The Social Floops!
There are many things l am not good at.
I am not a practical person under any circumstance, Suze in comparison is wonderfully practical – she just seemingly knows what to do with certain situations and you’ll laugh at some of these confessions of mine, however by now you should know that l am somewhat clumsy. I am also if not hyperfocused very forgetful. So l can remember phenomenal things that interest and fascinate me from years ago, and yet forget the simplest of things from the day l am in itself!
I really can get lost going around a corner, and ‘a few sandwiches short of the hamper’ is a line l have heard many a time, because sometimes l am too naive and too literal. I think that might be the Asperger’s or alternatively for an intelligent guy l am basically a clutz! I can change a lightbulb … ish, l can wield a hammer … ish, l can paint a room … ish! My middle name should be Ish! My actual middle name is Lawrence, but l wouldn’t mind if l was called Lawrenceish! Because it would be quite closeish to the truthish!
I have blown myself up, run myself over, tripped over my own feet, snipped off bits of my ears with haircuts and shaving, performed dentistry badly and the list of disasters goes on. Today l am writing about having a large ragged splinter removed from a very private part of my body and this came about because of being clumsy, acting the ass and being accident prone! I have many faults, many of which l write about on a regular basis, and l am not bothered by doing so because, well none of us are perfect.
Socially l am a bit of a disaster as well, l am very clumsy at times with how l speak to people, l can be seen and interpretted as brutal or brash, and it’s not really that in my eyes, it is usually more a case of trying to not beat around the bush and just being honest. But both honesty and being too literal can upset some sensitive people. I have at my own concession gotten worse as l have gotten older. Now l tend to speak to very few people, and this way l avoid error.
But l still manage to make ‘social floops’ in others ways. Now what is a social floop l hear you ask? Simply put, it’s me combining social flop and oops together to make floops. Told you it was simple!
Yesterday l made a few social floops!
I had booked a taxi to take me to the hospital yesterday last Friday, but l forgot who l booked it with because well l forgot to write it down, and there was a small bit of confusion with that, however the right taxi arrived, slightly later and l got to my destination in good time as was. However when l arrived, l discovered that my 17.20 appointment was running late, meaning l might not see the consultant until around 17.50 and as it was l did see the consultant at 17.55.
Suze was meeting me at the hospital after she finished work. The hospital is in Margate, and Suze works in Margate and is only ten minutes away from where l was. I decided to text her and tell her there was no rush, which l realized yet again, l had forgotten to bring my mobile phone with me, this was an ‘oops’ situtation.
You see, because l am not that social, l don’t have a fancy Smartphone, l have a basic brick dumbphone. It does what it should do. it makes and receives texts and calls and when carried with me is mobile. The only people who ever really text me are either Suze or my Mother so it’s not even in my eyes a huge social necessity. Although if left at home as it was, this meant it was stationary, hardly mobile!!
I knew this just wasn’t a small oops, to me it was – Suze had the address, she would find me eventually, the Spencer where l was is right next door to the main hospital, so where’s the hardship l thought? However, l knew to methodical Suze that this would be a huge oops! So not being able to ring her, all l could do was go inside the hospital and await my appointment.
Meanwhile, Suze not knowing my appointment was delayed is frantically running behind, she is late and is now not sure where the bloody hell l am and is trying to find parking and is ringing my mobile phone cursing the very day l was born because l am being a lazy bastard by not picking it up and answering ………. but l didn’t know that because my phone was at home! At 17.25 a very flustered looking Suze pounds through the sliding doors into the waiting room and looks at me with eyes of thunder… yes folks, l knew that was the real ‘oops’ of the day.
“Why don’t you answer your bloody phone? I have been ringing you for ages, l am running late!” She harshly whispers.
“No need to panic,” l answer very calmly but giving her the eyes that suggest she looks a bit wild and crazy and may need to calm down.“It’s all running late, so no need to worry.”
“Don’t you give me those bloody eyes, where’s your phone?”
“Yeah about that l for….”
“Again? What, am l going to have to staple it to your forehead??”
“Yeah sorry babes, bit of an oops on my account.”
“Don’t you start with your sodding oops either!”
So there is the oops part of ‘floops’ …
Anyway, we went in for my appointment, spent five minutes in there and were then told to go and see the nurses for a swab.
“Why do l need a swab?” I asked “This proceedure isn’t being done now surely?”
“No, but we still need to swab you.” The nurse answered.
So l start taking off my jacket and rolling up the sleeve to my left arm, with the nurse and Suze looking at me like l have three heads.
“What are you doing?” Suze asks.
“Getting ready for my swab, like hello duuh, you heard, swabbing, they need a swab?” I answered. “You know they swab decks on a ship, it’s like a cleaning process babes, they need to clean a spot for an injection.”
“No Sir, l am going to need your nose and your groin.” The nurse informed me.
“What? You are going to inject my nose and my groin? What on earth for?”
“Inject you sir? No, not all, we need a swab to see if you have MRSA.” [meticillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus]
“MRSA? What the hell is that? Why my nose and my groin?”
“It’s just the way we do it here. So we check and if you are clear, then fine, and if not then it’s a body scrub for you sir.”
“A body scrub, l am having my arm done, not having my body tampered with.”
The nurse asked me to sit down, both she and Suze were staring at me like l was spacing out of my planet, it was most disconcerting!
“Just sit down Rory!” Suze commanded me in her serious ‘don’t fuck with me mate!’ voice.
So l did, and then the nurse put this slim cotton wool bud up into both nostrils and started tickling me! “Tickles a bit you know!”
No humour this nurse l thought when she presented me with another slim sticked cotton wool bud and told me to do my groin. So l started dropping my trousers and …
“Oh no sir, not here, behind the curtain.” All alarmed like.
“Well it’s just my groin you said, ten times each side? I have boxers on!”
So off l trapse behind the curtain with my slim stick, and proceed to unbuckle my trousers when the slim stick suddenly snaps in two as my belt buckle hit it.
“Oops l have broken my stick, is it still okay to use?”
The answer was yes, but l could hear both the nurse and Suze talking, with Suze saying “Sorry, he doesn’t get out a lot these days, a bit of social flop with these kinds of things.”
Charming, l thought to myself, when suddenly the nurse answered with “Hides it well doesn’t he ….. not!”
And that was the social flop part of the day.
Suze on the way home found all of this very funny, about there l was trying to explain to the nurse that swabs are for decks not noses and groins!