Liam Ratcatcher! 1983
“What ON earth are you wearing Liam?” I asked in astonishment.
Liam after spending nearly an hour in the bathroom came out wearing what l can only describe as a skin tight flesh coloured cat suit or leotard, pink tutu and on his shins brightly coloured fluffy yoga socks and plimsoles! Add to that image he had suddenly devloped breasts and long golden hair?
“I am a yoga teacher!” he answered tartly.
“But why the tutu?” I asked still trying to recover from the transformation, “And why the breasts?”
“Because l am a female teacher and they have boobies, and l am versatile which is why l am wearing the tutu!” He answered with a huge broad grin! “I have also got your outfit sorted out and you will not have to change from what you are wearing, which by the way, whilst you look smart, you are kind of boring. But l guess that is what comes from a young manager in catering who has no real life outside of work. However l will not tell you what it is till we get to the hotel.”
Liam and l had had the discussion concerning the party, that whilst l didn’t mind going l had nothing fancy nor dressy to wear and so l had opted for a nice pair of dark blue chinos and a casual yellow shirt, completed with my Speedy Ducks.
“Snaggles, you need to loosen up a bit and you have done remarkably well this week, but wouldn’t it be nice if you let your hair down a bit, how are we going to get you shagged if you are always so ‘prim?”
“Have you thought that maybe l don’t need to be shagged?”
“Oh come on! 20 and still a virgin, are we still in Victoriana London or something? I don’t think so, l lost mine at 15! Whilst that may have been too young, it was still better than you!”
“With a girl?”
“Yes with a girl! As it happens, l liked both until perhaps 18 months ago, when l decided against swinging that way as well, and opted for just one way. However, my motto is never say never! So whilst l like hunky men, it doesn’t mean that if some absolutely stunning creature walks my way and winks l am NOT going to say ‘Oh no, l can’t! Sex is sex and l happen to like sex however it comes, excuse the pun!”
“Well l am not hyper focused on it.”
“Oh yeah, yeah heard that line before, sex my friend is like pandora’s box, once it’s opened, you might think you want to close it, but you may never close it. Now l understand Dana and Dolly being too old, but there is nothing wrong with Molly or Sally, and they both like you! But you, well everytime they make a pass at you you miss all the clues?? Are you blind? They both like you and play your cards right and hey presto ‘ménage à trois’ could be yours!”
“Manage what?” I asked somewhat baffled what Liam was on about.
“A threesome, you know them and you, oh la la!” He answered laughing.
“Right, l see, mm, well l think you’ll find that they are just being friendly, and they have just split up from relationships, wouldn’t seem right, you know?”
“No l don’t know actually, anyway, whatever, l am ready, you are ready, let’s go and see what the evening brings!”
With that we both walked out of the door and headed off downstairs to meet up with the girls.
Downstairs l was met with an interesting combination of’fancy dress’ outfits, the two sisters were each carrying a book and an apple, upon enquiring what they were going as they answered with ‘book worms?’ Liam, found it highly amusing, whilst Sally and Molly had slapdashed themselves up as hookers supposedly. I just thought they both looked rather nice, and it looked no different to the usual attire l was used to seeing girls dress up in for a night out on the town, so l had to ask where was the difference? To be met with, “We simply applied more makeup than usual!”
However all four were very impressed with Liam’s outfit, and not so impressed with mine, apart from echoes of what Liam himself had said of looking smart but a bit boring, very geek like.
“Well l am a bit of a geek actually, why l don’t just go as a geek then?”
“Well there’s no difference to normal then Rory is there?” Molly answered.
“Panic not ladies, l have Rory’s outfit here with me now!” Liam said and almost like magic produced a condom. “Come with me Master Matier over to my office here.” With that comment he led me by my arm to the lobby desk and asked one of the staff for some tape. Then he opened the packet, took out a bright pink condom, and armed with the sellotape proceeded to stick the condom to my nose!
“What are you doing??” I asked horrified with my nose now taped down and sounding quite nasaly.
“Fuck knows!” He answered laughing.
“What? Fuck nose? I asked totally bewildered.
“Yeah, fuck knows as in no one knows what you have gone as, so with a condom on your nose, it’s fuck knows!” He was practically on his knees with this humour but so too were the girls all laughing!
