It’s not a case of soldiering on anymore, it’s now shouldering gone!
It’s the 28th, a Wednesday, and that means l still have six days before l see the surgeon. It is at this point that l am wishing my life away, l am wishing those six days on faster, and praying that somehow there is a portal of time that allows their passage to speed through ……. but and however we live in the real world, and time travel on that kind of domestic level doesn’t yet exist, should it ever begin, l will be nothing but dust in another dimension, and my shoulder will no longer be my concern or anyone else’s for that matter.
I am now officially on the 11 month mark when a small niggle pain started in my hand, a numbness, that soared up to my elbow, and l thought l had pulled a muscle or perhaps maybe it was the start of carpal tunnel ……… but l ignored it as we all do thinking, that a little bit of rest would settle it down.
I still did things with it, l still toiled the compost heap, a passion of mine, and of course had l known what was wrong back then – ah hindsight a beautiful thing indeed – l would not have done that. The pain continued on through February and into March and in April l hoisted high 40 odd 25Kg bags of soil and damp soil to boot, and then l truly started to experience discomfort. Now the pain was arcing its way straight through into my elbow direct to the top of my shoulder and then strangely to my neck, and that really started to slow me down.
By May, with the pain now a full time resident from the base of my neck down to fingertips on my right side, l found that my writing or rather typing was becoming seriously affected, l couldn’t write for long extended periods of time anymore, as the pain was too devious! So instead of writing 2-3 long tales a day l cut it down 1 a day, and then over the space of a month to one every few days and filled the blog with more shorter content.
However come June, the pain was too intense, daily spasms and a general feeling of discomfort, l realised that l couldn’t take it and so went to the Dr. He suspected carpal tunnel and sent me off for both an X-ray and a visit to a local physiotherapist. I attended them both and then things took a swing for the worse.
Whilst back then l was convinced my physio was some kind of strange dominatrix – all l think now is that he only exasperated a deteriorating problem, because after two visits to him, he introduced me to 50 shades of greater pain!
Since then, l have had several more x-rays and an MRI and a diagnosis of a pinched nerve in between C5 and C7 and a collpased/collapsing acromion. Now l am awaiting to see a surgeon who l initially thought was going to perform key hole surgery on the affected area to repair the damage. These days l see just pain as a luxury of the past, for now all l experience is day to day agony, feelings of nauseousness and slowly and surely the creeping signs of depression moving in.
It’s now a struggle most days to get any kind of quality sleep, l have very restricted functionality in my right arm, my spine throbs all day every day, l experience spasms in my neck and shoulder and my back daily that can last as little as five minutes to forty five minutes where upon with the latter l am crying and writhing around in serious agony until it passes. My head feels too heavy for my neck, my right arm now hangs limply when l walk like a slab of hung meat at the butchers on a hook and l walk in a stoop and lean more to my left. I am like a man of 100 without a zimmerframe.
I love writing, but it causes me pain to write these days, and l have to keep taking breaks. I shouldn’t write like l do, but it’s the only real pleasure l have left. I can no longer game because the interaction needed with a mouse causes several involuntary trigger spasms as my pinched nerve reacts violently. But l am going to keep writing as it keeps my sanity at bay. In many ways l guess l am one stupid mule!
This morning, l couldn’t affix the harness to Scrappy for her morning walk and could only just get the collar on around her neck. After my shower, l saw the shoulder, my shoulder, l can now say the acromion has fully collapsed, no longer do l have the nobbly bit normally visible atop of the ball joint of the shoulder, it has been getting smaller in the last few weeks, but now l have no shape at all there it is just one curve from my neck to the shoulder and down. Deterioration complete l would say, and the pain in my neck and back is now horrendous and chronically continuous.
The tablets are next to fucking useless and the surgery refuses to issue me anything stronger, so now nearly an hour after writing this entry, l am knackered and need to take a rest as l feel violently ill ….. and pray that the next six days move very fast indeed.
I have striven to keep my depression at bay, proud that l battled off demons aplenty and now l am floored, and think that key hole is most assuredly not an option, but perhaps open is. I wish l had the humour to laugh at this, but l don’t, not any more and less so since my shoulder disappeared off the face of the planet!