Dear Blog …13.27 – 03/10/18



Stop the planet!

I need a holiday, a break, a vacation as much as Scrappy needs a new adventure .. she and l are feeling the strain of being poorly and cooped up. I should imagine Scrappy is feeling the strain more as she is technically pretty healthy in comparison to me, and Suze.

The last holiday we all had together was in 2014 when we all over the Christmas period, took a week over in Boscastle in Cornwall, and we had a good time, but that is fast coming into four years now. Suze is away for 17 days in November visiting her daughter, son-in-law and the grandkids in Australia. It’s her third time out there since 2015 when they emigrated. I don’t do the jealousy thing, but l am slightly envious of the fact that she is taking time out.

But it’s not easy currently with her working full time, and her need to see the grandkids, and at Scrappy’s age and having never once during all her years been in a kennel to just put her in one now is unfair. She turns 15 on the 30th November and that is old in dog years, and nothing to be mocked considering everything she has had to put up with since the IVDD diagnosis of 2017.

I can’t travel very well currently. The pain is intense at times, on a scale of 1-10, most days l border on a 7, with a 10+ being hit around 7pm every night. I could alleviate that l figure if l cut back on the writing. I suppose l could alleviate it further by taking yet again a concoction of painkillers. But l vowed to NOT take any tablets just over two weeks ago, and so far l have stuck to that. Instead l simply take a hot water bottle to bed with me which isn’t even that effective, and then have a restless night. So by morning, l am usually pretty groggy.

Even with the small amount of typing l am doing now, it’s painful. But on the good side the Candida flare up is finally settling down and just proving that at least the organic supplement tablets as in 3 Candaway a day and one 20 billion acidophilus are doing their job of combatting the yeast overgrowth in the gut with no side effects – it’s good that something works.

But this damn continuous neck to elbow pain is debilitating. The fatigue tires me out so much more quickly than before. Perhaps that is to do with the body finally purging the abuse of bloody tablet mixtures since June? I don’t know, what l do know is l am tired more often than not and in regular pain, that’s what l do know. I don’t have the energy to walk five mile walks as l was doing as little as four months ago.

My immune system is taking a battering as well, l am just getting over a cold, thankfully that didn’t escalate into anything terrible, just a runny nose, a few coughs and maybe 20 sneezes a day, which is a lot in comparison to a guy who usually only sneezes twice a month. Plus l have a stye in my left eye, like l needed that like a hole in the head and l just generally feel worn down, achy and creaky every time l move.

So l need a holiday, but until l get some qualitable information from the physio’s next week, l am a bit buggered. I went out last Sunday for some lunch with Suze’s cousin and her partner and we all had a great time with some great food, but the car journey without pain relief was a nightmare and then l had to retire really early Sunday night in agony. Couldn’t take Scrappy with us, much to her disdain because my right arm means l don’t have the strength to lift her into the car. Suze has tennis elbow in her right arm so she is a bit useless on that level as well, and Scrappy is no longer allowed to jump up or down. So a holiday or adventure as much as it is desperately needed is off the books until somethings improve.

Have taken a back seat from the ‘dying Father’ stress, and although there is a visit planned in somewhere in the next two weeks before Suze travels to Oz, l am not looking forward to that and not just because of pain, but more so because my Father is so very orientated to ‘Me, me, me!’

My Mother and Sister visited him on the weekend just gone, and all my Mother could say and continually repeat was just how demanding he was and how surreal it all seemed, combined with how weak he appeared. Well of course he appears weak, the guy has liver and bowel cancer, that is an aggressive eater of the body, mind and soul, so he will seem to be much smaller than he ever was.

But l have not heard from him for well over a week since he last rang up and demanded l buy him a flat screen TV, which l declined. He wasn’t interested in anything but that damn TV and wasn’t bothered about any of us. As it was a friend of his, Vulture 1 as l call him sorted it for him, and then nothing.

Apparently he asked my Mother for forgiveness to his adultery, physical abuse and mental abuse and poor treatment of his children? She just basically answered with “It was all a long time ago, no need to discuss it. he thanked her. She told me she would never forgive him, that was down to his maker. Another funny phrase all by itself in truth – l know that it refers to God, and yet that’s down to interpretation l think. Am l to blame God for my Father’s behaviour or his real maker – that being his Father who was a brutal bastard himself as well?

I forgave him years ago, but l didn’t do it for him, l did it so l could mete out a life for myself. It is hard, l too will never forget, and maybe, not forgive, l still have a lot of deep down anger for a man who only sought to make my life a living hell whilst we shared the same house and didn’t stop once we moved away from each other. He was a bully then, and to some degrees he is still a bully. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots just because it gets older and they fade.

My Mother said he asked her if he was a good husband? I laughed out loud at that question. She answered simply it was a long time ago. She asked me to lie to him if he asked a question of “Was l good Father to you?” I said l couldn’t do that, that the best l would do is counter that question with a different question, and irrelevant to his health if pushed into a corner, l would NOT lie. I would not say that he was something he wasn’t. She seemed upset at this and said “He is dying!”

“I know he is dying, but why should l lie just to please a man whose entire life has been about him, and now dying it is no different? This man cannot stand his own company. He has a live in carer he chooses not to speak to properly because she is a she and she is coloured! I cannot abide sexism or racism, and what – we are to forgive him of those ‘sleights’ because he is dying? No, if he asks l will counter, but if he pushes, then for my own sanctuary l will not lie. When he is gone and dust, l will need to move on, but how can l live with myself afterwards if l lied to make him feel better?”

My Father is still a bully, he demands people at his side all day, because he cannot abide his own company, what does that tell you about him? Before my Mother and Sister left he was ringing people up like he did when Suze and l visited and demanding that they get to him NOW!! That is just a mess, it’s messy is what it is.

When my Father is gone, l want to be able to start afresh, not still have his mess in my memory. We already live in a world where people want to be let off gently for sins they perform. So many people think other people are too hard on them, because they speak the truth or in a black and white manner or are just plain honest. Our world has forgotten what honesty is l feel.

I will need a holiday next year sometime, l have had enough – stop the planet, l wanna get off for a few weeks!

Dear Blog ……

14 thoughts on “Dear Blog …13.27 – 03/10/18

  1. I lied to my mother when she was dying and I regret it. I promised her I wouldn’t divorce my then-husband, even though I knew we were doomed, because I wanted to make her happy. We split a year after she died and it still bothers me that I broke my promise.

      1. Thanks, not too bad. I just came back from my holiday in Australia. Still trying to settle down to my new routine as I have left the company I previously worked. Well, I still work for them but on a part-time basis now. Right now, I need to establish some routine and to be more self-disciplined in terms of time management.

  2. maybe now is the time to start thinking about the ‘new stage of life in fresh air’ – but I agree that there’s no need to tell him what he wants to hear just because …
    The thing is we all die sooner or later, and I’d like to fix things in my life as I go, not wait until I’m on the doorstep of Gone Forever before I consider where or what I might need to … do.
    I have forgiven some of the people in my life who were and are difficult, etc. but forget? Never. I don’t make the same mistakes too often, and I don’t believe any form of manipulative advertising in any format. The once bitten adage.

    1. Absolutely, my Father has had plenty of time to rebuild bridges and what? He chooses his dying bed, on the premise that people feel sorry for him, no, not happening.

  3. Hay Rory,
    A vacation boy that sounds nice I know what you mean, as for pops I’m with you he should have made amenz a long time ago not at the last minute it’s to late now.


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