Dear Blog … 7.54 – 09/8/18

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The Truth maybe out there, but it will die …

I have had an unusual day so far, l have been trying to absorb a lot of information and a lot of it quite overwhelming. I have been producing posts as a way of thinking, whilst communicating via my Facebook with my Sister. She is in the industry of palliative care, and of course that is currently relative to my Father and his current plight.

I want to write about how l feel and this will arrive in the form of a post in the next few days or not or later. Writing is the way l deal with emotions, and set my own rights or express my humour and yet l have almost been in a surreal world in the last 24 hours.

Starting to talk to my Sister again is a really big deal for me …

Today there was a different slant on the conversation following the conversation l had with my Father yesterday, and l was asked how l feel about that by her? The slant is that in addition to lying to us for years for whatever reason he thought, although we know it was through a bitterness of the decision he made, he has been lying to us all, whether that includes his own family or not, l know not, but from l can piece together he has been lying to everyone about his health and how far gone he really is.

The truth is that he probably is going to be dead within a relatively shorter period of time than originally thought because of the lying. It’s a lot to take on board. That this man who could have made his life so much better by enjoying his children instead of pitting them against each other for so long, may not be here by the end of this year.

How do l feel about that? How is this news affecting you Rory, my Sister asked of me.

I don’t know was all l could answer. I found out today that as disappointed as he was with me as his Son, he was equally disappointed in my Sister as his Daughter, we both were huge disappointments to him. We grew up and started to live our lives, but we were no longer being controlled by him because we had grown up, so he controlled how we would be towards each other.

How do l feel about my Father dying?

I don’t know.

So many questions l have that will probably never ever be answered, because the truth of why will die with him. I do wonder at this autobiography of his with his vague statement of ‘ l have something to say that l want everyone to see’, what is that supposed to mean? Will he tell all, or will he lie once more?

How do l feel about my father dying?

I don’t know, but l am now talking to my Sister again after 18 years, and l find that a bigger deal than his plight. The truth unfolded and unfolding has marred my emotions for him again.

How do l feel about my Father dying?

When l was younger, l just wanted my Dad to be a Dad but he wasn’t, and now – what? He wants his Son to be a Son?  I don’t know how to feel, ask me another time maybe, because currently l don’t how l am supposed to feel.

Dear Blog ……

8 thoughts on “Dear Blog … 7.54 – 09/8/18

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  1. Ot is comforting to know you are reestablishing a relationship with your sister. It’s strange what unites us all, in our lives, and here on the blog. Parents are odd creatures aren’t they? I finally told my own dad how he hurt another sister and he was dying, ended up being a couple
    of days later that he died. Do I feel guilty? Sometimes. I felt more allegiance to my sisters, since most of us endured his idea of parenting, so maybe it balances out. If you want to talk, you can always reach me at my email: cjscan_1999@yahoo.com.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Rugby.

      It’s been a strange week, and l am overwhelmed by everything happening all at once. I know the same is being experienced by my Sister. I think the biggest problem is that in mnay ways we know longer what is true and what isn’t.

      We don’t know if he is lying still, and if he has gotten so used to lying that he doesn’t know what the truth is anymore. We now no longer know what’s what.

      He is ‘still’ our Father, that’s a fact, but he is making it all very hard. My Sister told him today that we are now talking and his response to her was one of anger, and when l spoke to him some time later he was just caustically sarcastic to me, very curt and short and our call lasted all of 45 seconds before he was gone.

      He has always been a hard man to love, and now it’s just become much harder.

      Like

  2. I get it. My mother was very toxic. She pitted all of us against each other all our lives and she would tell me to my face she hated me. I desperately wanted her approval and that was very unhealthy. It took an incident when my youngest was born for me to ‘grow a pair’. She said he should be a cot death and it wouldn’t bother her at all if the other two went under a bus. I knew in that instance – it was absolute clarity and I wasn’t going to let her poison my kids lives the way she did mine. I said very calmly “Have a nice life, I won’t be in it”
    I never spoke to ‘her’ again. She developed Alzheimer’s and that was that. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I don’t regret keeping her nastiness away from my kids but I bitterly regret them not having a grandma. Do I regret my decision? Again yes and no. I don’t regret losing the nastiness and the never ending trying to please but I miss the mum I wanted and never had. I was so jealous of other people’s mums – but it made me the mum I am and I have great relationships with my kids. I feel sorry for my mum. She missed out on a lot of love and happiness by being so hateful and domineering.
    It’s very difficult. There’s are NO black and white answers. It’s all just misty shades of grey. If I can give you one bit of advice – Take what you need and leave the rest. Leave the excess baggage and only take with you stuff that will make you happy for the rest of your life. You can’t change your past but you don’t have to be it’s victim ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This Britchy … “If I can give you one bit of advice – Take what you need and leave the rest. Leave the excess baggage and only take with you stuff that will make you happy for the rest of your life. You can’t change your past but you don’t have to be it’s victim.”

      That is exactly how l feel, right now, today, yesterday, tomorrow, last week … that bit of advice is where l am right now, right this minute, typing my response to you.

      That man made life hell for his family, he continued to endeavour to retain control through finance and to buy votes. My Sister bought into that and l know we are talking after such a large amount of years, but if there is one thing that life, experience, wisdom and even my Asperger’s has taught me is that not everything is EVER black and white.

      How do l feel about him dying? Angry and bitter, not just at the situation, but the way it has all got so out of control because of the way he resented everyone. It’s deep, but l am currently looking at this in a very logical and some would say selfish manner – when he is gone, l will miss the good parts to him, the so very few good parts of a man who could have been so much better if he did not allow the bitterness to swallow him, but l will not miss the 90% of him that was vile.

      I have tried to be my own man, l have tried to be dutiful, l have tried to be everything that was expected of me, well that didn’t work, so the step to undertake was to be me, and l was happoier for it.

      When he has gone, l will have release.

      Thanks Britchy x

      Liked by 1 person

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