The First Time Tickle 1982
Growing up was hard in my house, l know you have read this before, but it was, mental stress, manipulations, violence, quirky behaviours and the list went on and on, it was difficult and awkward at best of times. But there were other things that as kids my Sister and l had to contend with and that was to a certain degree ‘taboo subjects’ we were NOT allowed to discuss.
Ironically despite my parents ‘best intentions’ of explaining to me the truths behind the birds and the bees, once that ‘talk’ was completed as far as they were concerned their duty was done. What l didn’t learn from their discussions, or from school education l was going to have to get a grasp of from other locations.
I didn’t have a naughty magazine lying under the mattress or hidden inside some box, although apparently according to my Mother my Father had a stack of them, but l know he was a copper in his younger years, but if they were hidden then he was an ace detective because l never found them and l did, yes l did look. To see what all the fuss was about!
At school my mates were continually harping on about sex as to whether they were getting it or not is quite beyond me, certainly my inner circle mates weren’t and from what l could gather weren’t that bothered. Yet l did know that of the lads who l looked at in complete fascination, they most assuredly were getting it and if not IT, they were getting something!
Two lads l always think of when l think of lads getting it, were two very good looking lads that the girls used to literally ‘swoon over’. Yes, l said SWOON, odd word isn’t it? The girls ‘swooned and were swooning’ over these two lads! The guys in question could just walk into a room gracefully, and within milliseconds were surrounded by girls! Not just one or two, but practically most of the class. These guys oozed sex appaeal that fellows like myself could only think “Wow!! How do they do that?”
But they didn’t stutter, or fall over their own feet, or walk into walls, or go the deepest shade of red when they even looked at a girl, oh no, that was just for the likes of myself and my nerds. But, however l will give the two dudes a thumbs up, where they could they would always try and help me overcome my fears with girls.
“Rory you are a natural flirt, and you can make girls laugh, you just have to believe in yourself more.” They would gently say in my weekly advice session. They were good like that. But whilst l was at school, l was just a nightmare. Sure, sure l had that time at 15 where l asked the girl out at the end of the street. But that was really it as far as ‘hands on anything went’.
The thing was l was actually oblivious to the intentions of girls, l was so desperate to have a girlfriend that most of the time l never saw those who were actually interested in me because l was always looking somewhere else. I used to think that a girl would have to strip off completely naked in front of me and do some kind of jig to get my attention to display she was interested and the two dudes said that many a time l had had girls showing very clear signs of interest in me BUT l was totally clueless!
I couldn’t speak to my Father for advice, and l couldn’t ask my Mother for advice as she was all for the phrase of ‘It will happen when it happens and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t!” Which really didn’t help me answer the riddle of ‘What do girls like in a fellow?’ There was NO WAY l was going to ask my Sister, that was simply NOT happening – l would NEVER hear the end of it. Older Brother asking younger Sister of five years juinor what it was girls liked?
So l left school at 17 without the slightest hint of girl savvy. I went through college and l learned a lot more from my ‘girlfriends’. I learned the hard way that you don’t go out with your best girl friend, because that is NEVER going to work and that is why you are friends only. My girl friends did teach me however how to act with girls and to utilise my humour more, as girls loved to laugh. In fact apparently that was more appealing than simply being good looking. They liked confidence, they liked to think that the fellow had an understanding of the world and of Them. They liked to be romanced but not worshipped and they loved a bit of mystery.
“Crikey!” I used to think, “These girls don’t want a lot do they?”
So l did learn a lot, however even through college of two years still l hadn’t actually secured a girlfriend and then l learned that l was considered too much like a Brother figure to them, and combined with ‘Oh no, not Rory he is too cute!!”
I came to learn that being CUTE was also a big no no, so l was told to become a bit more rugged, the quirkiness was not seen as a problem, but my lack of dress sense was, and the list went on and on!
Despite everyone’s best intentions – nothing ever worked. I was either apparently looking too desperate or because l could make the girls laugh, l failed because l had no closure techniques? So l could warm them up for someone else to come along and sweep them off their feet for them to then swoon over them instead!
FFS l remember thinking, why is this so much hard work? No one ever told me that it was this hard. Sex education is fine if eventually you are getting IT or something, but bloody useless if nothing is happening! How is anyone supposed to learn anything if they never get anything? Everyone else at college was getting it and all l was getting was an education how to become a chef?
The biggest problem was that l did have the gift of the gab, l could talk to the girls and slowly my confidence was building up. I could make the girls laugh, l could be witty and suave and yes l was somewhat good looking so that helped l should imagine .. but still nothing ever happened, it didn’t matter what books l read, or what magazines l pored over on technique, nor did it matter that l listened to countless love songs or watched soppy movies … so l decided to stop bothering ……….
