Dear Blog … 12.35 – 17/12/18


Positively Negative,

Since Friday l have heard the term negative energy used twice in communication towards me. First was from one of my Father’s friends who lives not far from his house. She is in fact was the lady who helped me rehome Jacqui cat, and the second person was Suze only last night.

The first was Maisey [name changed], who emailed me last Friday, who is still trying to find out about Jacqui and keeps pestering the rehomers for information how she is and requesting updates. She refuses to accept my advice of ‘We have done our job, Jacqui is now in a loving environment and that is the best outcome, so why don’t you let it be?’

She answered with ” … not sure about jackie..”

I responded with, “Well, l would disagree with that l think that as Jacqui has been rehomed we should allow the foster home to allow her to settle in.”

She further responded with this ...”there is a lot of negative energy around, almost as if your dad was not ready to leave  ; i feel this way.”

I found this last line somewhat odd to say the very least, but not unusual. I say this because Maisey hasn’t actually been inside my Father’s house since the 18th October, which was the day he died. She showed up at the door and speaking to my Sister and Mother insisted that she should be allowed to take something from my Father’s house as that was Polish tradition. Well, literally an hour after my Father’s death, this request was not well received, and whilst l understand the tradition, l think Maisey’s timing was somewhat out of sync to the events of that moment. More alarming is the fact that she was one of my Father’s best mates, and if anyone should be aware of his disposition regarding life, it would have been her.

My Father’s attitude towards living life since 2010 had changed considerably, and more so since 2015 when he started to become very aware of his end of life. But he knew no joy, he didn’t enjoy life, or so he maintained to those that would listen. However, he existed day in day out. I would have to say that l don’t think he wanted to go out the way he did as in dying with Cancer. But, l think that in some ways he welcomed the release from his continued misery.

But it was the negative energy aspect, because that is the bit that l too have experienced more so in his house when l have been there. I have considered saging the property, but with so much movement ongoing and also the continued presence of volatility and negative energy between siblings now is not the time to exorcise the hiddens.

My Father’s house was allowed to go to rack and ruin, there was no love within, except maybe a disjointed and obsessional love for yesterday, not for the things inside the house, for as you will have read quite recently he would exchange everything just to be back with Jeanne, and that was never going to happen, so from 1998 – 2018 my Father merely eeked out a way of surviving.

He was his own worst enemy in many ways. Instead of moving along with his life, he simply turned his house into a shrine to their lost love, and then instead of keeping it maintained he allowed it to dust up, rot away and lie dormant.

So, yes there is a negative energy on that level, it’s sadly become part of the house, the house is basically unhappy and wants to be loved again, it wants to become a home again, not some kind of sunken vault.

My Sister and l cannot work together in the same house, it will never happen, she has a lot of hostility towards me, that l do not believe for one minute is fresh, but ancient sibling rivalry, that has been allowed to fester since the start of the millenium. Did my Father fuel it? Yes, he did, and he did so wittingly, l can now confirm that officially.

On my last visit, l downloaded a Gig of documentation from my Father’s PC to a memory stick. – here we can thankfully find the stories and tales he has written since 2000 alongside all of his manuscripts. This was a blessing in discovery as it meant that l didn’t have to copy all the printed off stories. But it also held incriminating evidence about my Father’s lack of equality between his children.

My Sister referred to him as Daddy Darling, and she was his “Little Princess”, in some cases it is quite sickening, but it clearly displayed to me how much more he favoured her as his child than he did his Son. Many a time he would go penniliess to help her and her children, and more so when she was experiencing divorce.

He defends his actions, with lines of “It was an acrimonious divorce, and l couldn’t have my daughter suffer such outrages!”

Oh bless her, how terrible… the little princess might get upset! What a tragedy …!!

My Sister and l entered divorce proceedings with our partners more or less at the same time in 2007. When l notified my Father just to let him know, his answer was “Your sister’s got in first tough luck! I am helping her financially!!”

“No Dad, keep your poxy money pal, l was just letting you know as you are my Father and l am your Son!”

