Cows From The Outer Space!!
Someone asked of me the other day why l called my blog the ‘Adventures’ when so far it is only read as ‘Stories’? Ok, that is a fair question, so l will answer it … its simple – since last year New Years’ Eve [2016/2017] when the IVDD made a claim on my ability to walk, every day has been an adventure for me, yes every day! When you have been informed that you may never walk again, and then you find that you can, trust me when l say, each and every day is a brand new day with the potential of adventurous doganeering [like two legged buccaneering]!
However, today l am going to step back in time slightly and tell you of an adventure we all had when we lived on the Isle of Wight in 2015!!
I love my Dad, l really do, l thought l best put that out first and foremost considering he is typing my tale, no, no, that was a joke, l do love you Dad, honestly, but this story has to be told and no amount of head shaking is going to stop the truth from being laid bare
How to start, l think the best approach is to be quite dogmatic about it all!
When we lived there, we all had lots of adventures whilst out and about, and this is not going to be the first you shall hear, there will be others, but this particular one is firmly etched into my memory [and Mummy’s] as an absolute classic! Next to perhaps the Bourne woods one which involved ‘The Ranger!!’ However, maybe another time for that one, must let Dad recover from todays’ first!!
This particular adventure had a small preamble adventure before the main one … and that was the discovery that my Dad is a big girls’ blouse! Sorry Dad, there is no polite way of discussing this, but let’s be honest – you are! We all still love you, but at times you can be downright wussy!
It was a real struggle to find the appropriate title for today’s post l have to say, it was either “Till the cows come home”, or “ Cow is man’s best enemy”, or even “Attack of the mad cows!”, however none seemed appropriate, so l went with …
“Cows from the Outer Space!!” which should be read aloud in a dark foreboding voice filled with doom and echo if you can? It’s a play on words really, because there were cows, lots of and there was a field, big of and they came to from that outer space!
I never knew that my Dad had a dreadful fear of cows, l mean who does seriously? In fact l don’t think he ever knew until that day! That fateful day that Dad became scared of “Cows from the Outer Space!!”
The first little dilly dally happened quite innocently, but it ended with Dad nearly crying! Ok, Dad, you weren’t crying, but some of your squeaks and squeals of terror came pretty close to crying!
We were on a walk, and we had to cross a field with cows in it. Dad was the first one to pipe up ..
“There are cows in that field!” Always able to observe the obvious my Dad!
“Yes, well we will just walk calmly through darling, and we will be fine” Answered Mummy.
“Yeah, but cows don’t like dogs, they could run amok” he continued.
“Do you have a problem with cows?” Mummy enquired.
“Don’t be silly, l am just saying that cows don’t like dogs and there may be a problem” he responded.
“Well l will keep her on short lead, and we will walk directly to the other gate, ok?”
“Yes, ok, just be careful, l will walk behind”
Now that seems like a perfectly innocent and innocuous conversation doesn’t it? From that, all you would gather is that Dad was concerned about me, being a dog and the fact that [fact] cows don’t like dogs. Now this is true, however, it would have been silly of us if we had walked through and there had been mothers and their calves, but this wasn’t the case, it was however – young frisky male teenage calves, which according to Mummy would be ok, as long as we DID walk with me on short lead, and we walked directly to the other gate!
Which was the intention of l thought all of us ….
…. So we got over the style and entered the field. Within seconds a couple of cows had noticed us, but l was very good, , l was on short lead and Mummy is a highly competent walker and she guided me forwards. Now, from two interested and curious cows, it soon became six, then eight, then a dozen, and it wasn’t long before the entire field of maybe thirty cows was expressing an interest in us and our quest to cross their territory!
I was fine, Mummy was fine, but somehow … Dad wasn’t! He was dawdling and had become cut off from us and was now according to Mummy a good twenty feet behind us and our circle of following cows, and to boot he also had following cows, more than us, surprisingly!!? Dad seemed to have acquired the rest of the field that wasn’t with us. Pretty soon, Dad was 30 feet behind us, and strange whimpering’s were coming from the centre of his herd?? I thought it was the cows, but it wasn’t ….
…. It was Dad!!!
He was terrified, that is what Mummy was telling me, and amidst the names she was silently calling him under her breath!! They were quite colourful! Dad can cuss like a trooper, but the things that Mummy was whispering that Day, even made me blush!
Suddenly she stopped, and shooed off our cows, and hollered across to Dad and his twenty plus curious beasts, and yelled “Get in front of me now!” in a very firm voice! I wouldn’t say true anger, but not far off, a little stressed maybe, but not panic filled like Dad’s noises were. Plus she said to me, she didn’t want to alarm the cows and cause a stampede! [Whatever that is, but didn’t sound good!!] Anything with the word ‘stamp’ in can’t be good.
I could hear Dad, trying to shoo off his own following, but they were having none of that and if anything, edged closer, and closer, and closer and soon, Mummy said Dad had been swallowed up by the cows!! Which did sound scary admittedly! I never knew cows could eat people! Even l was worried that my Dad had been eaten by a field of cows! Like that never happens does it? Although, this is my Dad we are talking about! So anything is possible with Mr Asbee Clumsy!
