Dear Blog … 07.51 – 04/02/19


Pea Gardening!

I lay in bed this morning squirming, blimey l thought it’s only half six, l am so groggy most mornings from the tablets, the house could be on fire and l could be reduced to ashes before l realised l was on fire. But l lay there feeling uncomfortable. Come on, surely l don’t need to get up? It’s not like l am 60 already? It’s not even like l had a drink before retiring for the night, do l have to get up? I am 56 this year, l thought l could hold out for longer??

The room was pitch black, l could hear the furball snoring in her bed at the foot of my own, fuck it, bollocks and crap! I need the loo! No amount of pretending it will go away will resolve this issue. However as l started to get up, l could see a slither of light escaping from the bathroom door … Suze is in there! Damnations! Of course she is in there, she’s getting ready for work. But as l listened l couldn’t hear the shower, but l could still hear the trace elements of her cough! Double damnations, she must be sitting on the loo herself. So l waited. How long l hear you ask? About three minutes according to the bright orange digital alarm clock l have. 06.32 – 06.35.

I couldn’t hold it, l had to go now! So with a judder and a shudder l got up, and put my top on and as quickly as l could, as by this time l was like a fumbling kid at the stage of wetting his bed, half stumbled briskly shuffled to the back door, got through and into the garden, and it was there, at a ridiculous time in the morning, groggy as a drunken rooster that l relieved myself  on a small stretch of the back garden lawn!

Miliseconds later l heard “What on earth are you doing??”

I nearly wet myself with that l can tell you! Once l sufficiently recovered and managed to not douse my pj  bottoms in my own wee, l answered ” I am having a pee, l was desperate and had no desire to wet the bed!”

“I was only in the bathroom, you could have come in.”

“I thought you were sitting on the loo, and l couldn’t wait.”

“But this is the garden!” Suze whispered sharply back, “What if the neighbours see you?”

“What are you on about? I can’t even see myself in this dark, let alone the bloody neighbours seeing me, and we are in an enclosed garden you know!” I answered, just going through the numerous shakes to finalise my morning release.

“But it’s the garden!” Suze reinforced her actual claim.

“Babes, l needed a pee, it’s not like it was a number two, we only have one toilet here, not two, what else was l to do?”

“Call yourself groggy, and here you are peeing in the garden and making poetry!! Typical always time for poetry, but couldn’t wait for me to finish!”

“There are times when a man has got to do what a man has got to do, you know?”

Suze was unimpressed.

Dear Blog ……

21 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 07.51 – 04/02/19

    1. Morning Lorraine, l know we all get caught short occasionally, Suze forgets that lol! It reminds me of the time she caught me peeing in a bottle for the garden, but that’s another story – ha ha – how are you?

      1. Ha ha Rory. My hubby cannot wait AT ALL, and we are forever having to stop the car so he can have a pee. Sometimes tbree times in one afternoon’s drive, his is due to diabetes, i am fine as I can be thanks, and hoping to go out later.

          1. You have have a pleasant day too. No more seeing in the garden if you can help it. You could always get one of those seeing statues and hide behind it!

  1. Heh. Peeing in the bushes from my Grandmother’s front porch was a badge of honor & a necessary ritual for my dad and his younger brother…even as adults. We Americans are crude as hell…😉

        1. It’s funny you should say that, l remember in the late 60’s, when l lived with my family in Malaysia, our amah teaching my 2 year old sister to squat wee and she became very adept at that skill 🙂

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