From 2007 – 2018 my Father helped my Sister financially and long after her children moved out as in 2014. My Father took my Sister and her children on glamorous holidays abroad and acted like he was her partner more than her Father. He basically bailed her out of everything, and the end result is that she is a spoiled and at times somewhat dimwittish nicompoop!

My Sister’s divorce was battled out financially with words with top solicitors my Father paid for, meanwhile l had a good solicitor and a part grant. But in consideration to Jenny’s ‘wordy war’, mine was a nightmare, heaps of the most horrendous stress that resulted in one occasion of having to go to casuality after being beaten up by her ‘lovers’ friends. We were still in the matrimonial home owned by her own Father until l moved out in February 2007 with my mentalness barely intact.

My ex wife had supposedly had a miscarriage in December 2006 caused by the stress which is why l was beaten up, as l was the culprit for still living in the same house, but had managed to give birth to a child the following year in 2007. We were officially divorced in 2008. To say there was a difference between my Sister’s divorce and mine was an understatement. I had debts from legal bills which l managed to pay off in 2011, but at least l did it!

My Sister will feel the loss of her Father more so than l , but not for the reasons she states as in ‘grief’, but l should imagine shock and horror that now she no longer has “Daddy Darling” and his wallet at her disposal. Yes, l think that might be slowly sinking in.

However, whilst l do my utmost to play this inheritance game legally, and as diplomatically as l can, my Sister is filled with a genuine hatred for me. More so as l am a joint executor, and she doesn’t want me on her money as she classes it. What she doesn’t know yet … is that reading all these documents has revealed who she really is to me.

Did my Father leave all this documentation in because he wanted me to find it, her to find it or because he became too ill to remove it, or maybe he had forgotten it was there. We will never know, but l do know that my Sister didn’t wish to do any of the paperwork, and so left that to me. I believe if she had known of the content in here, she may have rethought that decision.

So l don’t doubt that there is negative energy in Dad’s house, but l do doubt the thought that he didn’t want to go.

The second time l heard the phrase ‘negative energy’ was from Suze last night, when she casually asked “Do you think this stuff from your Father’s has brought negative energy into our house?”

I answered, no, l don’t believe it has. The things we have brought back, those needing to either be sorted, sifted, sold or destroyed are just things. She then made reference to the GIG of documentation, which whilst at times l am getting angry with, l am not levelling any of that at anyone except a dead Father and a spoiled Sister. I do not deny that my anger and stress level have crept up expotentially since his demise. I am not a shallow person like my Sister. It is hard reading at times, and many a time damning because you see how a man you tried to love, viewed you as unimportant, unequal, imbecilic and a host of other goodies to boot.

As l travel through this information with a curiosity about who this man was, l destroy documents as l go. I had thought about keeping them for a while, however l am giving him quite a bit of air time on my blog and many of his ‘fiction stories’ are not that bad, but l don’t think l need to keep who he was alive in my PC, anymore than l have to.

It is gruelling work, and commentators may say ‘Why do it?’ Because l can, and l can detach my emotions to a certain degree. I might be angry whilst reading a letter or something, but then once it is destroyed, then it is gone, but the knowledge learned is added to my fuel load  mentally should l ever have to use it as ammunition at any time. I don’t think l will use it directly, but much of the official stuff is good to know, it’s handy knowing answers to questions you don’t yet have.

But l have taken Suze’s concern on board and as soon as the majority of this stuff is gone, l will sage the property. Because the last thing anyone truly needs is anything that is positively negative in their lives.

Dear Blog ……

5 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 12.35 – 17/12/18

  1. These things once read and registered can be a source of negative thinking and hurt. You are right to get rid of them.

  2. I used to get the foster kids to do that – write it all out, everything, and then give it a funeral by fire. It’s amazing how much lighter it left them.

    1. Best way, although my deep search has revealed a lot of very valueable information recently, doesn’t let the old man completely off the hook, but has shown a different side which is interesting. Sister however, she is def hooked!!

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