Dear Blog … 16.35 – 26/12/18

adult-2242164_960_720

Olive Branches

It is said that those of us on the Spectrum of Autism, have no or very little empathy for another – l do know this to be absolute bollocks. Whilst l at my own concession don’t always fully display the 100% sympathy and empathy that others show to their fellows on this planet of ours, my defence would be that l don’t suffer fools gladly and that after many years of being burned my cynicism, is sometimes higher than it should be, or in other words l do not always believe some stories of woe as told by another.

Every one of us has stress, anxiety, depression and a story or reflection that might cause others to go “Oh no that’s terrible’, but of course it is ‘reflective’ upon each individual as to how bad it might be. One person’s high stress and anxiety might only be a scale of low on another person, it matters not – if that person is suffering from genuine stress or sadness l can relate and l try what l can to help if able.

If l was a shallow person, l wouldn’t worry continually as an example here in WordPress as l do, that l am simply not able to get to every single one of my reader’s blogs daily or even weekly or monthly, and that l am only human and l can only do what l can, when l can and how l can. I try to be community orientated as best as l can, by sharing, tagging or simply calling out attention to another’s blog to those who perhaps are not yet familiar with that other’s writing. But l still feel guilty that l cannot visit all the blogs every day. Of course it’s all about balance.

I am rather selfish l think, l like to write, and write and continue to empty out of my head what seems at times a hundred thousands thoughts cascading down from my brain into my mind’s eye and then to my fingertips to keyboard and often l either forget or am so hyperfocused on writing that l do not always have the time to visit another’s blog as often as they might frequent my postings. I do what l can.

I reach out where l can – so dispelling this ‘myth’ that Aspergian’s are unable to express empathy.

A Few weeks ago my Sister threw at me as you may recall that l displayed no sentiment towards the passing of my Father with regards my wishing to get his estate sorted before the end of this year. Whilst l have never denied that l was not sobbing uncontrollably in the corner Blair Witch style at his demise, l did take time out and gave thought to my Father’s life and his death and of course l reflected upon his relationship with me as his Son. We didn’t have the greatest of Father Son friendships, ours was like his towards his own Father, which whilst they loved each other, it was no more than that, and so too was my own relationship with my Father. We loved each other, but that was it.

I have been reading and posting my Father’s stories and memoirs to my blog, whilst l slowly lay this mans ghost at my feet so that l can move on. Is this a form of grief? I don’t think so, one more of fascination, and a form of quest to find out why he became the way he did towards the end. Something which l think will be forever lost to me. But in all honesty, l did my grieving for him the day he died. With this process l do him more honour that he ever showed to me. He willingly decided to spend more time with his Daughter than he did his Son. Fine, his choice and because of that decision, we drifted apart emotional and personally – that’s the way of life.

My Sister of course had a different friendship with her father and that was motivated by two prime concerns, one their ickly emotive feelings of Little Princess’ and ‘Daddy Darling’ pet names. and the fact she has two children, and my Father wanted to be seen as a hero to all of them. His hero status purely was that of a walking talking wallet as far as my Sister was concerned, and her emotional sentiment even now is not so much on his loss, but her loss of his finances. She simply has no one to call up and say “Daddy Darling, can you let me have …?” Anymore to.

When my Father became ill, in the early days my Sister was willing to communicate with her Brother, the two of which had not talked like Brother and Sister on any level since 2000, and more so since her divorce from AH [Arsehole as was the pet name allocated by Dad to her ex-husband] From that point in time, Dad at sometimes ruinous expense to his own bank balance gave into my Sister whatever whims she had. However for reasons unbeknownst to me, a rift had developed between us at around the same time of her divorce 2007, although it was starting to show itself in 2000, and it remained intact till this year.

I had tried over the years to reignite a friendship with my Sister, but she didn’t want to know … I was never good enough, l was stupid, retarded and not worth bothering with. They were her words. Even in 2015, when Suze and l had been visiting my Father, my Sister turned up and when we left she had viciously criticised Suze, but later said it was my Father that had said those things.

My Sister told me at the start of my Father’s illness that she was very close to her ‘Daddy’, that she was always over at his house. Yet my Father in 2015 maintained that my Sister was no longer really talking to him, and less so since he had bought her a 75% mortgage.

During the stripping down and reading of my Father’s administrative estate l have since learned that things were not rosy between them, not to the extent she is maintaining, she hardly spoke to him except to ring up for money. His letters to her are pretty damning, not so much loving or even tender anymore but written from a man who no longer trusted his daughter. His bank statements reflect just how much money he had allowed her to have and those alone are shocking reading.