“You are joking right?” I asked attemting to pull the silly thing off.
“Oh no Rory, keep it on, it is very witty and does look very funny!” Insisted Dolly.
And so, l tagged along with the other five to go to a fancy dress party dressed up as ‘Fuck Nose!”
Well l have to be honest and say that the fancy dress night wasn’t a let down in so far as it being a proper party, loud music, karaoke, dancing, lots of people in an assortment of colourful costumes, flashing lights, the smell of ganja in the air, filled with smoke. At that time in my life l was actually a pipe smoker [yeah l know like WTF a pipe?]
Even then, once more not really knowing about the spectrum l did find it all a bit too much noise wise, l liked music and l loved it loud, but in the hotel there must’ve been close to 300 people, and l was kind of freaking at the sheer volume of party goers. However as it turned out Liam, Sally and Molly were quite large drinkers so they weren’t that long after arrival that they held the typical ‘holding the bar up’ pose, whilst Dana, Dolly and myself were not. Didn’t mind a bit of this and a slug of that.
Liam l learned loved cocktails, the more colourful the better, the more prettier and covered in paraphernalia it was the more riskier he became with the next one. Unbrellas, mint leaves, baubles, cherries, candied rims, the works. How he didn’t lose an eye is beyond me, never mind just a toothpick up in his nose! The three of them were going to leave the party as drunk as donkeys! I was in admiration of his drinking ability, l really was, he could down six of his funny cocktails in the space of time it took me to down a single one.
Plus he was in his element, he was dancing, singing, groping and being groped back by everyone and anyone, he didn’t seem to mind, but so too were Molly and Sally! I didn’t have that kind of confidence. Of course in 1983, l never realised that in a mere four years time, l would change into a completely different person, however l wasn’t that person yet. I wasn’t a prude at twenty, but l was very shy despite having some confidence with people, albeit smaller groups. I wasn’t an overly active nightclub person, l was more used to working behind the scenes than intermingling with the night life throng.
Dana and Dolly actually ended up having a couple of cocktails each and then actually managed to find somewhere to sit down with their books and apples and promptly read and ate them!
Liam and the girls had disappeared but l soon spotted them all up on the stage dancing like there was no tomorrow. Liam was pole dancing, and wasn’t that bad admittedly, whilst being clapped on by the crowds!
The two sisters came and told me at around half ten, that they were going to go and pack ready for departure tomorrow when we were due to start the actual Dracula tour part of the holiday and wanted to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. Once they had gone, l was sat there twiddling my thumbs thinking what the hell do l do?
It was then, that this chap came and sat down next to me smiling in a mischevious kind of way? I could tell he was a little worse for wear as he swaggered and swayed when he sat down on the couch beside me.
“Hello there matey, l saw you sitting here all by lonesome and l thought, mm that young man has something l would like.” He slurred.
I looked at this chap and gulped, and thought ‘oh great really??’
“Listen, um, well l ‘m not really, l mean thanks and all, but l am not …”
The chap looked me and laughed hard! Suddenly leaning really close to my face and then with his right hand he got closer to my face and ‘riiiippp’ he tore off the condom on my nose!! “I can see, you will not be needing this tonight, but l have a use for it right now!” His elbow nudged me hard in the ribs, and tossing his head over to his left he pointed out none other than Molly!!!
“You can have it back once l am done if you want?” He roared and off he sauntered, taking Molly by the waist and they disappeared into the crowd.
“Great, now my costume has been swiped!” I said thoroughly disgruntled. “I have had enough,l am going back to the hotel to pack!” I said to no one in particular and quickly exited the hotel, walked across the street, and somewhere in the distance l heard Liams’ crazy laugh with an added “OOOh l say, l do like my men big!! Is that a banana or what …?” Followed by a squealing cackle!
I don’t know what time it was when Liam got back that night or even early the next morning, however l heard him come in, swagger and bump into all the furniture, l heard the soft rustling of clothing being discarded in a heavy handed manner and then an enormous crash on the bed!
“Nighty, nighty night Snaggle Waggles!” He hoarsley whispered.
He was snoring soundly before l even had the chance to say “Night Boobles!”
Oh well tomorrow’s another day!
The Dracula Tour 1983
Part 8 soon – The Tour Starts!