“If you are easily offended look away now!”
The Naked Strewthpidity of Camp Tantra 1991 – 3
If l received royalties for the phrase “What’s the worst that can happen?” I would be a wealthy man by now. Because l own that phrase, l certainly owned all the disasters that came after the time anyone including myself uttered it! Although knowing my luck, someone has probably coined it to them, so l missed that opportunity!
Water Skiing a la Natural**
However this tale** centres around the second to last day of our five day break under the instruction of Clare’s Father who just happened to be a Tantric Sex Instructor! I dedicate this to Mel and Fandango who were very keen voters in the post The Best Things I have Ever Done Naked!!
The afternoon event for the “Water Skiing” was planned or maybe l should affect the word and call it planing or even skipping like the stones, for 2pm. Clare told me not asked me l hasten to add, that she hasd booked me into the event and that it would be fun, but to most assuredly wear ny bumless speedos! Bumbless means to the layman that l was to not have any fabric covering my buttocks. It is supposed to help you glide through the water and l can without a shadow of a doubt confirm that they do indeed help you glide, plane and skip!
I was somewhat worried about the skiing event and l did try to explain my fear of this to Clare who both pooh poohed it as well as tut tutted it! “Don’t be silly, you’ll be fine, just remember to listen ‘properly to the instruction and you will be ok. Ok?”
I wasn’t convinced, but hell my credo has always been you can’t judge something till you have tried it. Okay at my own concession that philosophy has landed me on more than one occasion in hot water, cold water, troubles galore and the list is actually endless! Almost infinitive, but hey what can l say except ‘l have done shit with my life!’
You see the fear stemmed from an incident when l was between the ages of 10 and 11 and when l lived in Australia and l went on an Father/Son action packed adventure long day weekend with my scout pack! There, my Father also entered me into a skiing event, which went horribly wrong due to a misunderstanding of instruction from the speedboat instructor.
I thought as we were just setting off and l was skiing in the crouched position that the instructor yelled “Get Up”, but he didn’t he actually shouted “Head Up!” However they sound the same, so please remember that. But above the din of the engine and the water rushing around your skis words can get jumbled up! I got up into an upright position too fast and promptly was thrown out of my skis and the action was so fierce, that l hit the back of the speed boat and narrowly escaped being churned up by the rotar. However, l did break a rib on my right side and split my head on the edge of the boat. So my skiing days were considered over for the remainder of the so called ‘action packed holiday!’
My Dad never forgave me for that stupidity, as it ruined the rest of ”’his”’ holiday! I was limited in what l could do and ended up on bushwhacking courses involving foraging with a throbbing right side that had to be strapped up!
So l was somewhat concerned about how the event was going to pan out! However! Clare believed in me, despite everything that had already happened over the days we had spent at Camp Tantra. So l mentally told myself that l would be fine, that l was older and more mature and more worldly now, l even, yes l even muttered to myself “What’s the worst that can happen?” I answered that as well, l said “You’ll fall over into the lake, that’s what pal! Be confident, remember I can do this, l will do this and l AM doing this!” Which was training motto for my trainees, which served as a true confidence motivator!
I know, like shut uuuuuup!
Anyway, l got there, and low and behold who turns out to be the actual ski instructor? Her Father! he asked me if l was familiar with water skiing, to which l answered yes, but l wasn’t very good, and she simply said ‘Follow Clare’s lead.” Not the most helpful thing l had heard, but then l realised that both Clare and l would be tandem skiing!!!
“No!!” I squealed like a piglet, “We can’t do that, what happens if l cause her to crash?”
“Oh do stop it Rory, you’ll be fine, honestly!” Clare snapped but in a funny way. “What are you like?”
“Worried is what l am like Clare, in case you haven’t noticed, bad things happen to me, they follow me around like my damn shadow! I tell you the devil has got shares in me somehow!”
However, both Clare and her Father just thought l was being funny.
“Ok Rory – crouch down, and wait for my signal to lift your head, then follow Clare’s lead and slowly straighten your body and lean back, you’ll be fine, your balance is pretty good.” her Dad explained. “It’s all about balance and confidence!”