Mummy was really cool, but l could tell she wasn’t impressed!
What should have been a five minute walk across a field of cows turned into a frenzied mobbing of beefy four leggeds looking to perform unspeakable things on my Dad, and soon that five minutes turned into ten minutes!!
Dad’s friends coming to say bye bye!
Eventually we got across, and over the other gate onto the lane! Mummy breathed a sigh of relief, and Dad well; Dad was a quivering quaking mess. Mummy began to laugh, and even l could see the funny side, especially as Dad didn’t appear to have any giant size bite marks on him, which still leaves me a little confused as to how they swallowed him up, but hey two legged talking can be baffling at best of times.
Mummy asked him, why didn’t he ever say that he was scared of cows? Dad said he wasn’t scared of cows, but they expressed an interest in him once he got into the field and that when they hard pressed him, he sort of snapped and was instantly scared!
Now you may think, that was a once off, in fact Dad more or less tried to say it was, but you know Mummy and l became a little cautious after that especially when Dad was in tow, because we never had any problems before that day with cows?
The real funny was the main adventure which occurred only a few days later. We used to walk for miles back then; l was able to cope with more then, not so much now. But back then, l was. We used to live in Appley which is just outside of Ryde, and one day we all decided to walk into Wootton Bridge which was a few miles away, buy some fish and chips and then walk back!
We set off in good time, we got to Wootton, bought the fish and chips, but on the way back, we sort of got lost and ended up in places and ….. fields that we didn’t need to be in! Fields that had “Cows from the Outer Space!” in as well!
When we first entered the field in question, Dad was fine, none of us could see any cows what so ever. It was after a few minutes in the field which was going downhill, that this strange gurgled noise was uttered by Dad! So we looked around and there at the top of the hill where Dad was looking in the light of dusk, were a small group of cows!!! Dad was standing there transfixed and he started to shake and then suddenly he yelled “RUN!!!!!”
And he took off down the hill, with the backpack on his back bouncing all over the place! I have never seen Dad run quite like he did that day, zigging to his left, to his right! I could smell Dad’s absolute fear as he ran past Mummy and me! Well, that’s when it sort of went all higgledy piggledy, because Mummy, yelled to him, they are not anywhere near us, stop running!
But Dad was absolutely oblivious and he was running down the hill trying to not step in their puddles of poop, so then Mummy started running, and l started running to catch up with Dad who was running! Dad suddenly darted into the adjoining field through the barbed wire! We followed! Only then did Dad start to calm down! Only then did the cows come down to opposite where we were in the other field, only then. They had ambled down to where we now were – yes folks – ambled! If l could have spoken cow, l swear they were laughing at us in their cow like way, but l can only speak fluent dog and pigeon two legged! Mummy was looking at Dad, in this most unusual of ways, trying not to laugh at Dad and his panic over the ‘ambling cows’.
“Not scared of cows eh?” She asked him.
“I thought, l thought they were going to run after us!” He stammered.
It’s very hard to NOT laugh at something that funny! But Mummy and l did our best to calm the little soldier! “Heart of a lion, this one”, was a line that Ron Weasley uttered regarding Gilderoy Lockhart, l seemed to recall, and it fitted Dad most appropriately at that precise time! But be still my beating heart folks, the funnies had still not stopped, and l think the absolute funniest moment of our entire adventure for that day happened next!
You will recall that l said Dad was wearing a backpack, well when he had calmed down sufficiently; we proceeded to leave the field we were in and cross the little bit of remaining field where the cows were in. No sooner had we got into that field that DAD was off again!!
“Ruuuuunnnnnnn!!” He yelled, looking back at the ambling cows who had only just started a little trot down to where we were and that was enough for this brave, hardy man otherwise known as my Dad to lose all integrity and self-worth! He ran full speed towards the five bar gate, unhooking the backpack en route, promptly tossing it over the gate itself and then started to clamber over the thing in the most ungainly and clumsy manner …. However as Mummy and l were just behind him, Mummy promptly opened the gate as it was not locked, pulled it opened and walked calmly through with me, whilst Dad was looking dumbfounded at us. Closed the gate and then waited for Dad to get down!!
Well, l am sure that my readers here today can imagine only too well, just how ‘stupid’ he felt. Mummy and l looked at him, and both of us shook our heads in disbelief!
Dad picked up the backpack, put it on, and all he said was “Let’s not discuss this again please ….. Ever!”
Which we all agreed to, until … today!!
The rest of the walk was not uneventful, but not as exciting in truth. It was at that time, pitch black, we were lost, without a torch, just Mummy’s phone, and Dad holding the white fish and chip bag which when car lights shone on, it reflected back. A three hour walk, became a six hour walk, and we all got home well after intended … but it was really quite the adventure, eh Dad?
Thought l would share, because that, yes that was a real Adventure!
Anyway, thanks for reading and l will catch up with you all soon, enjoy the photos! Also, let me know if your own two leggeds have ever had any exciting ‘moments’ like that please, it always fun to share, isn’t Dad?
Tootle pip from Doodlepip!!
The spooky and mysterious ‘Amblers!!”