Son of Yesterday’s Father

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Son of Yesterday’s Father

Tonight,

Deepest thoughts,

Reflections on yesterday,

The yesterdays of my youth,

Sad realisations and unspoken truths

Bad news l received,

Yet l struggle

To understand one of my life’s

Long standing emotional troubles?

Do l love him the way l should?

I am not the perfect Son,

Distant, eccentric and aloof,

Family, what is that, l mean really?

Never been loving fun,

Hardly smooth!

Yet now, with darkness approaching,

Like a storm brewing,

Hidden demons lurking behind closed doors,

Their vileness readying to spew,

Create conflict and start wars,

The worst is still to come,

It’s only just started,

I can feel their hostility,

Looking for someone to blame,

Like the cancer is my fault,

I hold the flame!

Just ignore it; he said, they’re upset,

And yet, twasn’t l that set their lines alight,

Twasn’t l, that started to coax their fires,

I did nothing to build the pyres!

And yet, after years of absence, they wish to fight?

He is my Father, l yelled in defiance,

Not yours, you only think you know him!

You know not, the hidden man,

The man from yesterday,

The tyrant,

The bully, the manipulator, the stirrer of hauntings,

You know nothing, how dare you accuse me,

Of not caring, of not loving,

You don’t even know me,

It has been years since we spoke,

You are not even my family,

Actually,

You’re his, Nieces, Sisters, brothers,

Who wanted no part of my oddity?

You ostracised, condemned and spat,

Grotesqueness in my face,

And now you seek my emotional sociality?

You challenge me,

Throwing falsehoods into my face,

Words that sting,

And words that are bad,

Do l not care about my dying Dad?

There is no proof, l say,

It is but early days,

Let’s not jump the gun,

Create a bandwagon for circus fun,

For your free talk, that creeps out from under the floor,

Pretending to be so righteous,

With your devious and dubious and impure,

Minds!

I will not express,

How l feel, nor share my stress,

With those l do not know,

Who care not for who l am,

Son of yesterday’s Father,

Now his own man.

© Rory Matier 2018

14 thoughts on “Son of Yesterday’s Father

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  1. Wow! This poem stirs me up. I could use this poem and insert my mother and me! Ha!! I shed one single tear when she passed. One… because there was nothing left to feel for her. I tried to love her while she was alive. And everyone accused me of all kinds of hate while she was passing. Like you express in your poem, my accusers did not really know her, but some how knew my feelings. I begged for 40+ years for her to love me… her last words were the final cut! Her love was always conditional… “i will forgive you, if you forgive me!” She said that as i walked in the front door. I was standing upright but i felt my existence fall to the floor. I had nothing in my heart against her at that moment. I was there to love her, say goodbye. All i wanted was a hug! She wanted to fight! 💔💔💔💔

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Morning Jeanne, My Father and l are estranged. As l was growing up, he was estranged from his own family.

      Now he ”may” be ill, and who knows what the score is, he hasn’t turned to his immediate family, but his own family who don’t know him like we do.

      Now he is milking the sympathy, a terrible thing to say of anyone, however it is because l know him, and the way he has been all these years, that l know what he is capable of.

      I feel all this has done is stirt up a myriad of emotions in me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And who needs that shit! Right? My mom was selfish to the end! I feel sorry for you… glad my ordeal is over. She passed the same day Steve Jobs died. The only way i can remember the day she died because the day means nothing to me. I know Steve Jobs better than my mom. Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think if Dad had been more of the Father to his own kids he makes out to others he is., then things may have been different.

        My cousin rang me last week, she is no more my cousin to me than the next door neighbour is my Sister. i haven’t spoken to her for 31 years. 31 years, and she rang up and accused me of not caring about my Father who she said ‘was like a Father to me!’

        Apart from the anger, and the insult, that summed everything up for me, that was how he was and is, someone elses father because in his eyes, we were never good enough.

        I told her where to get off at. My own Sister and l have a very strained relationship, because of my Father who continually stirred up the shit between us, as again was his way. I have no idea who she is.

        When Dad has gone, through whatever takes him, maybe then my Sister and l may start to get to know each other.

        I don’t wish anyone dead, or ill or under misfortune, but l am not sure how l will feel the day he does pass.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Very powerful words! My family is giant mess I avoid as much as I can. I don’t actively wish anyone ill but I don’t waste my life worrying about them either. My mother lives 1.5 miles (2.4km) from me and I haven’t seen her in almost 2 years. Stand your ground and don’t let people who’ve never supported you bother you now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lovely poem Rory, I can so relate with all of this, I honestly have no feeling’s for my father for the crap he pulled when I was a kid.
    Stay strong don’t let the pissants get to you my friend.

    ❤️✌️
    BY FOR NOW

    Liked by 1 person

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