“Jerk You Burk!” In Service to the Queen 1980


“Jerk You Burk!”

In Service to the Queen

Once received a woolly gift did l,
That l couldn’t resist and did try,
Whether it was meant to be worn or not,
Knew not just it had to be worth a shot,

Furled in the colours of the United Kingdom,
To not wear might have been treason!
One night, wrapped up in bed at home,
Slipped on the warmer whilst alone,

Ooh what a feeling it was upon my flesh,
Albeit it did seem to become enmeshed,
Whilst at first it was way too big,
Soon, l sort of grew into it!

Should of taken note that it twas but a gift,
For upon knotting the string did l fit!
Goodness not only was it itchy,
But also made me quite frisky!

Still l expanded into this woollen trap,
So much so that soon l realised my mishap!
Damnations the pain! The pain, the pain,
Must get the wretched thing off again!

The knot was useless it was not shifting,
Blood supply cut off and l was drifting!
Am seeing stars now, swirling around my head!
Trying to get out of the damn bed!

I feel quite sick, and l am starting to swagger,
My eggs and spoon are caught up in this damn bagger!
Tugging l tried, pulling, stretching and yanking,
Not helpful due to some idiot thinking l was wanking!

Getting excited he was with all the action!
Not realising the agony of this gifted contraption!
From below l hear my Mother yell,
‘Are you alright darling, are you well?’

Oh no, they can hear all my frantic thrashings!
As l attempt to release the damn wool catching,
Good Lord heavens above, footsteps on stairs!
Jump back into bed, to avoid any stares!

It’s no use, l think l am dying!
Tears are welling in my eyes, and l am crying!
They are just seconds away from my door,
It’s too much, way too much for me to endure!

Darkness sweeps over me and l think l pass out,
Coming around to my families shouts,
Looking up and my Father, Mother and my Sister!
All looking very concerned and in quite the dither,

Still l try to silently fumble and untwist the knot,
“Are you sure you are okay?’ Mother asks out,
‘Yes l am fine, just a bit of fever’
Praying that just this once my parents are believers!

“Do you have a stomach pain? You seem to be shivering’
“Plus you are sweating and visibly withering?”
Oh how l wish l was, l inwardly thought,
As the woollen misadventure and l still fought!

My Father not one to miss anything unusual,
Dealt in the factual and things provable,
“What are you doing below the cover?’
‘Erm yes l have a stomach pain father!’

“Well do you need me to call the doctors?’
“No, l am fine really, let’s not bother!’
Well my mother pulled back my quilt,
My, my, my did l wilt!

“Oh My God!” Did she exclaim,
And from then did start the mental pain!
My Sister was a complete and utter giggle,
Falling on the floor in full laughter jiggle!

For there below everyone’s’ staring eyes!
Was the Flag of Britain in disguise!,
Slipped off did it then, agony over and gone,
Mum and Sis left me to Dad alone..

“What on earth were you thinking of Son?’
“Erm well it looked kind of fun’
“Willy warmers are novelties you Burk!”
“If you want to play from now on, just jerk!!!!”

© Rory Matier 2012

I was 17, yes 17, l should have known better, my ”’girlfriend” at the time, said – she actually said it was  a jokey item and yet still, l had to do it! My parents for several years, as was their way, always reminded me of that little incident – in fact it became quite the party piece for humour at my expense – aah such is the life of me!



11 thoughts on ““Jerk You Burk!” In Service to the Queen 1980

  1. I don’t have a clue how to make those laughing so hard I’m crying emoties, but consider them placed here. Oh dear Lord. BWAHAHAHAHHA! Now have you ever seen a film entitled “There’s Something About Mary”? Because it could have been worse. Just saying… 😉 Thanks for sharing! 😀

  2. I’ve never seen or heard of a Willie warmer. Even if it is meant as joke, who wouldn’t secretly try it?

    Reading the comments, my ex always went commando and got caught in his zipper once. I heard him yell from the bathroom for help. I looked at the situation and told him he was on his own. There was NO WAY I was going to be involved in that injury.

  3. Rory, first you have such talent.

    You’re ability to tell a story, that has rhythm and there is no chorus line. Songwriters don’t have this command of the queen’s english.

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