In their eyes, both l was the pauper of the family and not worth two halfpennies rubbed together. The rift whilst may not have been started by him as my Sister maintains was actually fuelled by her but he didn’t do anything to stop it initially because she was his Golden Child who could do no wrong.

She simply wanted to have all his money and fuck the Son.  Not bitterly written either by me here , but l have seen the black and white correspondence between them both in 2015. Where upon it was one sided and he was shocked at her venom. His Will changed that year, from her being sole executive, l was suddenly made a joint executor.

Of course this move has caused her to become a right little madam, and proven more so this year. I have had a reasonably good Christmas, Suze, Scrappy and l, a couple of friends, a few good belly laughs, it’s good to laugh.

I received no wishes from my Sister this Christmas, l am not bothered after all, the last time she actually bade me greeting was 1999, so l wasn’t shocked. I sent her a card this year, and a small gift. The first time since that year, l thought l would to show willing. I have done so anyway in FB since 2009, and yet l have never received an answer from any of those either. I have wished Jenny Happy Birthday, Christmas and New Year for 9 years and not once received any response.

Once more here we are in 2018, l receive nothing back, therefore finally proving to me where l stand in so far as her view of her Brother.. … l have tried my best with her.

Maybe her flung statement of me is right then … Oh well, l foresee that 2019 and very soon, is going to come as a shock to my Sister in more ways that she can possibly imagine, and all that will further do is prove to her that l do indeed have no sentiment at all l guess….

Dear Blog ……

 

 

5 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 16.35 – 26/12/18

  1. Great post, Rory!

    I particularly like your personal story posts, and I think you could consider turning your Father series into an actual book, but that’s by the by.

    re: you reading the blogs of others, etc.

    Blogging, imo, is the one place we can be self-indulgent and selfish, enjoy those as being good for us, and throw off those obligatory rituals and rhythms of social life.

    I don’t get the impression that you lack empathy. Really depends on how a person defines empathy and we all define it differently… so what is it really? There’s a cognitive scientist and psychologist who has written a book called – Against Empathy – he’s not against it per se he’s just a bit fed up of how it has become overused to manipulate and judge people. We’re all so afraid of being viewed as not being empathetic enough. Why?

    You do blogging your way, and lots of people love it, most importantly you love it – so keep on doing it your way.

    re: dad and sis

    Have you ever considered that perhaps your father trusted you to take care of yourself, you didn’t need him, you didn’t need his money, he had no hold over you, he had nothing to offer you and he’d effed up so many times that his pride made him keep his distance. You’re the one who succeeded to become independent, free, and didn’t need nor want him.

    Your sister on the other hand is a mess and since she was his daughter = responsibility, he felt obliged to look after her because she couldn’t and wouldn’t make it on her own. He gave her money and in return she gave him perhaps the punishment he felt he deserved.

    I get the feeling that at the end there, he realised some big too late. Or maybe he always knew it but couldn’t admit it.

    But that’s just based on reading your more personal posts, including your father’s writing, and the impressions I got from them.

    Keep doing your thing your way – what other way are you going to do it?

    1. Hey Ursula – First and foremost Merry Christmas to you.

      An excellent assessment 🙂

      I didn’t want the things from my Father that my Sister wanted and had from him, you are quite right. In fact since l turned 40, or 2003. he and l had a very frank discussion regarding his bullying ways and from that year he knew where he stood with me and he didn’t like it.

      My Sister was willing to be bought, and so too were her memories of us all growing up in the household as a family – she maintained for many years she remembers none of the abuse towards my Mother and myself or that she didn’t see it, and yet a few weeks ago she conceded she had chosen to forget it.

      What l had really yearned for was a Father, and l never got that, and as l wasn’t willing to recognise him as a hero, he wouldn’t let me have just a Father from him, and so our lives as father and son fell apart. For me that is the saddest part, l grieve, but only for what could have been, and not for what was.

      My Sister and l will never be friends and l rather foolishly perhaps maybe had hoped that we would be, but with everything that has now passed and her constant and continued lying pre and post Dad’s death, that l can now see is just a whimsical from me, such is life.

      I have given a lot of thought to your first suggestion with regards my Father’s stories, as there are many things here that will never even see blog air time, for the time being with the many writing projects l have it is something that will be given much deeper considerations when my mind has been emptied of my own adventures and l wish to sit down and dedicate times to some serious writing.

      Yes of course l know what you say is true, our blogging style is very self indulgent of us, it is our space to let go to spill out to vent equally as much to discover and explore who we are. Even with a 100 hour day l would still be the same as l am with a mere 24 hours.

      Thankyou for your comments here today Ursula,

Comments are closed.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: