Dear Blog … 23.38 – 13/9/18


This is my third entry for this post tonight, the previous two were trashed, and were up for minutes and then extracted. I lost it tonight, l went from thinking the day had been okay…ish to hitting a volcanic explosion at around 5.30pm. For the next three hours l was in full volatile swing.

I lost it, not just a scale 10 lost, but probably somewhere near a scale 30, that was the extent of it. If l had had a proper working arm, shoulder and fist, l think l may have been in casuality this evening with probably a completely broken right hand caused by punching solid brick walls and shattering my hand.

The last time l hit a scale 30 temper and they do exist, in fact you could probably find quite a few of us on the spectrum that have at some time if not frequently had scale 30 explosions was around 10 years ago, prior to being diagnosed with Asperger’s.

These are the types of explosions that can cause mutism, black rages and eventual black outs as the mind simply can not calm down.

If l had been in another location this afternoon, l may have been arrested for GBH and that’s from a non violent person, things hit the fan tonight, more so than any previous night this week. Combined with the anger was a stress factor of maybe 20. If l was wearing a FitBit l could easily has passed the 10,000 steps required for an average day through the pacing l have done whilst being on the phone for two hours solid. I was a mess by the time Suze arrived home, and l had to be unstuck from the ceiling.

Both my Sister and myself today are l think, broken We have battled against huge odds and those odds actually won the battle. We were attacked by all three sides tonight and whilst we battled bravely, we had to concede to defeat for the time being through stress, fear, anger and absolute mental angst.

Whilst l am calmer now nearly 6 hours on, it is only from the time of 8pm, that l realised l could not do anymore physically or mentally because l was exhausted, the rage and stress combined had burned me out.

Tonight, both my Sister and l realised that we literally didn’t know what to do. There is a scene in Braveheart where upon Mel Gibson’s character is betrayed and you can see the actual break occur on the charcacter’s face that he is portraying.

This was the reaction of both my Sister and myself this evening, when we realised that we had been betrayed completely and utterly by our Father. The man that we have tried our uttermost to help, irrelevant to him being our Father, it was our combined empathy to help another human being who through arrogance betrayed us to the point that we have both walked away for this moment in time as our emotions are too raw to continue.

Today we with his approval secured his property with a key safe and changed his locks. He is an awkward man and due to his absolute fuckwittery, he has created his own problems with his behaviour. However we felt relieved that we had at least managed to help the carers provide their authorised care and hopefully to avoid all the confrontation they had been receiving from two neighbours specifically who are troublesome.

Job well done we thought.

Dad, has the wrong care package in and for the time being had been instructed to remain in bed until assessment and that the care plan would be sorted by Friday. However, despite knowing this, despite knowing the carers would be back in at 6pm, despite knowing he was safe in a secure house – he deliberately decided to get up because ‘he refused to stay in bed’. He fell and crumbled to the floor injured. He then called the confrontational friend, who then started his battles, ringing people and demanding to know the key code to enter the house, irrelevant to the fact that an ambulance had been called. But also irrelevant to the fact that he knew he was not allowed that entry.

It was a nightmarish situation, l will not go into all the details, however typically the ambulance took too long to get there and to prevent the neighbour kicking down the door l was forced to reveal the key code.

I tried to find out about my Father, and this man attacked me verbally on the phone to the point that l could no longer be diplomatic and l lost it and there was a shouting match where upon the man hung up on me when l said l would be seeing him soon.

Carers were called, and nothing could get to location quick enough. My Sister had only just got home after spending the day with my Father.

It quickly escalated into the most stressful day of the week so far. The ambulance got there 25 minutes after being called. The man and his wife were in the house, and they then challenged both the carers and the ambulance crew. My Father had cut his elbow once more and was NOT taken to hospital, but was bandaged up.

If that was not enough, then the family were notified by the neighbour and they then attacked by phone my Sister and myself saying how very dare we place our father into a position where upon he could die! That we were only doing this because of the Will. They paid no mind to the fact our Father had wanted these things in, nor listened to us. They demanded that as his family they were to be notified. We responded with we are his children and next of kin, we are TRYING to keep his welfare in mind.

The war has begun now, and my Sister and myself are now clueless as to how to fight this battle. I rang my Father before the neighbour forced the number from me and he told me to Fuck Off. I asked why he was out of bed, he answered because l wanted to it’s my house, Fuck Off. I told him he approved these locks after he called my Sister an extremely vile name and whilst he acknowledged that, he told me to Fuck Off and get out of his life.

This evening my Sister rang and told him, she had done all she could but she was stepping down, that he would kill her with all this stress. Tomorrow l will be ringing the police, the social services and the NHS authorities and demand that my Father be placed into a nursing home, that he is not of sound mind, that he is vulnerable and frail and is now suffering at the hands of abuse from himself, his family and his neighbours.

It has been a really bad few hours, that leaves a really horrible taste in your mouth.

Dear Blog ……

23 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 23.38 – 13/9/18

    1. Hi Ashley, it’s a mess, an absolute mess.

      I am kind of numb at present, l am doped up on tablets that are supposed to make me sleepy and l cannot settle, can’t sleep.

  1. I’m so sorry it’s come to this.
    One of my stress-breakers for the fosters was to get them to close their eyes and focus on the end of their nose – and if it’s really bad, sing (one song only) while focussing – and breath count; four in through the nose, four out through the mouth, all with the eyes closed and focussing on the nose.

    It isn’t your fault. Nor your sister’s fault. Don’t take on the burden of the person who chose this.

    1. Morning Cage, yes l am familiar with all of those, sadly at a 30 nothing works with me, l literally have to burn the rage out. I am better these days and admittedly was shocked at how volatile it all was. But in some ways not, l am stressed beyond my own coping mechanism. I have officially taken a stand down from this. I have made the necessary calls today and lodged formal complaints and said that if anything happens to my father’s health and welfare it is NOT down to my Sister or myself, but a broken system.

  2. Oh John-Boy… I’d like to say I’m surprised that it went this far but I’m not. Getting someone else to oversee his care is the only way. You and your sister have done all you could do. Neither of you should feel bad or guilty. Your father obviously needs 24 hour skilled care and as combative as he is, the only place he can receive that is in a skilled nursing facility.
    Sending virtual hugs💌💌💌💌

    1. Thanks Grand Ma, – l am pretty low this morning if honest and l have hurt my shoulder, not deliberately l haven’t punched anything or lashed out, but in all the trauma last night and the stress l have obviously done something and it may have simply been holding the phone for two hours with my right hand instead of my left, but l am in serious pain today and having to double up the tablets.

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