Well l think it’s official, my stress has just hit volcanic proportions!
I don’t do lots of people, l react badly in 1] strange environments and 2] in tight spaces with lots of people. You’ll not often hear me bring my Asperger’s into a conversation as an excuse, because l know my limits and boundaries. I know what l can cope with and what l cannot cope with. So l work my life around what l can cope with.
It doesn’t mean l am any less Aspergic, or less autistic – it just means l don’t place myself into perilous situations and l do that, so l don’t become overwhelmed. Because the biggest problem for me is this …….. when l become overwhelmed l am reduced to a nervous wreck and when that happens l hyperventilate and when that happens l can go into a shutdown.
Those who have followed me from the start and have read my posts about Asperger’s and autism, will know that Suze acts as a linus blanket for me. It’s silly isn’t it? A grown man of 55, who has a linus blanket. But she is, now day to day you wouldn’t know that – because l can cope with everyday life really well. Much better than previous years, way better than the years before Suze, because she calms me.
I don’t melt down when she isn’t here, l live a quiet life these days, l don’t mix with lots of people and to all extents and purpose – you wouldn’t know the things l have just written about if l 1] you didn’t know me and 2] l hadn’t told you.
On Monday l am travelling down to my Father’s funeral service, his cremation. If it had been down to me, l would not have had a wake, l would have had a good service, because l find wakes full of bullshit, and bullshitting friends and annoying family. People l don’t know wishing me condolances about my Father, who they only thought they knew.
Now, something you will know about me, is this … l don’t handle compliments very well, l don’t know how to handle them that well, and at times too many compliments overwhelm me. But the same can be said by people offering me sympathy, because l can be very blunt to people. More so, if l am fighting a conflict within. I have battled a conflict with my Father for years – he referred to me as stupid, an imbecile, a retard. I didn’t wish him dead, and l was genuinely sympathetic that cancer took him the way it did. He didn’t need to die like that, and l wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
But emotionally, to some l might be perceived as being dead to his loss. They might be correct, after all l literally shed a single tear for his loss.
Why am l discussing this? Because my aunt, who l cannot stand has just rung me up, and demanded that l attend the wake because my Sister had rung her and said she was pannicking about me not being present for the wake. Now my Sister knew l would not be attending the wake weeks ago. She knew Suze was going to be in Australia. She knew that Scrappy is an elderly dog, and she knew that my neighbours who are very kind, but are in their mid 80’s and whilst l am always grateful for what they do, l never wish to push more on their plates. She knew l would be attending the cremation only, where l would pay my respects and she damn well knows that l have a problem with lots of people.
But instead of talking to me about it, she spoke to my aunt, and now my aunt has said “Rory this is your Father, and is way more important than a stupid dog!”
Well, this so called stupid dog, next to Dora was/were my only bloody friends for years, when family didn’t give two cents about me or my plight or the horrors l was going through. This dog has been my best friend for years, whereas the Father didn’t care about his Son. This ‘stupid’ dog is alive, where as my Father is dead.
So now, my stress is going through the roof. I have just text my Sister because she never speaks on a phone, and she is in denial, and yet the way she writes l know she is lying.
I am somewhat stressed to say the least!