Times’ Forgotten Child

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“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Times’ Forgotten Child

I live my life, my way these days,
Filled not with clutter, romance or a towns bustle,
Nor all the stress associated with the city ways,
Just quiet, peaceful and free of society hustle,
Imagine do l at times, that both family and friends,
May think my living style might indeed be strange,
Considering that l have backed away from the pretence,
Of what many consider the happiness range,

And yet, sometimes l too would have to concede,
That perhaps, maybe l have walked too far,
Stepping away from life’s over enthusiastic stampede,
And hiding myself away like a festering scar,
Yet, how far does one have to travel,
Before they can find peace and inner contentment,
A life of tranquillity, where ones’ shadows can unravel,
So that they can understand unforgotten resentments?

The journey from boy to man, is not an easy path,
And is quite often filled with obstacle,
Yet it must be walked from start to last,
If one is to achieve questions considered unsolvable,
And l do have questions, oh indeed so many,
That arose, and have further arisen from times of old,
From a child of yesteryear to a man of nearly fifty,
But still a boy, who fears being too bold,

My childhood, was not always the same as others,
Who can recall with a sweetened memory,
Days of pleasure, and fun with sisters or brothers,
And cherished times in their parents company,
I had good times of this l cannot deny,
Yet there were many days and years from afore,
That as l grew older l was only pleased to bade goodbye,
For some of my darker memories l do so deplore,

The innocence that should have been my foundations,
Were constantly shattered and false hopes were my life,
For l grew up in the home of a bully and his violations,
And the search for inner peace back then was riddled with strife,
This man, whom l knew and believed to be my father,
Was armed with the most aggressive streak l have ever seen,
And who hesitated not to brutalise us all, especially our mother,
In his imagined quest for being the Supreme Being!

A great sadness rolls over me as l sit here and cast my mind,
Back to the days of my saddest and darkest horizons,
Thinking of my confusions from the one who was so unkind,
And thought not twice of shattering new dawns,
The damages that were inflicted all those years ago,
Have always haunted each breath that l take,
And never stopped me from thinking ‘should l know’
How we managed to cause so many mistakes?

But the truth is much simpler, and should not be hidden,
That it was not us that caused him to be the man he was,
We did nothing but love, try to understand and be forgiving,
And try to make it easier for him to love us, because,
He was our father, a husband and supposed to be our friend,
And friends are to stick together, no matter what,
When troubles happen, we are to defend,
Each other no matter the consequence nor end,

Yet, nothing could be done to appease his inner anger,
And we all became victims of his raged torment,
Be this verbally or from the hard fist of the whacker,
To intimidation or worse humiliating embarrassments!
We put up with his adulterous ways, and forget not either,
His drinking, gambling, and oft sexist remarks,
And remembering his preaching down like the grim reaper,
Like we were naughty schoolchildren within the class!

‘Oh and how all you cared for was your damned career’
And how highly motivated and ambitious you truly were,
You could see the way to the top, but with us you were unclear,
And understanding the needs of your family was an unwanted blur,
When were you here at home when we needed you the most?
Troubles afoot, dangers present and misery abound,
You were gallivanting about being the ideal host,
Caring not that with us you shared no common ground,

Oh Father how l remember the days when it was my turn,
When l was too stupid, was gay or even on drugs,
That it mattered not the truth you just wanted to burn,
With hardly any pride awarded me, and so desperate for a hug,
You took that inner demon out to play upon my soul,
So that for many years afterwards l would always wonder if,
I was really a good person, and if my life would ever be whole,
Or maybe, l was simply worthless!

How many schools would l ever have to attend?
Or homes would we live in,
When our lives would start to amend,
And we could relax and let our lives again begin?
For we constantly moved from A to B to C,
So that you could always be King,
And so that we could never be truly free,
For all we were to you was a meaningless possession!

However now, l can honestly say
That despite not having much to my name,
When l awaken each morning, it’s new day,
And no longer do l open my eyes to another war game,
But sadly those days from afore are no longer hidden,
And my memory is coming back, the floodgates have opened,
To which end l must write down the unforgotten’ I have forgiven,
Memories from when l was a child and you were supposed to be Dad

Written during the years of great reflection 2009 – 2012

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Guy or Bloke, Your Choice

19 thoughts on “Times’ Forgotten Child

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    1. Morning Joseph l hope you are well.

      This was written a few years ago now, and l lived a very quiet existence and was able to reflect quite heavily on my life from before up until 2012 when life changed again for me. I found the years in almost 100% solitude comforting and in many ways stabilising. I think we could all do with a sabbatical whether voluntary or forced at some point and this was mine.

      I hammered out a lot of issues in those years and emptied my head, only all these years on since then, for it to fill back up again.

      Thank you for commenting here today 🙂

      Liked by 4 people

  1. I know there are people who love the city and they would probably not understand why I hate the city so much. Is it so wrong to want a quiet and tranquil lifestyle free from the city bustle? Others may find it strange but I can understand why you chose the alternative living style. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🙂 I think l would struggle now Dream if l had to go back into the hustle bustle after what now amounts to in total almost 22 years out of it.

      was thinking about the last time l used to wear a wrist watch as a small example and that alone was 1993 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. A very powerful expression. I am glad however that it gave you some peace to write it. If only parenting was a skill that could be taught and LEARNED then our lives would all be better. To me love is the most important thing, what we all wish for and need.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Surviving childhood and forgiving our parents… It’s hard. The sense of peace that comes after saying “NO! I will not allow this to be part of my today, or my tomorrow” is awesome. It’s insidious though. It tries to creep back in.

    Fantastic poem! I’m glad you have your writing to help cleanse the wounds.

    Liked by 1 person

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