But not sorrow, no, not that!
I am behind again today, l had plans to do so much, l needed to chill out to try and relax, but once more that has been breached. I am also in a lot of pain, my neck and shoulder are really causing me trouble today. These damn tablets are not working, every morning l now have more pain than when l was on 10-12 tablets a day. I am on the verge of crying and screaming at the world – it’s that simple. Now the heat has been turned up, the pressure is on, we are being scapegoated as bullies in this whole debacle. My sister and l are being blamed for things by people we don’t know now. I am not a violent person, and yet l have no much deep seated anger coursing through my body it’s unreal.
We go from a large bomb drop to a nuclear explosion in the space of less than 12 hours.
I called my Father today to see how he is doing, but to now let him know, that l do know everything, and ask how he is doing to be met with the same rubbish, except that is NOT what happened. Instead l have some bloke answer the phone who l don’t know and demand to know who l am. He explains himself as John a friend of my Father’s for years, and then proceeds to tell me, that my Father is really ill, and what the bloody hell am l doing about it?
I try ‘calmly’ to tell him, would he just put my Father on the phone please and to not jump to a judgement when he clearly doesn’t know the whole picture. Still he goes on, until l demand that he puts my Father on the phone who is then basically dismissive of me. I tell him, we are coming up tomorrow, ok?
Whatever is the answer, l am dying!
I am tiring of this, really l am, l am struggling with so many emotions and not all of them are pleasant. This man who deliberately destroyed our family and then continued to destroy family relationships, who is literally sitting in his own mess, who has lied repeatedly for not just three months, but longer. He knew there was something wrong but refused to go to the Doctor’s last year, and so what may have been easier for him, has now become an aggressive colon rectal cancer that has spread at an excelled rate to his liver. He is a diabetic and now instead of accepting help when it was offered by everyone back in May, he refused, he declined, he maintained he could manage.
But of course he can’t, his stubborness, his lying has ousted him, it has left him exhausted and listless and drained him of the remaining energy he has and for what?
He wishes to die alone and fuck the family? That’s his wish!
Wow, how utterly heroic. Because he thinks he is a hero, he wishes to become a martyr of his own fate.
He doesn’t want his family near him, he wants everyone to think they have failed him, he wants to die in pain and alone … that’s sad. He is now snubbing his family, he is denying he has a daughter and he has broken and crushed her.
This fella attacked me this morning and had he been standing in front of me, pinched nerve and pain or not, l would have thumped him, and then sadly he would have felt the anger, the frustration of being lied to when all l have tried to do is help. This man turned around and said your Father doesn’t have a daughter, then he suddenly said oh yes he has, an Estate agent isn’t she? No, you twit, she is in palliative care, she like everyone else has been trying to get help into her Dad for months but he lies and denies and declines! You like everyone else is being lied to!
“Well l don’t want to get involved, my wife are neighbours we are trying to help our friend, you know … your Father?’
I lose it then, l tell him in a very steady tone, that l genuinely appreciate what he is doing for my Father, but don’t EVER speak to me like that again. I don’t know you, nor with that attitude do l care to! However, let me tell you something, you are already involved, with your attitude, you just made yourself involved with me on a very personal nature, you have attacked me, you have critcised me and you have judged me and then you excecuted me, so please don’t be there tomorrow, because we will have words. This is a very frustrating situation that l have no wish for it to become an all out war zone. My Father lies to people, he pits them against each other, he is lying to you, and because you DON’T know the two sides, you are a very poor judge of people.
He retreats at that and then we talk, but l do hope he is not present tomorrow, because l am already stressed and angry, but l don’t foget these things, these actions, l do remember and l will.
Another day of stress lays ahead of me, l have got to swallow everything when l see this man tomorrow, my Father, my so called loving Dad. I have got to be polite and kind and firm and responsible and ignore the fact of all the lies he has told everyone about us. I have got be an adult tomorrow, and move on.
Thankfully, the interim care package has started, so Dad has people in over the weekend, next week, the palliative care package starts .. is he pleased? No, he is still bitter.
My Father is an extremely bitter man who hates the world, his family, his friends and most of all his children. He is bitter because nearly twenty years ago, he made a decision to break a relationship he was in, when she forced him into an ultamatum “Your family or me?” He chose family, had no relationship, and now it turns out he regrets every single day of that decision that he made. I was surprised to hear it, because of the many things my Father purports himself to be, not once has he ever been a family man.
But he blames the world for that decision, he then proceeded to cause as much conflict and disruption with my Sister and myself and so we never talked for 18 years until literally recently, when the lies were ousted and we realised we had been controlled and manipulated once more.
Hate is such a burning emotion, it destroys people, it destroys family, it in the end swallows you up, and that is what has happened to my Father and now all we can do is try and eliminate any of the suffering he is experiencing whilst we know he does hate us, he despises us with every breath he takes.
That is why l want to cry out of frustration and anger, but not sorrow no not that for losing a Father or a ‘Dad’, but because he has only tried to continue to wreck peoples’ lives.
Tomorrow is going to be so very tough, so very, very tough. I don’t know how l am going to be there or even when l get back.