Dear Blog … 16.33 – 10/01/19


Talking Dirty!

We live in this age of modern technology, smart technology where the digital imprint and footprint rule the way forward.

I am not really tech savvy, in some respects l am almost a relic! i am somewhat modernistic in my thinking, no that’s wrong, l am more than just a little bit, l am way more than my Father was. But this is only because l am willing to be open to so much more than he ever was – he tended to live in the era of Victoriana, and refused to accept many changing cultures, beliefs and opinions. But he was no different to many of our elders in the mid yo late 70’s and 80’s. they knew a different world to where we are now.


That’s not defence of him, because he was way worse than some, but it is a form of defence to those who struggle to keep up with not just technology but the way our society now weaves. Things that we see every day today simply were not in full activity as little as five years ago, and many more to boot are now part of our daily lives than they were at the start of the millenium.

We are 19 years in to the new century and we can all look back and say blimey look how far we have come!

Now back to my savviness or lack of it. When l was at school, we didn’t have computers, we had calculators but when we went into exams we were to use our brains. i have heard that they allow the use of calculators now, that’s just astonishing?

When l was kid l was in awe of video – wow, but back then we didn’t have regulations l mean, l watched the original Texas Chainsaw Masaacre unedited, gore and all at 13, as l did the original graphic film Assault on Precinct 13 [yeah that’s right not the remake]. Back then, we had just got a TV remote, but we didn’t have a video remote!

Back then, Television was a case of four channels – 1 – 4, Channel 5 was around in my teens. there were no advance recordings, there was none of this pause whilst you watch, nor was there any Netflix or Amazon Prime, l mean we didn’t have Internet.

So Smart TV’s were not a thing l knew about, and the sad thing is that some forty years l am still not that savvy either! Despite that technology being in my life today.


I have a desktop PC and l have an old fashioned mobile phone, it’s a brick, it has four functions only make and take calls and make and take texts. That’s it, ooh it has a very poor quality camera, and it might have a torch, so okay six functions. But l only use it to text Suze or my Mother. I have a £3.00 pcm PAYG contract with Virgin which entitles me to all sorts of goodies, but l never use them, because my phone is one of the foundation bricks to the beginning of time! The only reason l pay £36 py is so that l have 300 texts and 100 minutes of air time which are two of the goodies, per month, which l don’t even use.

Now, l know how to do certain things, l can switch on and off my PC, can do the same with my phone. I can turn the TV on and off as well. The damn thing is a so called Smart TV. We have a 48″ TV, a DVD, a sound bar and a Freesat box. All are supposedly connected ……… supposedly.

I didn’t set them up, because l am just … not … that … savvy! But Suze did. You see, Suze is real savvy on these things. Of the many ‘faults’ l have that she is constantly ribbing me about, one of them is that l am not practical, and she’s right, l really am not practical!

Suze has a Smartphone, a Laptop, applications galore and the head to go with all of the practical applications – she is awesome! I tell you no lie! If l have a problem, l ask Suze, it’s easier. I learned from a young age, that if YOU don’t know how to do stuff, then find people who do and utilise their skill set! She used to work as a BA Business Analyst for Systems Applications and Products Data Processing what a mouthful!Otherwise known as a SAP BA. Smart cookie to say the very least!

Anyway, why all this banter l hear you ask?

Well the other night, l was sitting on the couch being patient with the so called Smart TV. Shut up, l was being patient, but for some reason l can never get my head around 100 million channels on cable and everything else. I like simple TV’s. I like to turn it on, remote channel it, have sound that works and switch it off again when done.

However that wasn’t working that way last night, and l may … may have been getting a little irked. Okay, l was muttering and cursing! I was doing everything l was supposed to be doing and it wasn’t working, nada, zilch! Nothing. So then l started to chunter and for those not in the know, chuntering is cursing and muttering together. It drives Suze nuts!

An example of chuntering … “Fricking, frucking, chunter, chunter, muntercrap, crapodoodle, crud, chunter, chunter, munter, munter and muttering!!” Remember Wacky Races? Here’s a classic example of ‘chuntering’ .. Muttley rocks!

Well my chuntering irks Suze more than my simple cursing and muttering it has to be said. So Suze normally so calm and sedate, marches over and grabs the remote control from me, with the comment of ‘Ask a man to do a simple thing!” Then proceeds to try and sort out the so called Smartypants TV!

The problem was that because of all of this so called smart technology, and application set up. That these days you can’t just switch on a Freesat box and try and watch a TV programme that has already aired in whatever it’s called programming unless you have registered your Freesat box with you inner thigh measurement, the amount of teeth you have and your email and code specific password, but ultimately it’s all about registering! Now l don’t touch base with that kind of thing because whilst l have the patience of a team of thirsty oxen mostly, little annoying things frick me off to the point of no return. So Suze attends to this. Because in her language and that was the same as last night “I can do these things because they are easy, unlike you who seemingly struggles with the basics … Lord knows how you have even got to your current age!

That’s love right there folks! Her tolerance is uncanny!

However …………. it seems that even Suze has her limits?

After she had fiddled with the Stupidist Smartypants Tv for ten minutes, l could sense that smile of mine creeping upon on my face. “Babes, did you register the codes with the box for this channel?”
“Duh! Of course!”
“Okay, sure, l will leave it to you then. You know what you are doing.”
“Are you being funny?”
“NO! Not at all, this is clearly your domain. I was just asking, that’s all. Just a small tinsy wincy question that’s all, because it’s asking on the bottom right of the screen if you have registered?”

So another fifteen minutes of fiddling, and then l hear this explosion from her, now she is in full chunter mode!

“What’s up?” I ask.
“I haven’t bloody registered the bloody code, this stupid poxy bloody technology is doing my fricking, frucking muntingcrud, poxydoodling head in. Bah! Why are you smiling, are you laughing at me??”
“Oh lord no babes, no not at all … it’s just, well, you know how turned on l get when you start talking dirty!”

I think it’s the first time in a very long time that l actually ran out of the loungerrom, it was either that or risk a sexy projectile in the shape of a remote control making contact with my head.

She was good in the end, she fixed it, because she is just Awesome Saucy Suze!

Dear Blog ……




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