Blunderously Chocolatey!

traffic-3175769_960_720Blunderously Chocolatey!

Always been shy and reticent around the fairer sex,
Although when younger apparently l was considered cute,
These days however l seem to have become hexed,
Without a vehicle of my own and Aspergian to boot!

My Momma used to tell me, that women were like cars,
And Forrest Gump said that life was like a box of chocolates,
You never know what you gonna get, in so far,
As to whether your loved ones are wagons or corvettes!


Over the years …

I have to say that l have had all types of makes and models,
From the banger, to the sporty and even the saloon,
Deluxe small trucks right up to racy classicals,
And those that looked like they came from a wacky race cartoon!

My relationships, like cars have come with many a fault over time,
From small unnoticed little bumps, scratches and scrapes,
To massive dents that spell the end of a couples’ time,
And usually for me, end in a case of major sour grapes!

I have always enjoyed the company of the opposite sex,
Especially when it involves a lot of loving skin on skin,
But the emotional side is always so damningly complex,
And involves issues that l find both baffling and confusing!


Being Aspergic and with a mind still so very young at heart,
Can be seen as annoying to those who at times want to be serious,
And not always inclined to sample daily sex a la carte!
But are simply happy to dismiss me with an air of imperiousness,

It’s true that l may be a quirky handful to accommodate,
Like a used car l also have my fault lines,
But my feelings are no less approximate,
To my lovers, who just need to understand more at times!

For in all honesty, most Aspergian men are loyal companions,
Never straying far from the coup if at all,
Emotionally charged individuals with ‘reasonable’ compassion,
Forever young at heart and highly sexual!


And perhaps this might explain to me now,
Why it is that l struggle to see some as attractive propositions,
For the dating sites that are all on the Internet show,
Mostly those that are full of baggage and require heavy negotiations!

I have songs dilly dallying in my brain,
Like ‘Standing on the Corner’ and ‘Can’t take my eyes off her’
And find them applicable when looking at those who are ‘fast lane’,
Younger sporty and racier models that don’t need a chauffeur!

Yet to those in their late thirties l am nothing but a beaten up banger,
Who although experienced in the ways of the road,
Would probably do for a few good spins, but is best left in the hangar,
Any longer a mechanical and it might just explode!


It is so frustrating on these politically correct dating sites,
Looking through the endless cattle market lists of ‘Miss Rights’
Is like looking for a needle in a haystack alight,
And comes complete with a series of awful and hideous frights!

Trying to learn the lingo that the woman uses today,
Is like trying to raise the Titanic from the sea bed in one piece,
And as one can imagine there is no way that would be easy,
So you can imagine how we Aspergians’ struggle in the least!

For as said l have always been quite shy, and although l can flirt,
Closing the deal, or raising the level to chatting up,
Is an awkward proposition for me without it being read like dirt,
And me being ignored and or basically just snubbed!


Funny thing, sex and sexual relations,
So many want it, yet deny this fact,
By disguising desires through false interpretation,
And making others think they are using tact!

That is what gets to me the most about these new phenomena,
Of harmonizing online with the attractive women of this world,
It just gives them the opportunity to become selectively meaner,
Than they ever would be on the streets in which they twirl!

Their fanciness to men that they ‘too’ are trying to attract,
Yet openly disguising their complete lack of respect,
For those who struggle with the concepts of the chatting tact,
And are the first to be booted and face reject,

Failing to understand when they said ‘Let’s talk about sex’,
They did not fully comprehend what l meant by being Aspergic,
And that we can take that word quite literally and expect,
A conversation of the clumsy and blunderously romantic!

© Rory Matier 2012



In 2011, friends of mine suggested l try my hands at the ‘online dating community’, to see if there was a special someone out there for me? I was especially cynical if honest, however living as l was in a forty foot caravan in the middle of nowhere with my two dogs as my loyal companions, working with horses and shunning people – l think my friends’ expectations of my success were a tad over – enthusiastic! My Asperger’s diagnosis had been received in September 2008, and l was still coming to grips with trying to establish my identity, and things were not looking that great on the horizon and l had started to believe that maybe l was best left as a bachelor.

I was 46 and thinking that my days at being in a relationship were over, that l was simply too odd, too quirky, too unusual to even consider myself lucky enough to be involved again.

For me online dating proved to be an absolute nightmare, the language used was most of the time beyond my comprehension of logic, as l could see so many falsehoods, so many were hiding their desires behind their profiles, and l was just way too honest! I tried normal dating sites, gaming date sites, autism dating sites … it was all too confusing.

Profile writing is a very distinct art, and as much as l love writing, l simply couldn’t pretend to be someone l wasn’t, so saying l was an intrepid explorer who swam with sharks or dolphins or that nude hand gliding was my thing, to jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft in the pursuit of the ultimate thrill, l couldn’t ‘pad out’ my profile. A friend of mine said that practically no honesty was ever used on these things, so just write something to get or snag a hit! I couldn’t do it, l gave up after a period of 9 months. I had one date – however when she saw where l lived, she jumped to awful judgements about my life and made a hasty retreat back into the safety net of her world.

Truth be known, l wasn’t at that time looking for a relationship, it’s true l missed intimacy, but l missed conversation with someone other than myself and my dogs or the horses. But l found l couldn’t ever win this battle of online dating or harmonising. I was just totally clueless!  To boot l was like a walking clumsy blundering catastrophe accident of inappropriateness and more like a bull in a China shop, with my incredible ability of being too honest and very direct.

I would eventually meet my current partner in 2013, but l didn’t know that then. Thank fully we didn’t meet through an agency or an online site, but rather old fashionably through a friend of a friend. She still finds me a handful, even after all these years together and yes, l can still be somewhat inappropriate … but hey none of us are perfect are we? At least we don’t pretend with each other.

Guy or Bloke, Your Choice

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