Dear Blog … 21.29 – 21/10/18



It’s Not people I Don’t Get, It’s Family.

So, 3 days on since my Father’s passing, and l haven’t heard a thing from my Sister – not a single phone call – a smattering of bloody Facebook texts, but despite me offering condolances to her, she has offered nothing back. In fact none of my family offered me any. An aunt on my Father’s side [the troublesome side], rang up on Friday and said “Rory, l am sorry for your loss, l know you two were not close, but l know you loved him in your own way as he did you.”

The only actual condolance l received was from Dad’s Sister, the only one.

I don’t profess to understand all people l don’t. When l studied psychology all those years ago, it was hard, but l passed and got through and yet the one thing it didn’t really prepare me for was understanding my own family.

My Aunt was hot on the button though, she recognised my Father and l weren’t close, but she still rang me up and offered sympathy, and l was thankful. Not for the sympathy, but for actually being remembered. I felt included in my own Father’s passing … that call made me part of my family again.

My Sister is acting very strange, perhaps it’s grief, but alas my cynicism is seeing things slightly differently. She can organise the funeral and the wake, and she can do all that, but to me, she says she is overwhelmed by everything and cannot talk to me. I have tried helping her as much as l can, l have said listen you are my Sister let me help, he was also my Father you know? But every attempt l make to communicate, she snubs, blocks, ignores and basically doesn’t talk to me?

Worse than that, all l get from my cooing Mother [you may recall how it was surreal when l saw her with Dad last Tuesday], well now she refers to him as a stupid man?? Talk about hypocritical! But she is instead of being Camp Children Neutral, she is now Camp Sister Supportive and tells me to stop being so insensitive!

I don’t understand how by offering to help my Sister with our Father’s funeral arrangements makes me insensitive? I find it insensitive that my Sister hasn’t once picked up the phone to even enquire how l am.

Instead l have to watch that horrifying actually that l think my Dad has possessed my Sister!! She has become this one sided control freak – which is Dad the Sequel!!

So l have now been instructed by once more the most inpersonal email where my Father’s service is taking place and that there is Wake of 45 people!!!It wasn’t even addressed to me as his Son, wasn’t written by her but the funeral home, gees’us!

Worse than that it has been changed from the 5th November three days before Suze goes to Australia to the 12th, four days after she has gone, meaning a taxi from Kent to Surrey, leaving Scrappy with the neighbours, who will be utterly distraught as neither Suze and l will be there.

45 people!! For me that is like walking into an erupting volcano! I don’t think even l can face 45 people at once, as l don’t know anyone, that is meltdown material, shit sake!  I wouldn’t walk into a crowd of 45 people on a good day, let alone following a fricking service!

Tomorrow l have to call my surgery to try and get a proper painkiller, and not some stupid anti-d, as my shoulder has collapsed more, and my pinched nerve is pumping out every five minutes. The pain is driving me potty! The hospital have now pushed me forwards for reconstructive surgery. The car journey will floor me, joy! I will just have to spend £120 to get to the service and then turn around and come back again. I have not got the patience for all those people who l don’t know telling me they knew my Father, and all the falseness of a feast of the dead.

I have even offered to go up there this Thursday to meet the humanatarian guy and help my Sister draw up a eulogy and have l had an answer? Have l fuckettydoodleduck! I am a nothing again.

Well, as a joint executor in his estate, there is going to come a time when she is going to have stop being the Fat Controller, because all she is doing is turning me into an angry bunny! I am willing to let certain things slide under the guise of ‘grief’, but l don’t think this is grief, l think this is sheer bloody mindedness.

I am thankful for the Halloween challenge,  for despite it needing me to think, it means l don’t have to think, and yet l can’t stop thinking and overthinking, it’s starting to do my head in. I can understand people more than l get credit for, but as to family, l am clueless!

Dear Blog ……

11 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 21.29 – 21/10/18

    1. Oh don’t worry Cage, l am just astonished in truth. She feels the need to attack this issue in a frenzied way, but l cannot help but feel somewhat saddened by it all.

        1. Yes it is, that is the thing in truth which hurts me more. I can accept Dad’s death, he was terminally ill, he was dying, death was inevitable. at least he died and he wasn’t in serious horrendous pain.

          My Sister did such a brilliant job of looking after him in the end, only last week l told her how proud l was of her, and l was and l am. She was there for her Dad right at the end. but she was his golden girl, l was not in his eyes the dutiful son.

          But l have tried where l could all the way through the months to be as supportive a Brother as l could be, and now when we are supposed to be pulling together as a united front, l feel snubbed.

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this Rory. The only thing I can say is that grief does very strange things to people and, in the first few days, weeks and months following a loss they are rarely ‘themselves’. After I lost my husband I focused on ‘organising’, it didn’t matter what, as long as I had something to do; I didn’t want to talk about his death or be comforted by anyone, I just wanted to keep my mind occupied so it didn’t have to face reality.
    Hugs xx

  2. People do manage grief in different ways, but I’m sorry you’re feeling so abandoned by your sister at a time when you’d both benefit from each other’s support. Feeling part of your family is something that should just be, and it must be awful to not be acknowledged. That was lovely of your aunt to contact you and I hope you can remain connected there. Take care x

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