, upon reading my Stories and Tales Directory, that l had a lot of stories in there, and that there were gaps ready for other stories – which is true. They also said that there seemed to be a gap in the mid 80’s and did l not have many stories from that time period, especially as l have a lot of other tales both before and after. They weren’t asking in anything other than a curious style. I mean l don’t know if l have told you, but l have acquired an anon stalker, who emails me and asks me things and on occasion is a little hostile. However, the story asking person, wasn’t being hostile.
Now it’s not that l don’t have stories from 87 – 88 l do, l do have a hyper – link in there that takes viewers off to another location in my blog where l talk about autism and mental health. 1987 – 1988 was steeped in a little hassle, and that is an understatement. This year is my 32 second anniversary to events in 1987 which stopped my life dead, literally. So l tend to not write about that time because even know l have purged the demons from then, it’s still somewhat difficult for me to express myself. But over time, stories may emerge from the year of 1987 or they may not.
But 87 had a lot of impact on all areas of my life, it changed me and encouraged me to walk down a much darker path than l had previously walked before. I became more of a risk taker, more risque with my life, l then really started to explore the hidden and seedier side to my life and life around me. I worked really hard, stupidly hard and carried a guilt that wasn’t mine to carry, not really, but loss and grief will do that to you.
In the years following the events of 1987 l got myself into all sorts of scrapes and hassles, and whilst l had a career and was really good at my job, l ostracised myself from everyone who knew me and loved me. You see l found out l don’t handle grief very well, l don’t mean global grief, as in empathy, l mean personal grief as in it affects you personally. I don’t handle that very well at all. I have learned since my diagnosis of Aspergers  that is normal. Those of us on the spectrum have a really hard time processing this emotion. We are either nonplus about it, callous as in way too cold or it floors us! I was the latter.
I should have got help, but l didn’t, because l figured l could ‘sort’ it myself, what l didn’t know was that my Aspergers had other ideas for me, and then that too made it very difficult to ask for help. In 2004 l was diagnosed as suffering from PTSD because of it. I went through counselling and therapy, and nothing really worked until a couple of months after l created this blog in September 2017, when in November which you will have read recently – l purged my demons! Since then, the person you have with you today is the result of letting go of 30 years of feeling guilty for deaths in a car crash that was not of my making.
1987 and 1988 saw me at my very worst as a human being, l probably went down to the deepest vaults of my mind in those years than l have ever really dug. For a full year l didn’t say anything, l just worked and had very little concern about my life – that particular shady person was with me as Mr ‘Adventurous’, till 1993, and then Mr Just Get On With It till around 2017. However in 2013 l met and fell in love with a truly wonderful woman, who taught me how to live and more importantly how to really love again. I am still with her today. She became my rock of stability. I have no shame in saying that the person l had become was not a good person to be.
So when people talk of grief, trust me when l say l do get it. I know how the loss of certain people in your life can seriously effect you and your interpretation of your own life.
This isn’t the story to be told – this was just the introduction to the events in the story which led to a somewhat odd discovery, which was ‘Dancing by my Numbers’.