I knew then l was going to be in trouble, not with the confidence, but with the balance! The one thing l really didn’t possess was balance! But l knew l was too far in to back out now. I was wearing my bumless speedos and l had my life jacket on, so at least l wouldn’t drown!
Before l knew it, the engine gunned and we were moving, l was in crouch mode, saw Clare within a few seconds slowly move into an upright crouch and l did the same, she then stood and leaned back and l too mimicked her movement and suddenly it dawned on me that l was actually skiing!!
“Woot whoop!” I yelled in excitment, l looked at her and smiled and she smiled back and then literally, lord knows why l gave her a thumbs up. There was a flash of panic in her eyes and then l think she said “Enjoy your swim!” and she was gone, but so too was l .. in the other direction! It’s a strange feeling when you are falling out of the air and into water at speed. In those seconds that seemed like forever, l literally knew that irrelevant to my life jacket, it was going to hurt.
Spectators at the time said it was a remarkable but of clumsiness, that l took off at an unusual angle, was almost in a standstill position for all of a second and then hit the water like a rock, but was still one handedly hanging on to the rope. My ski’s flew off at different angles, and l remember that as one flipped up and hit me in the back. It was that ski, that stopped me performing a Guiness Book of Records belly flop, because it turned me slightly and the speed caused me to change direction and head for the water bottom first!
I knew at that point was a flat sided pebble felt like, for although l only managed three skips on the water with my bare ass cheeks, it felt like twenty! I recall almost like it was yesterday, the slapping motion of water onto my bum! Nothing was remotely attractive or even sexy about it! When l came to stop. I was just glad l was alive. The fall only lasted less than ten seconds, but it had felt like an eternity. I was treading water, and suddenly l saw Clare swimming over to me and her Dad was turning the speedboat around.
“Wow, that was impressive Rory. You probably know this, but novices should keep both hands on the handle right? How are you feeling?” She asked laughing.
“Like l have used sandpaper as toilet paper actually Clare! My bum feels kind of raw if honest!”
“Oh yeah, water can do that, it’s no different to receiving a burn, like a friction burn, especially if you hit it at some speed like you did. Are you ready?”
“Ready? Ready for what Clare?” I asked dreading what came next.
“Some people find it easier to start skiing from the water. For the your next turn silly!” She joked.
“No, no, no, no l can’t Clare. I would love to, but my speedos are no longer on my body for starters and my ass feels like it has been blasted with something. So l might sort of sit this out if you don’t mind. You carry on by all means.”
So l slowly swam back to shore whilst Clare got herself set up and off she went skiing! I reached the water’s edge and slowly almost crawled out of the water onto the banks! It took me almost ten minutes to get up into a standing position and l slowly walked back to our cabin. as people passed me by l heard giggles and comments of “Oooh that’s gotta hurt dude!”
When l reached the cabin, l looked at my ass using a small hand mirror, and saw the damage and oh yes, it looked really awful! My right ass cheek had hit the water first, as that looked like l had some major rash going on, whilst my left ass cheek was only marginally better. I had to go to the camp’s nurse who took one look and whilst trying NOT to laugh, liberally applied some soothing burn ointment and told me to try avoiding sitting down for a couple of days! I hobbled back to the cabin, took up a cushion, and lay on it stomach first in bed, where l fell asleep.
Clare came back in a couple of hours later and looking concerned came over to the bedside , “Oh no, did you see the nurse?”
“Yeah, copy that, she said l’ll live, just need to stay off my ass for a while!”
“That’s brilliant Rory, last day tomorrow and we have the flying fox and you will not want to miss that all the final Frug in the evening!” With that she then added, “Just having a shower to freshen up for dinner, see you in a bit!” As she went, well l don’t know why but she gave my bottom what she considered a gentle and playful slap .. and then she had to help me down from the ceiling!
Blimey, l thought, l hope the flying fox is less painful than this!
I would be again proven wrong! It was way, way worse and l would need a doctor!
But that’s in part 4.