The Misfortunate Dwayne Bluter 1992
This tale comes to you today after a small conversation l had with Kristian – Tales of the mind of Kristianabout the film There’s Something About Mary which we were discussing the other day in this post What Do You Think … ? … and it triggered a memory from 1992. The poem, l wrote this morning and whilst that is a piece of fiction, it is based on some very true facts, just with name changes and a few squiggles but fundamentally it is based on real time events about a manager in a London store with a quirky behavioural skill set.
During my career with retail, l was an aspiring ladder climber and very ambitious. I loved retail and everything about it .. well most things. In the early nineties l worked for a prestigious family firm that sold female clothing. Fundamentally l was a trainer, but l also had experience in other fields which enabled me to join in with at times more adventurous retail operations, one of which was being part of a management audit investigation team, and what this involved was going into retail outlets that were running at a loss and sorting out their administrations, staffing and training, management and layout in the hope that our team could sort out the issues at hand, and turn the store around to start realising a profit again.
We were sent in to a London store, which had a seriously bad reputation for external stock loss, poor management, low quality training and basically poor managerial skills. It was a challenge and as team leader, these were the stores that l used to love dealing with. Stores you could really get your experienced teeth into.
There was only one odd and unusual proviso and that was that the request had come direct from one of the CEO’s of the company l was working for as a personal favour to her to sort the store out and to inform her directly of the manager. All a bit unusual, but l was starting to get used to unusual for some of these family firms.
When we arrived at the store, it wasn’t long before we were able to identify the problems, and started sorting them out, and it was whilst l was sifting through the administration side to the business that the young administrator there made an odd claim about her manager, who for the sake of things we shall call Dwayne Bluter. Who was unusually not present the day we arrived. The normal practice was for the store manager under investigation to be present in their own store.
Dwayne was the retail manager that was under investigation, his store had an incredibly high staff turnover, which resulted in poor staffing cover and high external stock losses. The administrator told me that a lot of the female staff were very fond of him, and that he was very kind to his female staff …“If you know what l mean?”
I replied, not really, what do you mean? She then told me that Dwayne had a habit of bedding all his female staff and sacking the ones he couldn’t bed, if they had boyfriends or were married. Well l was appalled, seriously, this wasn’t acceptable behaviour! She then told me that Dwayne had a particular tendency towards an odd behaviour of his that had gotten out of hand literally only the previous week and he had offended a customer, which might explain his absence the week we had arrived.
I remember thinking that l wasn’t aware that we had a sexual harassment complaint made concerning Mr Bluter and at that time we had drawn up no disciplinary proceedings, but perhaps when the CEO had rung me and said she ‘had a feeling about him that she couldn’t describe’, perhaps this is what she was referring to. I was sort of right and horribly wrong at the same time.
The long and short of this tale is explained in the poem below. Now should you wish to know of the outcome, well that is even odder. The CEO was so impressed by Bluter the Shooter, that they actually ended up dating for quite some time, of course after he was fired! I mean you could not have that kind of activity in a prestigious fashion outlet, could you?
The Misfortunate Dwayne Bluter
Once knew a chap by the name of Dwayne Bluter,
Who had acquired the odd nickname “The Shooter”,
See, he had a chronic addiction to masturbation,
Which had developed into an unhealthy fascination,
Dwayne wasn’t just another unhinged perv,
He just loved practicing his kinky fetishist curve!
If anything he was more of an erotic entrepreneur,
Or perhaps even a sexual whisperer!
Anywhere he could, he would shoot his load in,
Talking on the bus, out shopping, or even just the bathroom bin!
Made no difference to Bluter, anywhere would do,
For wanking was his passion, he had to see it through,
It even engulfed most of his working day,
His co-workers shocked to see him at play!
Beating his monkey for the ladies at the office,
Wasn’t long before he became the centre of nasty gossip!
But Bluter, the shooter was quite the ladies’ man, so told,
It mattered not who he beat for, young or old,
He simply could not restrain his experienced hand,
Especially when it came to fondling his oversized man gland!
Of course, all deviant miscreants, eventually get caught,
Bluter was no different, he was simply caught short!
One morning whilst bludgeoning his beefsteak,
Completely oblivious to his blatant mistake,
In walked an unsuspecting and innocent poor wee soul,
For Sally received a half load in her delicate ear hole!
Bluter aghast at what he done, to the CEO,
Ran for the window, and shot the remainder below!
Bluter the shooter was faced with quite the mess,
The top manager had him now and made him confess,
However unbeknownst to the shooter, and below,
Was another unexpecting victim beneath the window!
On a day out and lunching with his family,
All of them enjoying a bowl of cooked chilly,
When with a resounding squelch, upon dads head,
Did so fall a rather unpleasant and sticky spread!
Minutes later, and there is a great banging on the office door,
With a very angry Scottish guy, yelling for blood and more!
“Whatever is wrong?” squealed a panicked Bluter,
“I want to kill that bloody load shooter!’
”I was sitting below your window just now mate!”
“And something right horrible’s landed on my pate!
“Err, l’m not quite sure what you mean?”
“Shut up, open the door and come clean!”
Bluter, now stricken with an absolute knee jerking fear,
Looked to his colleagues for support, but they gleefully sneer,
Seeing the CEO, with her lobe awash with gunk,
Trembles when he thinks of his other misplaced spunk!
You see it doesn’t pay, to fiddle in the workplace,
These things have a way of hitting you back in the face!
You shouldn’t beat the monkey, paddle or spank,
And most assuredly you shouldn’t bloody wank!
© Rory Matier 2019