Dear Blog -The Passing of a Single Tear

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The Passing of a Single Tear

My Father died yesterday, l don’t know the exact time because no one has told me although l suspect it was between 3.06pm and 3.10pm in the afternoon. I had been talking to my Sister at the time. But we don’t talk, she doesn’t actually talk to many people at all., least not family, least not her Brother. So everything is restricted to Facebook chat.

Since my Father’s illness began back in June, she and l have actually only spoken five times as in actual speaking to each other, otherwise l am forced to communicate via social media.

But yesterday, l was upset and sadly disappointed, never mind fucked off – l will not hide that emotion, l was very angry. That she couldn’t take the time to confirm with her brother that our Father had passed despite just being one message away. Instead she rang my Mother, my Father’s ex wife of thirty years to ‘break the news to me’ because she was busy ringing other family members on my Father’s side.

My own Sister couldn’t actually tell the only true family member she has that their Father had officially died, when l was simply a text away. I find it disrespectful. But l put it down to this ‘rift’ we had shared for 20 years due to my Father [he had created it, although l still have some cynical doubts about it being just him]. In so far as she is not used to speaking to me, or perhaps she was grief stricken. I will let it slide for now.

And yet, it’s just another sleight from my family .. why be surprised Rory?

Over the years my entire family has ostracised me for being different or being in their eyes mentally ill, long before l was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s in 2008, long before that. Never mind that the diagnosis solved so many riddles, proving l wasn’t a nutter.

I was never ‘good enough’ in their eyes. It didn’t matter what achievements or successes l had in my life, it only mattered that l was different – my opinions, beliefs and my thinking was different to my Father. As he was a God, it was his way or the highway. I was awarded the highway.

I have often been accused of not having the right empathy levels, and whilst l will not contest all of that statement, l will say in my defence, that l do care about certain things thank you very much.

Here we are Friday morning, and still l haven’t actually heard from my Sister, l offered my condolances to her last and said be strong, try to keep busy and keep the grief bullet at bay. No one has thought to offer me any condolances for my loss, no one from my family, they haven’t even asked how l am. My Mother was flippant with her delivery of the message and my Sister is ‘too’ busy.

Suzanne did, and a few WP bloggers did – but not a whisper from anyone else.

This is actually the story of my life, not just for now, but since l was six.

***

My Father was a cold and hard brutal man, who favoured my Sister and her children more, and had very little time for his strange Son, who preferred animals over people, who didn’t have children, nor continue the family name – as that was more important than anything else. Who for many years, had mental health issues, and lived in a caravan with dogs! Dogs!! No ‘normal’ person does that – he would say – case closed – you are NOT normal!

It is hard to love a man like that – very hard. But l was more accepting and more tolerant than most. I had given up trying to please him when l turned 40, and stood up to him, and told him to Stop being a bully! If l had thought he didn’t like me before that, he changed after that, he liked me even less, but tried rather unsuccessfully to hide his disdain.

I did love my Father, just it wasn’t like my Sister maintained she did, nor was it like other Fathers and Sons l have seen over the years, it was just l loved my Father. I tried to accept him for who he was.

I have been thinking about this thought ‘How do l feel’ for months. Strange, l feel strange. But he was my Father, and l loved him for that aspect alone – he was my Father. I lost my Father yesterday, how do l feel?

I feel like this ……

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The Passing of a Single Tear

I wish there had been more time shared as Father and Son,

From young, when young, just young,

But that was a big ask from a man,

Who couldn’t and wouldn’t understand,

His son.

 

There was never any free time, to simply share,

Honest pleasures, the joys, for he was always somewhere ..

… else.

 

His mind, was not present, never there, when at home,

Always busy, with other people, or on the phone,

If not that, then his music for him alone,

Never shared freely, appreciation forced,

His family looked upon as if we were accursed,

An entity he had to bear, for eternity,

Time was for everyone else, family carelessly,

Thrown to the wind.

Foundations, never formed,

Dysfunctionality ruled the way,

We were just there to be burned,

By a man, who lived only in his yesterdays.

No matter, life was there to adorn him.

… and him alone!

 

Life was always about him,

His way or the highway,

We hardly ever saw eye to eye,

 

My Father passed into the hands of death yesterday,

A shadow of who he once was,  a grain of sand,

In the bigger picture of life, is all that remained of the man,

He slipped away, quietly l hear, no pain nor sound,

For such a brutal presence in life, l find the passing profound!

Such is the way,

I cried a single tear,

And wished him well on the highway,

The stairs that lead everywhere,

But not the yesterday.

A single tear, it was all l had,

That’s all l could share,

I tried, oh how l tried,

I tried to cry,

but none would come

Father,

I cried a single tear for you,

But that tear was an ocean,

Deep, wild and unruly, angry and upset,

It rolled down my cheek,

I felt it passing,

So much was left unsaid, so many questions,

Will now never be heard,

Why am l surprised at that? It’s absurd!

I felt that tear well up within my mind,

But it was just one,

A solitary tear from your Son.

One single tear,

Down my face,

It left an emotional smear,

My grief, that tear, the only trace.

Before, it was gone, crashing to the ground …

Just a single tear for my Father, how profound.

© Rory Matier 2018

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But also …… l feel free.