………… and then one night at work, when there was a show at the civic hall on, one of the actresses came up to me and started chatting me up! I didn’t even know l was being chatted up, just to show how absolutely clueless l really was! She thought l was being coy, and l just thought she was being overly friendly. She asked me if l might like to go out for a meal on her night off which was the following day.
“Are you asking me out?” I asked her completely and utterly baffled?
“Yes, is that alright or would you like to ask me?” She answered.
“Erm, err yeah, would you like to go out on a date then?”
What follows is the poem l wrote about the whole event leading up to the date and after it. Oh but of course atypical to my luck it was set with disasters! I realised that l had a lot more to learn about women and myself, but l was lucky l had found myself an excellent mentor! My journey had only just begun … but at least now it had!
Despite my age of 19, l didn’t actually lose my virginity till l was 21.
The First Time Tickle!
Nowadays, sex is no longer the mystery,
… It used to be,
As a young man, way back then,
Counting the days down as to when,
I might sample for myself some sexual action,
Found in a hot dates embrace of passion!
These days, not one to blow my own trumpet,
But l have my uses in bed, somewhat!
Or so it’s been whispered to me by others,
As they cursed me to pull up the covers!
To stop acting the damming fool,
And for the love of God, to put away my tool!
Back then, it was a completely different story,
Proud l was, just looking at my morning glory!
Sex, was the subject l knew of, but yet not tasted,
Far as l was concerned, just a lot of tissues being wasted!
As to how it was actually going to come about?
Was anyone’s’ guess, l used to pout!
Except that very fine day that l met a Goddess,
Stood in awe did l at that shimmering dress,
Highlighting every curve one expects,
From a stunning creature from the opposite sex!
Practically there and then did l explode!
Without even the hint of being blown,
Back then, l was quite the charming devil,
Relatively good looking lad, totally on the level,
Albeit terribly honest and awkwardly shy,
Making me not the normally average guy!
Being in sales, l was gifted with the gab,
Could talk the Arabs out of their oil, it was fab!
But was relatively reticent with the ladies,
Oh they loved me, some said they saw me as Hades?
Which left me oft confused it has to be said,
Seeing as he was connected with the dead,
It was suggested that it was the twinkle in my eyes,
Apparently filling the hearts of some with surprise!
But this girl, just oozed sexuality,
Mind blowing it was, and affected my reality
Had to ask her out there and then,
Sure she replied, where and when?
And so it was set, a date this Friday night,
Tomorrow, l might actually sample sensual delights!
My parents were away abroad on holiday,
So we could come back here to play,
I made sure that everything was set and ready,
My bedroom, was hoovered and polished and made steady,
For an evening of entertainment as in seen in the movies,
I was going to be master of the jiggling boogie!
Should have known l was set for disaster,
Aftershave after a hot shower on my bits is a blaster!
Should not be done by anyone,
Guarantee now to the readers – NO FUN!
Had to soak them in the sink filled with water so cold,
I was lucky the effects of the alcohol did not scold!
Anyway, moving along, we had the most incredible date,
Dinner followed by dancing in a club, was bloody great,
Did not live far from town, so we decided to walk,
Back to my place, and along the way talk,
Have to be honest and say , l was nervous,
More so at the remarkable organ service!
Which l had never experienced before in my entire life!
And had me squealing against a fence, like l was in strife!
Which brought out a man and his bloody mutt,
From the house behind my bare assed butt,
Oh he did yell, ever so loud at we two,
And we ran off into the darkness and shouted back adieu,
Finally back at the house, and we had some wine,
Thought it best, to calm her nerves … and mine!
You see, truth be known, unbeknownst to her,
This was my first time … ever!
Foreplay was not a problem, well kissing,
Lived a sheltered life you see, was missing,
Some very essential information on the act itself,
She was wise l could tell, and not been on the shelf,
Upstairs and we undressed, and oh my grief!!!
She was incredible, fantastically shaped underneath!
Ever so gentle and caring l have to say was she,
Just as well really, frozen solid was myself and thankfully willy!
And in bed for the first few moments,
Time was of no consequence!
Breasts for the first time are bizarrely unreal,
So lovely to grope, squeeze and to feel,
Skin against skin, with its radiating heat,
Tiny shivers from the top of the head down to the feet!,
Feeling the fullness of both sexes exploring,
And the hunger from two people when in full swing!
Everything was just fine until … the tickle!
Hair against sensitivity, scream from me and l was in a pickle!
Suddenly all were aware that l had not been here before,
Irrelevant what thoughts were as l ran for the door!
To the bathroom, for the coldest of showers!
Returning, robed to find her still in bed, a smiling flower!
For the rest of that night we just lay in a very cosy cuddle,
Understanding my Goddess turned out to be, and cured my muddle!
For a good two years afterwards, we were together,
And each night was filled with sexual adventure,
Never looked back have l, since way back then,
When l was a simple lad, and not yet a man!!
© Rory Matier 2012