Yes, l am very visually sticking my tongue out and laughing my paws off at my two leggeds! Revenge is ‘sweet and sickly!’
Vile Beast of the Swamp!
Here is a small excerpt from yesterday …
“Oh grief, she’s only gone and dropped another SBD! It absolutely stinks; it’s hideous, vile and just downright wrong!” Dad said!
All day l heard this SBD thing, l mean l didn’t even know what an SBD was, but apparently l was ‘dropping them?’ I don’t remember that at all , so l had to ask Dad, what an SBD was and he answered ‘silent but deadly’ and l am still a little in the dark, but l had to hide a snigger, because l was dropping something yesterday, frequently and quietly and l think that my drops and SBD’s are connected! I still find it funny, relaying the story to Dad even now!
“Woof, wuff, wuff!”
Are any of you fans of the Star Wars series? I know it’s random, but trust me it does hold some relevancy to my story today – really and truly it does, but you will have to read it to find out why!
Two leggeds can eat some funny concoctions! As an example, Mummy loves Marmite and banana on her crackers, whilst Dad used to be partial to peanut butter and Twiglet sandwiches! Now interestingly enough l like all of those and l could eat them all on one plate in one sitting mixed together, whereas Mummy and Dad would eat them separately. Mummy would go Yuk, and insist on something called polite ettyket when eating, but Mummy forgets that l am a four legged, l am a dog, l don’t care about being polite when l am eating, because food is food, and it doesn’t matter how you make it pretty it is still food!
Dogs in simpler terms are what you might to call opportunists meaning that we will grab what we can when we want. It doesn’t matter for some of us if we are well fed, or if our diets are balanced, some things just don’t come in pretty packets and are not bought from shops! But just because they are not sold like that doesn’t mean they are less tasty – it just means that some things two leggeds turn their noses up at!
I like snacking, l think you probably gathered that from my first post … do you remember “I Found Banana?” Remember also my adventure with garlic stuffed olives? Some might call that normal snacking of unusual two legged food. I call it just natural, it is natural for me to see food l like and at least sample it. If l don’t like it, l will spit it out or throw it out from the back of my throat! Again a behaviour that is perfectly natural, irrelevant as to whether Mummy and Dad don’t want to clean it up, it’s one of the joys of parenting of a furry child!
Now … we come to the core of today’s story! I have been debating how l try and explain what follows to Dad, because already he is looking a little bit bewildered as to why l am telling this story differently to how he would like to tell it. BUT, l am the series not him, he is just a two legged typist that must remember his position when it comes to Bark Power!!
So l will just have to be direct!
I like eating poop, preferably cat poop, but l am also rather partial to four legged bushy tailed poop, as well as any other poop that smells divine! Although l am not particularly fond of fellow K9 poop, and some of the squidgy running stuff that others species dribble from their behinds! Like the winged things that come into the garden and steal the food from the smaller winged ones!
What? Birds? Oh right, they are called birds then, right thanks for that Dad!
Already Dad’s face is a picture of complete and utter horror and mortification and l jokingly ask myself where is that all important clickitty box when it is needed eh, eh? Because it would just be great for fellow K9 readers to see ‘just how icky’ he finds this subject, because of what happened yesterday!
Despite what two leggeds think, the eating of cat poop is a perfectly natural behaviour … IT IS!! Oh grow up Dad, l am trying to tell my story here … MY STORY, so my readers will totally understand why l did what l did! The problem with eating poop is that it can at times have a couple of issues:
1] It can make your breath smell rather bad [especially when you burp!]
2] It can also make your farts stink – worse than really bad because they become swampy bad, vile swampy bad!
Mummy and Dad try and stop me from eating other poop as much as possible because of so called bacteria that might make me ill. But cat poop, smells like cat food – in truth there is very little difference in my eyes, l like cat food if l can get it, and as l cannot because l am a dog, l go for the next best thing – their poop!
Dad criticises cats these days, because he said that when he was growing up, they used to bury their poop, but now they don’t bother! They just leave it on top of the ground! I don’t know about that, all l know is the cats must be inferior to us dogs, because my poop isn’t buried! Mummy or Dad pick it up off the ground with a bag. That says a lot about the difference between cats and dogs to me, and lends a lot of support to the Power of the Bark! If cats were smarter, they would make their two leggeds pick it up off the ground … but then there would be none to eat, mm, well maybe best not have it picked up at all then!!
Now l should imagine by now that the two leggeds amongst the readership are starting to feel a little bit icky and squeamish reading this [let that be a lesson for reading your K9’s private literature and communications!!] But more importantly, why is today’s story about me eating poop? My four legged friends will already know why?? I only have to once again draw reference to the Star Wars series and mention … Revenge of the Sniff!
Oh yes, does anyone remember Episode 10?? Toy Story?? “Invasion of my private things … against my DOGGY RIGHTS!!?” Anyone amongst the two legged audience remember this? You may well recall, that l very deliberately said at the end of that …
… “l will just smile and bide my time, l will get them back, just you all wait and see!”
Well, there we all were in the house yesterday with both Mummy and Dad complaining about SBD’s and l was lying there letting the stinky ones drop, because l had managed to sneakily locate a nice Slurpee dollop of cat poop on one of the paving slabs outside. I lay there with my gurgling tummy and the slow fermentation of the cats behind contents coursing their way through my body burping and letting them drop! I guess that l was like that for about half the evening!!!!
I swear Dad was at one point turning purple, because l was under his desk and refused to move. Mummy was no better off, for my little lovely whiffs reached all the way to her, and when l decided to let Dad have a break, l would just go and lay beside her, and let some more drop and watched Mummy go green!
Revenge is sweet or sickly, pending the interpretation of the smeller of the delicious scent! Dad called me a vile swamp beast!
But you know what l said and paid a total tribute to the Star Wars series, have you guessed it yet?
That’s right “May the Farts Be with You!!”
Anyway folks just thought l should share that little beauty with the readership – till next time!!
“Tootle pip from Doodlepip!”
“Wuff, wuff, woof, woof [chortle, chortle, snigger, snigger!!”