Dear Blog – Once Open, Seen, Unforgotten!

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Dear Blog – Once Open, Seen, Unforgotten!

In truth, l didn’t have the choice to decline the task and in the same breath, l wanted the job because l didn’t want my Sister fluffing it up. Also, she didn’t want the job, under any circumstances she didn’t want the boring task of rifling through my Father’s paperwork. At her own concession she is not a reader, an furthermore doesn’t want to nor has she ever read any of my Father’s self-published novels to date. She would say “Don’t know why he bothered, he’s not famous, therefore he has nothing of value to say!”

I beg to differ with that statement quite profoundly – l think my Father did have something to say, and in the case of his fiction stories he expresses many of those things very well. His autobiography pre-marriage is worthwhile reading, yes he does lie a bit there as well, so nothing new, during and post marriage reading, not so brilliant, but of course, that’s me saying that as his Son, and to those who did know the truth about my Father – as in who he was, what he believed in and didn’t and what he stood for and also didn’t. Whilst others oblivious to him, would never know the difference and would be as they were in absolute awe and utter fascination with his adventures.

My Father did lead an active life, he crammed quite a lot into it and there were episodes in his life that he was immensely proud of. However, he was never a happy man, and for those of you following the My Father in Reflection series, you will know that examples of him being at his absolute happiness were found when he was serving in the RAAF. But he didn’t enjoy much more of his life. he wasn’t the thoughtful loving caring husband he made himself out to be, nor was he a doting loving Father to his children, although he treated his Daughter like a princess and yet treated his Son as if he were a pauper.

His diaries were somewhat boring , and what l didn’t discard l kept for current reading, because from the mid 70’s he started to pen his thoughts in larger diaries and with the aid of a magnifying glass l can actually read his scrawl, which as l have said before is at least cursive scrawl and way better than my mismatched penmanship.

His estate administrations were not so much a fascinating read, but more of interesting and damning read as well as intriguing and baffling at times. The man was a distinct paper hoarder and whilst he did what he could to save the tiger, he cared not two whits for the likes of perhaps recycling and the decimation of our forests! That is, however through experience the way of the world l have found of a lot of ‘eco conservationalists who only really hyperfocus on parts of conservation, and care very little for other parts.

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My Father’s Pandora Box

I feel sure many of you are familiar with the story of Pandora’s Box, which principally breaks down into ‘a source of great and unexpected troubles’, or in simpler and more crude terms, once you open it, you might not like what you see and can never close it again. As in the seen is seen and cannot be unseen!

You may further recall, seeing this image above before in one of my Dear Blog episodes in October of last year, as in this displays clearly the entire administration of my Father’s estate. His stories, diaries, letters, novels, bank statements and general paperwork of everything to do with my Father.

I prepred the probate paperwork from his bank statements for the solicitor, and especially the last seven years as in legal requirements for gifting, but in addition to those seven years l read every single bank statement from 2018 – 2000. It was something l now wish l hadn’t done.

You see, l am currently carrying around in addition to my own stress load an absolute disgust and displeasure at the relationship between my Father and my Sister, and the confirmation of the previously mentioned ‘princess vrs. pauper‘, attitude that she held and my Father didn’t squash but only fuelled further, for whatever reason.

I don’t know if my Father actually truly hated me, but it comes pretty close to it at times, perhaps he despised me for my honesty and truth and of course for my knowledge and memories of what and who he really was. Whereas my Sister for the recompense of financial support rejected any of her previous memories about her Father’s behaviour when we lived together as a family.

My Sister must think me stupid or a fool, and l remember clearly a comment from her to me in 2014, when l suggested that our Father was on the Autistic Spectrum, and that did she perhaps think that her Son, from the little l knew of him, was also on there? She found this question as an outright despicable attack on our Father and her Son? Her response was and l quote “Our Father is a great, great man – you can never even come remotely close to walking in his footsteps, because you are a silly retarded man who uses this nonsense of Asperger’s as an excuse to live life!”

