Our Father, who isn’t in heaven … face the facts!!
Who decided to make me the adult??
What a week it’s been so far!
Good news … diagnosed with pinched nerve – brilliant, now we know.
Good news … talking to Sister after an 18 year absence – brilliant, result.
Bad news … our Father who isn’t in heaven – is still continuing to lie about his trespasses – not good!
Last night … the phone rings “Rory, it’s Dad, l have had an accident, you need to get here now!!” he sounds scared.
“What as in now, what have you done?”
“I have hurt my back!”
“Have you called for an ambulance, rung for a doctor, what exactly have you done?”
“Just get here it’s urgent!”
“Dad, you know l am NOT a driver, l have an injury of my own what help can l offer you Suze is not home yet, l will have to talk to her, it’s not that eas…”
He cuts me off and says “Just get here!”
I live in Kent and he lives in Surrey, maxiumum drive window 2 hours minimum.
Ten minutes later l call him back and ask him what has happened?
“I was in bed, the door bell rang, l got up, walked down the corridor, felt a vomitting fit coming on, collapsed, feel through the bathroom door, hurt my back as l fell and threw up in the bath! I have called the doctor and he should be here before 9pm this evening.”
“Fine call me once he has gone, okay? Suze and l are on standby if we have to travel up to see you, but Scrappy will be with us.”
“Oh great that bloody dog, l will call you.”
I messaged my Sister who is closer to Dad distance wise, telling her that Dad had tried calling her, she answers with, no he hasn’t l have no missed calls from him at all? So l explain the situation to her, and we discuss that despite what he thinks, he needs care, she says she will call him, which she does so at 9pm. She discusses his need for a call line to be installed into his house, and she is in the position to get the ball rolling and have it all set up – he loses his temper with her and basically tells her to fuck off! Therefore declining any help.
The phone rings at 9.30pm .. “The doctor didn’t come, a nurse rang me, he will be with me before 9am tomorrow morning. I am feeling better now, there is no need for you drive up tonight, but you may have to get here tomorrow!”
He makes no mention to my Sister calling him, even know l know she has.
I rang my Father this morning [Saturday] at 9.30 and find that he is engaged and l am having to wait for the call to go through and when it finally does, l ask him how he is and has the doctor been to see him? He answers with yes, he slept fine, the doctor has been and said that he had suffered a spasm, that’s it. The call lasted about a 90 seconds, and still he makes no reference to my Sister calling him last night. Nor about who was just on the phone.
Just after l hang up, l answer the phone and it’s my cousin! I haven’t got the energy to be negative, and just think sod it, just take the call. She says she has just been on the phone to my Dad [now l know why the phone was engaged] and asks how he is because he sounds ‘swaggery?’
“Did he not tell you about the accident, he had last night”
She paused and answered “What accident??”
It then all really starts to click into place, Dad is lying to everyone about how he is as l suspected. I explain the situation to her and she is genuinely mortified and concerned. She says she rings him every couple of weeks, he tells her my Sister never rings him, that he hasn’t seen her in months. He says l call him every day, but his daughter is a huge disappointment to him! She explains to me that her Mother doesn’t understand what is going on, so l tell her that my Father is l believe lying to everyone about his condition and where he is in the stages and that it doesn’t matter who is trying to help he shuts them down or swears at them.
This is the cousin that up until a couple of months ago l hadn’t spoken to in 30 years. Less than an hour later, l speak to my Aunt – once more another gap of almost 35 years l last spoke to her, and she says she never knew half the stuff l am telling her, and they want to help but he[Father] keeps declining and being rude to everyone.
I explain that my Sister offered to go to chemo with him, and he declined, l tell her that the Cancer care staff have offered help and he declines, l tell her that my Sister and l are trying to help, but he is either angry with us, or slams the phone on us or is just rude.
My Father just wants to die! Simple as … but l honestly don’t actually know just how ill he is because he will not stop and tell the truth!
The end result is that Dad whether he likes it not or needs help and my Sister, myself and his family are trying to help him, but all he is doing is declining it all and saying he is dying – face the facts! But above everything is lying to everyone.
In less than two weeks my Sister and l are now going to have to go and visit the man who has been driving a wedge between our friendship and relationship as siblings, despite saying he wants us to be friends for 18 years, to try and get him to see reason, accept care and as his ‘next of kin’ [something we only learned this week] try and make him understand that we need the names of the hospitals and the dcotors. That we now need to be the adults in this equation and sit down with him and discuss his Will and all his arrangements because it turns out that he has only done half a job, and wanted us to take care of everything when he was dead!
The man is bitter, the man is angry, the man is lonely, the man is 80, the man is scared and the man is ill, so irrelevant to how we feel about the lying he is still our Father and we have got an obligation to try and help him with care, because it is now needed!
My Sister doesn’t want to talk to the family, so l have to now handle the conversations. She is bitterly angry with my Father as he has been slating her all week to his family … this is going to be a nightmare, l feel. I have been on the phone just getting his family in the loop for roughly five hours today!
Who decided to make me the adult??