Dear Blog … 22.45 – 08/11/18

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Well l think it’s official, my stress has just hit volcanic proportions!

I don’t do lots of people, l react badly in 1] strange environments and 2] in tight spaces with lots of people. You’ll not often hear me bring my Asperger’s into a conversation as an excuse, because l know my limits and boundaries. I know what l can cope with and what l cannot cope with. So l work my life around what l can cope with.

It doesn’t mean l am any less Aspergic, or less autistic – it just means l don’t place myself into perilous situations  and l do that, so l don’t become overwhelmed.  Because the biggest problem for me is this …….. when l become overwhelmed l am reduced to a nervous wreck and when that happens l hyperventilate and when that happens l can go into a shutdown.

Those who have followed me from the start and have read my posts about Asperger’s and autism, will know that Suze acts as a linus blanket for me. It’s silly isn’t it? A grown man of 55, who has a linus blanket. But she is, now day to day you wouldn’t know that – because l can cope with everyday life really well. Much better than previous years, way better than the years before Suze, because she calms me.

I don’t melt down when she isn’t here, l live a quiet life these days, l don’t mix with lots of people and to all extents and purpose – you wouldn’t know the things l have just written about if l 1] you didn’t know me and 2] l hadn’t told you.

On Monday l am travelling down to my Father’s funeral service, his cremation. If it had been down to me, l would not have had a wake, l would have had a good service, because l find wakes full of bullshit, and bullshitting friends and annoying family. People l don’t know wishing me condolances about my Father, who they only thought they knew.

Now, something you will know about me, is this … l don’t handle compliments very well, l don’t know how to handle them that well, and at times too many compliments overwhelm me. But the same can be said by people offering me sympathy, because l can be very blunt to people. More so, if l am fighting a conflict within. I have battled a conflict with my Father for years – he referred to me as stupid, an imbecile, a retard. I didn’t wish him dead, and l was genuinely sympathetic that cancer took him the way it did. He didn’t need to die like that, and l wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

But emotionally, to some l might be perceived as being dead to his loss. They might be correct, after all l literally shed a single tear for his loss.

Why  am l discussing this? Because my aunt, who l cannot stand has just rung me up, and demanded that l attend the wake because my Sister had rung her and said she was pannicking about me not being present for the wake. Now my Sister knew l would not be attending  the wake weeks ago. She knew Suze was going to be in Australia. She knew that Scrappy is an elderly dog, and she knew that my neighbours who are very kind, but are in their mid 80’s and whilst l am always grateful for what they do, l never wish to push more on their plates. She knew l would be attending the cremation only, where l would pay my respects and she damn well knows that l have a problem with lots of people.

But instead of talking to me about it, she spoke to my aunt, and now my aunt has said “Rory this is your Father, and is way more important than a stupid dog!”

Well, this so called stupid dog, next to Dora was/were my only bloody friends for years, when family didn’t give two cents about me or my plight or the horrors l was going through. This dog has been my best friend for years, whereas the Father didn’t care about his Son. This ‘stupid’ dog is alive, where as my Father is dead.

So now, my stress is going through the roof. I have just text my Sister because she never speaks on a phone, and she is in denial, and yet the way she writes l know she is lying.

I am somewhat stressed to say the least!

Dear Blog ……

24 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 22.45 – 08/11/18

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  1. Dang! You tolerate a lot more than I do from my family, but then again, I don’t like my family. My aunt talked to me like that, I wouldn’t even go to the funeral. He won’t know. Funerals and wakes are for the living. Yeah, I would have just hung up the phone, cancelled plans to go, and go about my life. I don’t care if my family doesn’t like me. Sorry this is such a mess for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t go to funerals, nor do I associate with my family. I think you’re doing enough just by going – more than enough. Don’t do what others manipulate you into doing, do only what is good for your peace of mind.
    Scrappy is more family than the lot of them.
    You play it straight, but they’re not – remember that, and play by your own standards. You’ve seen the paperwork and how they’ve used the old man to get what they wanted. You know how they play these games, but you don’t have to be part of it.
    It will all be over soon, and you won’t have to deal with them again if you don’t want to.
    Breathe, pat the dog, listen to the night creatures, imagine where Suze is now (in my home town!), and let all that other stuff slide away, down into the refuse pits where it belongs.
    Just my opinion, but I’ve been where you are, and it’s not good.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with all of the others, Rory, that you do what is best for you and your little family (Suze and Scrappy). It is a big concession to even go to the cremation service, under the circumstances, but I understand it is in alignment with your integrity to do so. No matter what “they” say, the Wake has no more to do with your Father, than what “they” say has to do with you. Do what you want, what you feel comfortable with and you don’t owe anyone any explanations about “why?”, either! 💞

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  4. There’s so much bullshit after a death isn’t there! My best friend died last month and the crap going on with her family now is awful, she’d be so upset.
    Seeing the relationship you had with your father and have now with the family, you’re well within your rights not to go. At this age I’ve learned not to break my back for anyone who wouldn’t reciprocate, so do what’s best for you Rory 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Absolutely agree with the advice others are giving. One has to have one’s own code of behavior. So don’t get stressed out about what others think you should do! Follow your own line.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Funerals are for closure, the first step in accepting that someone has gone from your life and I think, and it’s just my opinion, that you should go to that for you, your peace of mind if you will. As for the wake? You’d just be going there for others, to placate them or satisfy their sense of what is ‘right’ but it would be harmful to you so don’t go. Spend the time with your little dog instead xx

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    1. Morning Lisa, l spoke to my Mother last night, very late indeed for her so l was surprised she was awake. I will be leaving very early Monday morning. It’s a 2 and a half hour journey for a good run up, if it is a bad run, travl time could mean l in a car for more hours than l would wish.

      I will leave the service slightly early, and make haste for the wake, where l shall meet and greet and then l am leaving.

      My takes on things is this, my respects for my Father are at the funeral, the wake is a waste of time, they are nothing to do with me. Like you have said the funeral is where it ends. However, for compromise sake to show good will, l will attend the wake for ten minutes and that is all they are getting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Morning Rory. That sounds like a reasonable compromise. The only thing I would say is that, if it all seems too much after the funeral, just go straight home, don’t put too much pressure on yourself for the sake of showing your face. The only reason I say that is that I am sure people will pressure you into staying and you really don’t need that right now. Sending virtual hugs :O) x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s actually the truth – then it will just be the probate administration, the clearing of the house. However once everything is over, l will be walking away. I am being tested at every step of the way from an aggressive Sister to a shambolic family – but come 2019 – hopefully it will be the start to a new year. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I can empathise with you. People grief in different ways, if my parents are gone, the last thing I want is to spend my time attending the funeral and wake with lots of other people whom I rather not see. The way people make a fuss about showing up makes it sound like a show. Take care and do what is best for yourself, which I believe you will! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Afternoon Lin,

      I think what’s happened now is some very fine borders have been crossed, so instead of already being apprehensive about entering the lion’s den alone, now l am just ultra cautious and wary, and l am sure you can appreciate from the inside of the spectrum viewpoint, that my anger levels will be on the verge of critical.

      So l have to take things easy, or l will blow which for me is the opposite to meltdown.

      My Sister is now very aware of how l feel about this situation, and l hope will now not to depress that button any further.

      Hope you are keeping well 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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