Dear Blog … 22.47 – 23/12/18


Stronger for a little bit longer.

In the last week, l have noticed that the neck and shoulder pain has intensified to spasms almost every hour of one sort of another. I can only guess that my shoulder has deteriorated further and is now on the path of absolute disintergration. It has been a serious struggle to remain upbeat over the last few days. I am now taking as far as l am concerned the wrong tablets however that is all that is being prescribed and confirmed so what other choices do l have? Very few.

One Ibuprofen 400mg in addition to two co-codamol Zentivas at 500mg every four hours, and this 1400mg, isn’t enough to stay off the pain, and with the increase, all it does it knock it down to 30% pain relief.

Sleeping is now a pretty tricky issue, being a natural sleep on my right side person, now results in awaking in agony if l sleep badly on the shoulder, meaning most days l awaken feeling tireder than l was already tired before going to bed. I feel sure many of you will have seen me up at silly o’clock in the last week or so, and that is because l now only go to bed when l am dead on my feet, and most times l fall asleep in my computer chair and end up going to bed at around 4am.

My right arm spends most of its time in a state of numbness now, from the top of the shoulder down to the fingertips and if not that, then l am back to horrific pins and needles.

The spasms are so frequent now, l have sadly gotten used to them, and the only time l have to lie down is if l feel a real aggressive one moving in towards the kill switch. I have to avoid stress at all costs now as the slightest sign and my neck reacts violently to it. So am trying to have very little interaction with my Sister as she is just one big pile of … yeah stress!

For a while l wasn’t able to walk Scrappy due to her fidgetness whilst fitting her harness snapped my shoulder out of sync, but l am back on the morning duty of that, which l look forwards to, well in so far as spending time with her, as we are both limpy and lumpy now, but like her l cannot walk that far without becoming knackered after short distances, made worse by the fact we live in a relatively hilly village and l have found that walking both up and down the hills causes me all sorts of grief with my neck.

Car journeys are also a real big no no currently. The juddering, shuddering and jolting of the car even on small smooth travelling cause major problems, which is highlighted even more so by the ineffective tablets. Even normal sitting is proving annoying now. If l attempt to sit up straight l am in agony, equally as much if l lean forwards, it’s a huge no win situation.

In all, whilst l am not at the pits of hell in so far as depression, l am finding it really hard work to keep positive and stave off the negativity. I had stupidily rather hoped l would have had this problem sorted by now by the NHS, but l am sorely disappointed in the progress there. Very, very bitterly saddened by the fact that l have to experience so much raw pain, which anyone will tell you and therefore confirm what l am saying, just debilitates your resolve to stay strong.

I still write and sure l know l do too much for my health, but it’s not really that much really, not as in me writing lots of long content for hours, because l can’t – writing is just caning me each and every day, but l work my blog to keep motivated.

The good news is that l have another MRI on the 5th January, why they need another who knows, however they do, and l am hoping that the results of this will deliberate action to fix my shoulder problem, because until that is performed, no one can look at my neck.  I am looking forwards to this more than Christmas, as the latter is just another day. But l have nearly had this pain for a full year, and it has weakened me so much now, that l am very close to just walking away from everything – NO, l don’t mean suicide! I mean just walking away from the blog – because that is how close depression really is now.

I just need to be stronger for a little bit longer.

Dear Blog ……

8 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 22.47 – 23/12/18

  1. I truly understand as I too deal with daily (and nightly) pain. I really do understand the feeling that you have had enough, and want to walk away. So sorry it has come to thus. Also so sorry that thus da ned NHS is not helping you like it should. Same old, same okd, sadly. Well, let’s hope that the MRI shows up what’s wrong and that something can be done about it, much sympathy for you here

    1. Good morning Lorraine, thank you.

      Thankfully they do know the issues that are causing this problem, it’s just the time it is taking to get progression forwards. only this morning l returned from walking my dog and l have found an appointment letter for another x-ray,l am guessing that this and the MRI will tie in to finally getting the operation l need awarded to me to fix the shoulder and then we can tackle the pinched nerve.

      My shoulder basically has collapsed through what they are classing as abnormal wear and tear, and l think this may have come around as a result of my business of working with animals and the lifting l had to do for many years. Because the shoulder has collapsed in such an aggressive way it has caused the nerves to cease normal functioning from between c5 – c7 and down into my right arm and this places pressure into the spinal cord and the nerve is now constantly popped out.

      If the shoulder gets repaired then functionality can resume and all l have to then do is rebuild the strength in my right arm with physiotherapy. Sounds simple when l write it all out like this. But as you are all too aware, when we have to live with the damage and the aftershocks and the pain continually, that’s a different story altogether.

      Thanks for stopping by.


      1. Well here’s to some better stuff fir you in the New Year Rory. Yes I do understand about Pain. It’s bloody awful. But I really hope you can get sorted. I dudn’t know you had worked with animals. I love animals. Anyway have as good a Christmas as possible. Lorrainr

        1. Same to you Lorraine, Christmas greetings of the merry kind to both you and your husband – Have a lovely time 🙂

          Yep, here’s to 2019 – may it award us all what we seek 🙂

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