Phew, pretty sterm words l thought at the time, but l wasn’t shocked, because l had already heard those words, almost to the I and T from my Father when l suggested to him in 2012 that l believed he was also on the spectrum because of the very nature of his behaviour.

But of course in his eyes, l was being rude to him, because he considered me retarded and stupid, and that if l was suggesting that he had Asperger’s also, then l was calling him retarded as well.

I have never called anyone that not even in jest, plus l have never used my Asperger’s as an excuse to live my life or not. I have Asperger’s, l sit on the spectrum of autism, but it is just a part of me, it’s not all of me. I had Asperger’s when l wasn’t diagnosed, and all the latter did was answer some very poignant questions l had on my life. It’s who l am, and l have accepted it into my life, it helped me understand who l was … finally something was able to award me logical answers to my own quirkyness!

But having opened my Father’s box, it has in the process damaged me, not being overly dramatic but it has. I cannot even for the sake of ‘peace’ and to get the task ahead of me as in the final throes of my Father’s estate [the boxing up] host the thought of working in the same environment as my Sister.

Since Dad’s death l have gone in and started to break down the house readying it for entry onto the sales market, where has my Sister been? No where, she couldn’t do it. But now she wants to work with me in a couple of weekends time together boxing stuff. Which l know she will not do, she wants me there to make it easier on her. Because when l set my mind on a project l don’t stop till it’s done. But with everything l have now seen and read l have a volcanic anger floating in my head with regards that woman. If she was to say something remotely sarcastic l would fly off the handle and fire six barrels of truth and reality into her make believe fantasy world. Which might not be helpful.

I cannot even think of being under the same roof with her, that’s where my anger is at concerning my Sister. Who only wants me there to do the heavy shit whilst she foo foo’s around with pixie dust for all l know! She has had all this time to attend to the content of our Father’s house for months and hasn’t once lifted her hands to anything practical. Even when l emailed her the list of all jobs before Christmas which held lots of smaller jobs, she has done nothing.

I have enough problems of my own and more so with the decline of power in my right arm, but l have enough adrenaline and gritted teeth determination and energy reserves to get on with a last major boxing session before surgery sometime later this month or early next. So plan to go up there on the night of the Saturday 12th and stay till Tuesday 15th armed with loads of boxes and l will work till the bloody job is done. Suze will help me briefly on the Saturday, and pick me up again on the Tuesday evening. By which time the house should be 100% boxed up. But l will not tell my Sister until l am literally about to start the job in hand.

I am lucky l guess, l can work like an automated robot when l need to, so don’t need that much sleep, plus l do work better by myself and with my arm problems whilst it’s not an ideal situation, isn’t that what the surgery is about? Repairing the damage, so if l strain it a bit more and have more pain, at least it will get fixed. 

My Sister wants to work as a couple on the 19th/20th of this month, but l don’t play the silly games other people play in so far as for the ‘sake of getting the job done and keeping the peace’, and less so when l know l will be the one in the main doing it anyway, arm injury or not. But with this volatile anger, l cannot under any circumstances work with that woman!

As said l didn’t have the choice, not really of not opening this box, it was either open it and face the consequences or let my Sister basically fuck it all up, and perhaps have the tax people freeze the estate whilst they sorted out her lies, because she most assuredly would have lied with regards the paperwork and the truth. I wish Dad had taken my advice in 2015 and paid the £175 to the solicitors to handle all the administrations. Whilst my Sister and l most likely wouldn’t be friends, l might not have ended up hating who she too had become.

Have you ever been in that situation? When you carry such an anger for someone that you know a volcano would erupt if you found yourself in the same vicinity?

Dear Blog ……

7 thoughts on “Dear Blog – Once Open, Seen, Unforgotten!

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  1. I will have all this to come but I already know I’ll be walking away from my excuse of a family when my dad dies. The only reason I haven’t now is I don’t want to have regrets where he’s concerned like I have with my mother. The inequality in our treatment is profound and if I let it be, truly upsetting.
    I have decided to look at it differently. My brothers and sister have had extensive ‘gifts’. All three have had houses and holidays paid for out the wazoo. I have never had so much as a box of diapers bought for any of my kids! They’ve had 2-3 holidays paid for every year etc. I’ve never had as much as a bus ticket.. but I can survive quite nicely without being bought. They won’t know what to do when the bank of dad closes. Whilst he hasn’t given anything, he hasn’t taken anything either. I have my self respect and autonomy and I can pick or choose where I travel or where I live. All his financial aid hasn’t made them nice people. They spend all their time looking to see what each other have or get and backstabbing each other (and me!!) Ultimately, him giving me nothing has given me far more.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Helen,

      It’s a truly nasty business sorting out Death estates and l wouldn’t envy you and yours when the sad time arrives, because it sounds like you have more siblings than l do.

      Jenny and her children were treated like royalty, l was ostracised not just by her, or my Father but so too by my Mother on more than one occasion, and quite recently to boot.

      I am not going to work with her, l simply can’t for my own integrity and mental well being. She is so like my Father it’s frightening, but what less can l come to expect from a daughter who hasn’t really in theory been in charge of her own destiny for the last eighteen years?

      Her bank of dad has now closed and she is feeling it, dreadfully, l am glad. I am not naturally a spiteful person, but l have a long memory whether at times l want to or not, and l don’t forget easily the degradations she and he spouted off to me. I can’t sting her without injuring myself and l am simply not prepared to walk away from my inheritance, at least l was on the Will. Dad l think realised the monster he had created in 2015 and yet still kept feeding her and allowing her to ruin his health, induce more stress and whilst he was changing his bitterness towards her then thrashed out against me instead of her!

      She expects Suze and l fork out for having the house painted internally a cost of close to £1000 and whilst that as an expense can be reclaimed, l have told her that my little bit of savings will not be covering that, as l have already paid out nearly that alone in other things. if she wants to paint the house, she does it and then claims it back, and not my problem if she doesn’t have the funds to do so .. sadly she can’t ring up Dad and ask him give her the money because he is DEAD! Which wasn’t well received, “Tough fuck shit!” is what l said to her. “Now you are going to have to realise what it means to not have a bottomless pit to draw on”

      So our relationship is not good anyway.

      But as you know and haven’t written, whilst you can look at it differently, it doesn’t make it any less painful at times.

      Keep well x

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I completely understand harboring negative feelings toward family, but you asked if I, the reader, would harbor anger toward a family member. I harbor frustration toward family, and believe me, it takes a lot of deep breaths when either she is here or on a rant 1500 miles away, but anger? No. Anger destroys oneself and I am not self-destructive. I am selfish in that regard. I treat family, all of my family now after what my brother said over Christmas, with detachment… nothing more. They are simply another human being who, if ever found themselves in need, would find the same response I give everyone. I know you have not been treated fairly, but getting angry at them serves no purpose other than to hurt yourself. If I were in your shoes, I would take a deep breath and treat them like passersby. People who will soon be out of your life. It sucks when they are family, but be selfish Rory and do what is best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes you are 100% right in what you say Teresa. The anger is pointless, l had thought of writing my Sister a very’stern letter’ ha! It would fall on deaf ears and blind eyes. Suze is agreeance with you or would be if awake. However, we have decided to go to the house for a recce on sunday, make a few notes and then l will goo in and box up over the dates l mention. Jenny can then handle everything else after that, afterall all she wants is the glamour bit of selling the house.

      I will have depleted any remaining energy l have left after boxing everything up anyway, and will be pretty useless physically, but at least in my own mind l can say ‘l have done more than my share’. I am planning on walking away after the house is sold. I have no doubts in my mind my Sister will be doing the same.

      But yes, l am going to be selfish here, this whole scenario has turned fast into a dog eat dog situation, something l don’t feel terribly comfortable with, but l have to get through the only way l know how.

      Liked by 1 person

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