29 thoughts on “Dear Blog -The Passing of a Single Tear

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    1. Hey Julie,

      Harder on levels that some may not understand, you probably know what l mean, with your background. Some grief is not for the obvious, but the what could have been.

      This will pass, l have a tougher time ahead of me l feel, that is going to be rife with strife and conflict. I care not now, l just went to get through it all in one piece. I need to make 2019 my own.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I just don’t know what to say when people lose family. My brother and I only have Twitter and before that it was FB. We have “spoken” maybe a dozen times in 32 years. That includes the 15 years we lived in the same city. I have written several times about my mother and grandmother.
    It is very difficult knowing what to say when people lose family. I don’t think much of mine and only care if one of them were to pass. Others are not like that though, so I just say nothing. Sorry

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t worry about it Teresa, l am not seeking mountains of sympathy. Every one of us is reflective differently.

      Once the estate is sorted out, my Sister will simply disappear again, and probably only resurface when my Mother passes.

      Before this we hadn’t actually spoken as Brother/Sister for nearly 20 years. I did try on many occasions to ‘connect’ but she never wanted to know because l was seen as different, odd.

      I am not a fool, despite what my family think of me. But when this over, l will just get on with my life – again, knowing that the haunting years can finally have their ghosts rested 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, I think you understand human beings more than most. Hang in there matey, it’s almost done. Yes the legalities have to be dealt with but that’s different. At most, you have to see his family once more if they’re at the funeral. Then you can just cut them off.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re right. It’ll get ugly but you can be more detached from that as it’s not ‘human’ so to speak.
        Honestly, I’d also suggest you go to the funeral and leave. Don’t go back for any tea and sandwiches etc. we both know the recriminations will start and it’ll turn into a bloodbath. There’s too much lent up aggression for it to be otherwise. Don’t subject yourself to that

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This post is magnificent! And the person who wrote it (that’s you, Rory) not only has high levels of cognitive empathy, but also has a deep and thorough grasp of what it is to be human. You are different, but in a very good way.

    I was thinking last night about what you had said about the way the news of your father’s death was delivered, and I was going to reply to your reply to my comment and say something along the lines of – you’re absolutely right to be angry/upset about it. I wanted to say that because I grew up constantly being told I didn’t have a right to be angry/upset at other people doing shitty things and being shitty – those shitty people doing shitty things inevitably blamed me for why they had to do shitty things and be shitty. It took me forever to finally say to myself – I have every right to be angry/upset. In other words: I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking anymore!

    I love what you said here: “But yesterday, l was upset and sadly disappointed, never mind fucked off – l will not hide that emotion, l was very angry.” – bravo!

    Your description of your family and your experiences with them reminds me of my experiences with my family. My father’s favourite statement was: Those who love me, follow me – which he meant as my way or the highway. I also took the highway away from my family, but my father’s death caused all of the old issues to return with a vengeance. Any old arguments between family members may kick off again as though there’d never been any respite.

    Trust your gut reaction about the bigger battle – if it doesn’t happen then it doesn’t, but it’s best to be prepared for it.

    I found blogging very useful for helping me cope with the aftermath of my father’s death. There are certain thoughts and emotions which you just can’t share with those close to you as it can overwhelm them, particularly if you need to talk your way through them to process them for yourself. The internet is a great ocean in which to scream and release. And there are some wonderful listeners in the cyber world.

    You will be fine because you’re different in a good way!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My sincere condolences. One shining bit among the mess: Your dad is no longer in pain nor suffers any more. I lost my Pops in 2003. I KNOW the pain, even if you didn’t get on very well with him. Take care Rory. We’re all sorry for your loss. Take care!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My condolences. That story is done, almost, and you can work on finding peace and wellness in your life. I wish for you healing and calmness, and the honest love of Scrappy and Suze to help you through this time.

    Like

    1. Hey Cage, thank you – yes, it is slowly coming to an end, well one side is for sure and l wish him well on his journey. The other side will be a headache for a while administratively speaking, and then as l have said today hopefully 2019 l can start to get on again 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Rory, I’ve just seen this and want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Despite the quality of anyone’s familial relationships, the loss of a parent (any close relative, really) is hard. My relationship with my mother was in many ways similar to your relationship with your father. The details don’t matter. If I tell you my husband once said to me, “She looks at you with such hatred,” you’ll understand. So, when I tell you I’m sorry for your loss, I mean the true loss of now never having the possibility of getting an answer to unanswered questions. In May my mother will have been gone for ten years, yet not a day goes by that I don’t wonder (casually, at least) why she was/did what she was/did. Wonder what my life would have been like if I had had a mother who loved me. This isn’t as bleak as it sounds. I had accepted her and the state of our relationship before she passed, and the pain of never knowing has certainly lessened over the years to a brief thought rather than constant rumination. I hope that will be the way for you, as well. Grief, whether for the loss of the person or for the loss of possibilities, lessens over time and becomes an increasingly smaller part of everyday life. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Magnoliajem thank you 🙂

      It is exactly as you say, it is what we didn’t have that , that we could of had that gets to me the most.

      I hope you are keeping well ? 🙂

      Strangely enough l am just about to do my nightly call out and have you tagged 🙂

      Like

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