I lay in bed this morning squirming, blimey l thought it’s only half six, l am so groggy most mornings from the tablets, the house could be on fire and l could be reduced to ashes before l realised l was on fire. But l lay there feeling uncomfortable. Come on, surely l don’t need to get up? It’s not like l am 60 already? It’s not even like l had a drink before retiring for the night, do l have to get up? I am 56 this year, l thought l could hold out for longer??
The room was pitch black, l could hear the furball snoring in her bed at the foot of my own, fuck it, bollocks and crap! I need the loo! No amount of pretending it will go away will resolve this issue. However as l started to get up, l could see a slither of light escaping from the bathroom door … Suze is in there! Damnations! Of course she is in there, she’s getting ready for work. But as l listened l couldn’t hear the shower, but l could still hear the trace elements of her cough! Double damnations, she must be sitting on the loo herself. So l waited. How long l hear you ask? About three minutes according to the bright orange digital alarm clock l have. 06.32 – 06.35.
I couldn’t hold it, l had to go now! So with a judder and a shudder l got up, and put my top on and as quickly as l could, as by this time l was like a fumbling kid at the stage of wetting his bed, half stumbled briskly shuffled to the back door, got through and into the garden, and it was there, at a ridiculous time in the morning, groggy as a drunken rooster that l relieved myself on a small stretch of the back garden lawn!
Miliseconds later l heard “What on earth are you doing??”
I nearly wet myself with that l can tell you! Once l sufficiently recovered and managed to not douse my pj bottoms in my own wee, l answered ” I am having a pee, l was desperate and had no desire to wet the bed!”
“I was only in the bathroom, you could have come in.”
“I thought you were sitting on the loo, and l couldn’t wait.”
“But this is the garden!” Suze whispered sharply back, “What if the neighbours see you?”
“What are you on about? I can’t even see myself in this dark, let alone the bloody neighbours seeing me, and we are in an enclosed garden you know!” I answered, just going through the numerous shakes to finalise my morning release.
“But it’s the garden!” Suze reinforced her actual claim.
“Babes, l needed a pee, it’s not like it was a number two, we only have one toilet here, not two, what else was l to do?”
“Call yourself groggy, and here you are peeing in the garden and making poetry!! Typical always time for poetry, but couldn’t wait for me to finish!”
“There are times when a man has got to do what a man has got to do, you know?”
Suze was unimpressed.