Can you be too honest?
I think sadly you can, l know l am. My blog in many ways is testament to this, l write to within 5% of my life here as in 95% of who l am, the remaining 5% is stuff that l think one has to keep personal to themselves, that it is the inner you. That is not saying that none of that 5% is ever displayed, it’s just not displayed at a full strength 5% all day every day, but the 95% is. I don’t like lying, l am not very good at it and so don’t bother. I know the truth hurts at times, but l like the black and white of the truth and not the grey of the lies and confusion. However just because l don’t lie, it doesn’t mean that others are the same.
I play by the rulebook, l have been risky, and naughty before but have never gone out of my way to be deliberately deceptive. I have lived with liars, and those who would ‘manipulate the truth’ to suit their needs. My first experience of lying on a grand scale was actually growing up with both of my parents, who continually lied to each other, themselves and to their children, and at times it became so blantly obvious it became almost second nature to them to do so, and not think twice about doing so. The non liars of the family found themselves at a disadvantage and my Father once said that you had to lie to survive.
Whilst l acknowledge the likes of white lies, or the little fibs, or the not telling the truth to keep someone safe and not hurt, l don’t see the point to a continual lying process and so to avoid such things as just one example, the quicker l got away from my parents house, the better off l was going to be.
My Father was an adulterer, but despite my Mother maintaining she didn’t, l knew that she was incredibly flirtatious and often sought ‘comfort’ from the madness of my Father’s behaviour, and she defended her actions with statements of that wasn’t the same as lying. Yet l had so many ‘uncles’ at one point when younger that l was quite concerned! Despite my Mother’s insistence on calling non family members Uncles – l never once did. I may have been young, but l wasn’t entirely stupid. I didn’t doubt my Mothers reasons for her actions, it wasn’t down to me to judge my parents living style, but it did make for a very unpleasant home life.
Having been the victim to aldulterous behaviour from my wife and the following two relationships after that, l have no tolerance for adultery, but l do understand why people feel the need to perform it at times, it’s just not my bag. But l like being cheated or cheated on even less than just being lied to.
It is said that those of us on the spectrum cannot lie, and l know that is a falsehood, everyone can lie, it simply comes down to their moral compass and the personal rulebook of acceptable versus unacceptable behaviour. I am no angel, but l am not the biggest sinner going either. If one cannot tell the truth and has to lie to make do, then basically in my world it is simply ‘”just shut the fuck up and don’t say anything!”
However, why on earth am l piping on about all of this? Well, it is to do with yesterday’s call from my Mother, that was a case of ‘lost plots’ or ‘thickening plots’ or even ‘conspiracy plots!”
The last six weeks l have seen her change strangely, previous that time frame, she DID NOT WANT ANYTHING to do with my Father and her ex-husband. Her words. Yet six weeks ago, she began asking if she should see my Father? Which confused me, why on earth would this woman wish to see a man who she despised and if not that had been apart from for thirty years? Where is the logic in that?
I have been divorced from my ex wife of sixteen years for ten years this year, and l have no wish nor desire to see her, so l cannot fathom why my Mother would have any wish to see my Father. However both my Sister and l asked him seperately, and as we suspected and expected he returned with a defiant NO!
Still my Mother insisted on it, but eventually she stopped asking. Then out of the blue last Saturday, my Father says he wants to see our Mother, she is then asked and then she says yes. I know l am cynical, l have never denied this – but in my eyes my Mother wishes to see him for some macabre reason and my Father wishes to see my Mother for some extra drama oh woe is me, that is all l can make of it.
Anyway, so yesterday l received this call from my Mother which confused me at the time and in that call she made reference to stuff that just confused me further, but not once did she make mention to seeing my Father or that he asked. Which in consideration to everything is l think a pretty big ask and conceal. But in a brief conversation in Facebook with my Sister yesterday l found out from her, that without any kind of discussion she had gone out and organised my father’s funeral arrangements and furthermore that she asked Mum if she wanted to see Dad?
There are two annoyances here, one that l am somehow considered unimportant to discuss things with concerning the arrangements of funeral, which was something l had raised earlier in the week as a topic with my Sister, until yesterday and it was dropped as an ‘Oh by the way” comment and as if it was nothing important at all? Also, the reference to my Father’s request as another ‘oh by the way comment’.
I rang my Mother back, and asked her if this was true, for her to simply stall and when l asked why she had not made any reference to this ‘big thing’, she started to backpedal out of the situation, and feigned confusion to my own question of “Would you like a bigger shovel to help you answer this question?”
Once more l find myself back in the household of growing up with not just my parents but also my Sister who is a skilled liar to boot and asking myself the time honoured question of “What is wrong with just a little black and white honesty?” I think l am too honest for my own family at times!! The end result of this is that l am somewhat unnerved by all of this ‘conspiracy’ and l have asked myself if l am making mountains out of molehills? No, sadly not, this is simply another episode of my dysfunctional family.