I think it is safe to say that Suze and myself are completely drained. I know Scrappy is, l know she is in discomfort and pain, l know she is being stubborn and awkward, but she’s our dog and we love her. As responsible and caring parents we are trying to do what is best for her, and yet because of the incidents with food late last week and early this week, she is now so terribly distrusting of her food.
After speaking to the vets this morning, they have now said that whilst it is best to have the medication on a stomach that has food in it, they have now said that with the Tramadol and the Paracetamol these can go down into the stomach without food although it is more ideal with it.
This is all so very frustrating.
In the last three days l have upped my own meds as l have seriously ripped, torn and pulled my own injury backwards and forwards trying to help Suze get Scrappy into and out of the car. This morning l awoke to serious pain from my neck down to my fingertips. Currently l don’t have a lot of freedom movement in my right hand. Yes l can type as the pressure is bearing down on the hand, and whilst it hurts, when l try and hold the pill giver, l have to be mindful of Scrappy’s discomfort as well as any struggle she awards in the process. In essence the pill giver is a two person job, and l am but one person, with no neighbours nearby that are below the age of 70 and without restriction movements of their own due to the ageing process we all eventually go through.
I will try and medicate myself up above the limit to hopefully buffer the pain levels and go for the pill giver.
Hopefully l will hear from my Father’s doctor today at some point and see what the score is from there. I haven’t heard from my Father since l spoke to him on Monday and he hasn’t bothered to answer my email, but equally l haven’t heard from my Sister either. Once again it is down to me to make the approach, it is always me. That irks me beyond measure at times. So many in my family say because l am on the spectrum that l don’t care, that l don’t have empathy and that just annoys me.
I do care, l try and care, yes admittedly l put ‘my’ family forwards first and that is because Suze and Scrappy are my immediate family, my Sister and my Father are my blood family – how much care am l supposed to give the world? I care about people on here, that doesn’t make me unsympathetic, just because l don’t have the label of ’empath’ tattooed to my forehead doesn’t mean l don’t care what happens to people, because l do. I don’t like to think of anyone in pain, but l am not a wizard with an almighty wand with the ability to liberally sprinkle get well pixie dust everywhere to make things ‘alright’, if l could l would.
We just have to take care of those close to us first, but equally we mustn’t forget to look after our own health to boot. I am drained, physically, mentally, emotionally and personally and l can’t stretch myself too far over my own boundaries or l will break. i can only do the best l can. That’s all we can hope to achieve, the best we can.
But not to hear from my Sister also is annoying, she doesn’t even communicate with me unless in answer to things l have said to her. I am fast in the belief that she too like my Father, like myself is on the spectrum somewhere – yeah l know more people are on the spectrum than many would like to admit and it’s all down to %’s, l know l believe that anyway. But it would just be nice knowing, that l am not the only one trying to do something for a man who only wants my Sister to care!
I am guilty of not ringing my Father yesterday, but he isn’t dead, he can pick up a phone as well and say Hi to open up communication, but he doesn’t. Well l am not either, my plate is full and it will be for most of this week. So no doubt he will slate me off once more to whoever will listen or is listening and yet muggins here is the one hoping to hear from the Doctor today to see what care can be offered to the old boy – no one else. Not his neighbours, not his family and not my Sister. No, this is not hero complex from me, l don’t actually want to do it. I am tiring of all the lies from him, of hearing all the lies of his from others.
I have already got one patient here not helping us to help her and she is my family! Let alone the old man who is crying wolf at every opportunity but can still type out three pages a day for this damn book, that no one will read. Yes l know it is probably cathartic to him, l get that, l have been there, l am there. But when so much help is being offered and people are bending over backwards to assist why go on a crusade? My Father l think wants to die, l am pretty Sure Scrappy doesn’t, but she can’t talk where as my Father can and refuses to.
Why are there always so many drains?